1980s video game level bosses were some of the toughest guys around back in the day. They were not eliminated with a simple toss of a fireball or a shot from the ever-destructive spread gun. These guys took strategy. They took poise. They administered countless beat-downs on all of our asses until we realized mathematically-devised patterns that took them out.
The evil, villainous kingpins of the late-eighties/early nineties video-game world depended on these bosses to protect each level. They were ever loyal. It was not until all of these bosses were disposed of that the master kingpin behind it all could be dealt with. 1980s video game level bosses made my childhood challenging and enjoyable yet frustrating and infuriating.
At times, when people near me, notice me deep in thought, they may think Im thinking of adult things. Actually, I silently question my level depletion of bosses if I were a video game crime kingpin, tyrant, or alien. Who would I want to protect my ass? There are so many possibilities, but I have chosen to limit my list to five. These would be my choices for bosses from the real world if I were a video game, crime kingpin, tyrant, or alien. I would certainly enjoy hearing any other choices in this matter. Its best that situations like the world becoming a giant video game are prepared for. Without this preemptive decision, sleep would become difficult. Here are my top 5 level bosses if I were a video game crime kingpin, tyrant, or alien.
5. Scott Stapp (ex-Creed lead singer) and Kevin Federline teamed up.
The first boss is always a bitch. Level one would be super-easy and your character would easily destroy these two assholes by devastatingly smashing their skulls against each other. Their shattered heads pieces would shimmer like broken porcelain on the floor. It would be hilarious. I guess the game would have a mature rating. Creed fucking sucked so bad.
4. The guy from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (pictured)
Look at this guy. Look at that fucking picture. Hes a real mother-fucker. Id find a way to make him grow in size to match the scale of the picture. Your game character would be about the size of that action figure. Hed be huge. Hed be terrifying. Hed run around and act like Ryan Seacrest. What a fucking weirdo. Most guys go out of their way to not look and act like Ryan Seacrest. He devours it. To top it off, Ive seen the guy on T.V. in very limited moments and commercials. Every time I do so, he is fucking crying. He would be one of those bosses with a time-limit to defeat him. It would take place on a level in a giant airplane hanger. As he screams and slaps at you, tears would burst from his tear ducts. If you fail to rip off his head and shit down his neck in the allotted time, your lungs would fill with salty water from his pussy-ass eyes. To make matters worse, he would go to your familys house, apologize for your demise, and build everyone a game room and spa in the backyard to honor your memory. Then hed hug them, and cry about it.
Want to buy a vowel? C R _ Z Y
3. Mike Tyson.
What the fuck else does this guy have to do? I dont think hell be getting hired at the Gap anytime soon with tribal-designs tatted across his face. He even has a little experience playing the role of a video-game end boss. Little Mac always had to bring his A game. Well, Mike, you are the Glass Joe now, beeyutch. Put up your dukes.
2. Danny Bonaduce (pictured)
Small.
All I really have to say about Bonaduce, is that when there are people in this world that are that fucking insane, I want them on my side. He would be very tough to beat being that it is only a matter of time until he commits suicide. He would definitely be a time-limit boss, due to the fact that you would have to beat him and disarm his suicide- bombing vest before it detonated. Extra difficulty would be added when steroids, pain-killers, and alcohol made their way into Bonaduces bloodstream, giving him He-man-like strength and agility.
1. Tookie Williams (pictured), founder of the crips. Currently awaiting execution on death row. By the way, who would you take in a Whos gonna be dead first bet, between him and Bonaduce?
Im sorry but this guy would be my right-hand man. Jesus H. Christ. I dont care if he is peaceful and changed now. Fuck that. All you need to do is check out that picture of him. Hes looks like a comic book character. If I was walking with this guy down the street and he shot lasers out of his eyes, I wouldnt even be surprised. My big video game would actually end if you beat him because my ass would jump out the window of my evil, skyscraper headquarters. I would never want to fuck with the human being who beat this guys ass. Ill try my odds against the pavement from 170 stories up. This son-of-bitch doesnt even look real. I had an extremely difficult time figuring out a way that a character could even actually beat this guy in a level-ending brawl. You could up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-start this guy all you want, he would just mow through your lives. If I were Tookie, I would shave messages into my afro like, I am a total badass, and just walk around town (if I wasnt on Death Row of course). I just cant see him ever losing as a bad-guy level boss. Ideas to defeat him were scarce and seemed like they came deep from the mind of a short-bus-riding, pants-shitter. My only conclusion your character would have to just run around and dodge him until he was executed. The fight scene would last week or so. Good luck!!!
f a g Posted: 1/1/2006by: Rick Daniels Twas the night before Christmas and all through San Quentin, the crips were protesting, and liberals were ventin'.
The cyanide hung by the chamber wth care,
in hopes that the reaper soon would be there.
The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed ; except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead.
And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.
I set up my TIVO to record the news station, and thoroughly loved the momentous occasion.
It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, and that there would be one less savage today.
When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, the cameras all turned to see what was the matter.
When what to my civilized eyes did appear, but a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.
