Look at this photograph... everytime I do it makes me laugh... Grrrr
Cousin Rick, your gift bag looked innocent enough. It held so much promise. It could have been any number of things. Ive never really talked to you at family functions in the past, so I cant even begin to imagine what you bought me for our familys annual gift exchange. A gift card would have been nice. That would fit in a gift bag. As a matter of fact, a gift card would have been perfect. Or cash. Yeah. Cash. That would be the perfect gift to give someone you hardly know anything about. Money fits easily into a gift bag as well. Whatever it is, Im sure it will be fine. Gift exchanges are reminiscent of masturbation anyway. Instead of taking a few bucks and buying something you want, you guess what someone else wants, and spend that money on them. They do the same for you. Hoop-jumping and tradition go hand-in-hand.
Enough with all this stalling. Its time to rip out that tissue paper, and reveal the anticipated present. Here we go. It feels like it may be a CD as I begin to pull the gift from the bag. Not my first choice, since I have a gigantic collection of MP3s and can get any song I ever want for free, but Im sure Ill be able to deal with it. Oh look! You wrapped the CD as well! You sure act an awful lot like a chick instead of a guy. Lets tear through this next shroud of mystery.
You fucker.
Youre lucky that Grandma is sitting right there, or I would remove my belt, lash you with it severely, and strangle you until your eyes bulge. You are a real fucking piece of work. Nickelbacks new album, huh? Fucking Nickelback? What fucking perception do you have of me and my interest in contemporary music? I could just wail on you with a crowbar. I was already at the point, where if I would have heard, Look at this photograph one more time, I might shove toothpicks into my eardrums. Shitting in the gift bag would have been a few bucks cheaper. On top of that, I bet it would sound better if you crammed it into a CD player with a butter knife. I hate you. Thank you for ruining my Christmas, you bastard. I essentially, in a roundabout way, spent money for this fucking turd-bomb of a present.
Guess what I got you, Rick? I should have bought you something equally horrible, like an ash tray shaped like a rhinoceros, or previously used condoms. Im not retarded like you, though. I bought you a gift certificate to the mall. This is a pretty even trade, you prick. You can go pick out whatever you want, and I can listen to Photograph, and contemplate self-mutilation. Go to hell, Rick. I will find a way to get your name in the exchange next year and Ill be pooping into a mega-sized trash bag until then. This isnt over by a long shot. I need a drink.
cripes Posted: 4/4/2006by: judas fuck, i love this article. thanks juan. Thoughts on Nickelback Posted: 1/29/2006by: Nicias A couple friends and I came up with these last week. We are, in fact, losers:
-- Nickelback are actually the 4th and 63rd signers on the Declaration of Independence.
-- In WWII, the second atomic bomb wasn't actually named Little Boy. Nor was it an atomic bomb. It was Nickelback in a group hug.
-- Nickelback can smell guitar riffs.
-- Mormons can't hear Nickelback music/Nickelback is immune to Mormonism.
-- If a woman had an orgasm, that woman has been listening to Nickleback.
-- Nickelback does not have a road crew, nor do they announce the dates or locations of their concerts -- people in the various towns to which they are coming simply sense the band's impending arrival in the city -- because God tells them in a dream -- and frantically put together a stage at its largest stadium, for fear of being choked to death by severed blond locks.
-- Intelligent people know the titanic was sunk not by a glacier, but by a Nickelback guitar riff.
-- Nickelback uses mind bullets.
-- Ken Jennings and Stephen Hawking created an formula to determine who god was. The result? The cosine of Nickelback.
-- For every week that Photograph stays #1 on the charts, the Canadian government sacrifices seven babies and a moose, in honor of Nickelback.
-- Terrorists believe that when they die they get 40 virgins. When Nickelback dies, it gets to watch that fag from SeaQuest get to second base with Tonya Harding.
-- Osama bin laden is the 5th member of Nickelback.
-- Nickelback's pool is filled with heated Perrier holy water.
-- Nickelback has had sex with 15 men, and all 15 men are pregnant.
-- Nickelback won the 1996 Winston Cup Trophy.
-- Nickelback captured Sadaam Hussein.
-- Nickelback stole your juice box.
-- Nickelback was once goaded into a Dance, Dance Revolution battle by a spry young Asian boy. Due to the severely original dance moves, that boy is now paralysed from the neck down.
-- Once when Nickelback was flying to London, the right wing of the plane fell off so the lead singer, Chad, used his right arm as the wing until the plane landed safely at Heathrow. It was later found that while Chad's arm was being used as the wing the remaining 3 members of Nickelback were sitting in lawn chairs on the other wing drinking Boones and arm wrestling God. Thoughts on Nickelback Posted: 1/29/2006by: Nicias -- Nickelback's Eurasian tour is also often referred to by it's other name, "The Black Plague," -- the tour began in Chengdu, China, in early 1330 and ended 271 years later in late 1601. 25 million people were killed.
-- In 2001, at a private ceremony in Burlington, Vermont, Nickelback secretly married a gay man from New York City. Two days later, Nickelback murdered the man with the only reasoning for the event listed as, "that dude was a total fag." Police let the band off with a misdemeanor littering ticket.