The misguided freaks drew many curious looks, as they proclaimed his innocence; while clutching his books.
The tears then flew out from Sarandon's eyes, as she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.
The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, all toeing the line of the urban decay.
On Asner, on Penn, on liberal cop-haters, On Sharpton, on Jesse and other race-baiters.
Then at 12:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a bitch as they gave him the needle.
When up from the actors there arose such a cry, they had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE !!
I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, Merry Christmas to all .. there was justice tonight!!
OH YEAH, ONE MORE THING... FUCK TOOKIE! tookie Posted: 12/12/2005by: g imagine that guy was dating your 18 yr old WASP daughter what do you do ? My favorite line... Posted: 12/9/2005by: Kris "Hes looks like a comic book character. If I was walking with this guy down the street and he shot lasers out of his eyes, I wouldnt even be surprised"
This statement = Gold; only better. Change that to "gold you can eat" and you've got a rough idea. Solid article Posted: 12/9/2005by: Tom Mc Anything that creates this much discourse is legis. My 5 -
1) High Pitch Eric - He's a goofy looking retard, but if you don't have ear plugs in to ward off his awful girl-like wailing, you're done for
2) The MIZ - Angry about not being on any more real world specials, this slack jawed juiced up yokel would take his aggression out on you
3) Tommy Lee - Before you get to the end of the level, you're armed with a flashbulb camera, once you start taking picture he WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF
4) 50 Cent - Straight gangsta, has already been shot 9 times, and will get the rest of his G Unit underlings to fuck you up
5) Gov. Arnold - yeah he's getting old, but he's still the most masculine politician we have ever seen, second only to Janet Reno. Once you start mentioning repealing certain provisions of the Patriot Act, he's on you like an Italian on a pair of capri pants Scott Stapp??? Posted: 12/9/2005by: AG Why the fuck would you choose thing asshole?! Because he gets drunk, starts bar fights and gets his ass kicked?? I would have to take 311 over him and K.Ferdeline..unless of course Ferdeline spits hot shit at you... Juan Posted: 12/9/2005by: matt Not bad, you lost me a few times, but the pic of Tookie "What the fuck you looking at you pussy ass bitch" Williams forced me back in the story like a Freshman cheerleader int QB's crotch after the homecoming game.
Just one boss-GOD. And not the benevolent. i am talking about the Old Text God of wrath and natuaral disaters. He would just sit up ther on his cloud shaped La-z-boy and wreak natuara distares on your dome piece.
Bosses Posted: 12/9/2005by: Byrd Some of these guys could fill sub-boss roles. The kind of guys you go through, et la Street Fighter, to get to the level boss. 1. Boss Hog - a cheap one, I'll grant you, but he could throw fried chicken bones at you or something. 2. Grizzly Adams - the ability to harness the power of a grizzly bear is something to be respected and feared. 3. The UnderArmour Guy - a surprisingly easy 'kill.' Like Tookie, this guy is jacked and an imposing specimen; unlike Tookie he "looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane," and has no skills whatsoever. Think Turbo Honda in 'Punch Out." 4. Frat Guy - he's got Redbull in his system, his Von Dutch hat askew, and he's looking rumble...provided his 'boys' got his back. 5. The Ohio State Linebacking Corps - big, fast, and ugly, these guys would be a terror, however, they can be prone to hamstring injuries. zack Posted: 12/9/2005by: deuce that sounds like a fun way to make the time pass at the office. oh and when i show people pictures from now on, i am gonna use the voice of krag choder from nickelback and say "look at this photograph, everytime i do it makes me laugh... Two things... Posted: 12/9/2005by: albanian guy Your best article yet, creative and pretty damn funny. I hate to critique but I think if you slimmed down some of the content it would be a lot funnier, less is more in you case., Very funny though thanks.
My boss would be Tom Cruise. Or Paris Hilton. Only because I would love to fucking hammer on both their faces badly. My Five Posted: 12/9/2005by: Zack Walk around your office and talk like Scott Stapp sings, I bet you can't make 4 laps around the offie before someone punches you in the throat. Here's my 5 bosses: 1. Nelly, No real reason, I just think he needs his ass kicked. Once you started to weaken him, he would start to flash red (Like all bosses) And turn into Will Smith, and at this point, he doesn't stand a chance.
2. Larry the Cable Guy, He won't be that hard to beat. You just have to master the art of dodging dirty clothing and a fake accent.
3. The Bill Lumburgh from "Office Space", He'd calmly move about the screen and you would have to destroy his sheild of nearly endless paperwork, once you got through all of that, his receptrionist would appear thowing post-its at you, all while Lumburgh is trying to hit you with hot coffee.
4. Carson Daily, he would just stand in a tower with a microphone and command all of his opinionless minions while they attack you. The key to beating Carson Daily is getting him during a commercial break when the minions put down their signs and Carson steps out for a smoke.
5. The Air Marshall, There would be a short dialogue between your character and the Air Marshall. At which point you would reach for your weapon and the Air Marshall would put one in your chest. You can't beat the Air Marshall. The end. Thanks for playing.