-- The Dark Ages actually refers to the time when Nickelback did not tour.
-- When Nickleback played at Woodstock, it had just finished raining and the sun came out. A rainbow appeared. It was then that it was decided that a rainbow would be the symbol for gay pride.
-- Nickelback has a summer home on the moon.
-- Besides the old man and the dog, Nickelback are the only others to know the Bush's Baked Beans recipe.
-- A spokesman from Webster's Dictionary recently confirmed the term "free balling" has officially been changed to "Nickelbacking."
-- Upon arrest, Darryl Johnston, who had been terrorizing locals disguised as a "Creature From the Black Lagoon"-type monster, stood -- with the head of his mask removed -- and said, "my plan would have worked out perfectly if it weren't for the meddling of that darn Nickelback." He then shit himself.
-- Nickelback told you to wear those pants.
-- Nickelback doesn't need to go on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, because they define metrosexualism, in fact the "Fab Five" have invited Nickelback to come on their show and make them over becuase Nickelback is simply the best.
-- Nickelback has been named Wired Magazine's Gadget of the Year every year from 2000-2004. In 2005 the band lost out to Chad Kroeger's balls.
-- Nickelback always finds Waldo.
-- Nickelback has been to the North Pole and you haven't.
-- When at the North Pole, Nickelback played a rockin' show and then spent the rest of the day harpooning penguins for a penguin feast they hosted at the top of the Empire State Building, later that week. Among the event's attendees were that fag from SeaQuest, Kim Jong il, Crocodile Dundee and Johnny Knoxville (aka that fag from Jackass). The dinner was televised on North Korean television (aka a hole in the ground filled with dogshit).
-- In 1997 while performing in Cleveland, Nickelback caught a young boy in the audience making fun of them and put an evil curse on him. It was later found out, the young boy was Joey Fatone.
-- An unknown fact is that Nickelback beat Indiana Jones to the Arc of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Arch, by 5 years. When Indiana came upon the Arc, he found Nickelback passed out in a pile of empty Old English bottles and empty packs of Marlboro Reds.
-- Widely thought to have been melted marshmallows, the added ingredient that makes Rice Krispy Treats stick together is actually Nickelback.
-- The Grand Canyon is actually a footprint from Nickelback
-- When Nickelback touched the Tower of Pizza it became the Leaning Tower of Pizza.
-- Every Whopper sold by Burger King is actually cooked by Nickelback.
-- Nickelback invented planets.
-- Nickelback has been the winner of the last 17 Ultimate Fighting Championships.
-- Riffs from Nickelback's magical guitars bounce off the lead singer's hair and turn into elves that steal money from the pockets of teenagers and then give them hand jobs.
-- If you are listening to Nickelback, Nickelback is happy. If you are not listening to Nickelback, Nickelback will kill you.
-- Every member of Nickelback is capable of incapacitating a 250 lb. man with a guitar pick.
-- Nickelback is the tallest building in Des Moines, Iowa.
-- Japanese ocean exploration was about to score an amazing coup and capture the first ever video of the giant squid at 3,000 meters depth but got distracted when Nickleback swam by and missed the shot.
-- Nickelbac Couldn't turn away Posted: 1/23/2006by: Joe Kickass from the Steelers...had to watch it to the bitter end just to make sure!
Conditions couldn't have been much better, though the crowds could have been. Got there super early both days, but there were lines even on the backside by 10:30. SquaW? I heard lines weren't a problem.
Also, I hit the Biltmore, sat down at a blackjack table with some buddies and lit a smoke. By the time I finished that cigarette, I was down almost $200. It was a good cigarette though and I got a free Jack + Coke for playing. A fucking $200 free Jack + Coke. Joe Kickass Posted: 1/23/2006by: Max What up main? How was Northstar? The football games were lopsided enough, I skiied through. Photograph Posted: 1/23/2006by: Cameron You took the words right out of my mouth about that song and the whole band. Good read. Perfect length for the subject.
I need a drink. Is that the best you could do? Posted: 1/23/2006by: matt Honestly, a couple of gay jokes and saying I only mentioned a few of the bands your great mid listens to, that was the best you could do? I expect something like that from me and my fellow morons but from you I expected a higher level of insults. You keep brining the google search up and from your previous post I am guessing you are:
A) a total pussy that bit his music taste of his sister or lezbo friend; B) A +closet case homosexual; C) A+B+ a pseudo intellectual by all accounts has read two authors Dickens and Ellis and has okay taste in music but unlike most people that have excellent taste in music he is missing a key ingredient; Variety.
Just a thought. nancy-boy Posted: 1/23/2006by: the one, the only, Delphi Joe, you continue to dig yourself deeper into the Meth Lab trailer.
Poison coming out with a new album? Rat? not really Posted: 1/23/2006by: the one, the only, Delphi first off, my collection does not consist of only the bands mentioned. And as far as cognitive reasoning goes, if you couldn't figure it out in less than five minutes you are either:
A. Retarded or B. Retarded and don't listen to music.
So, since you only know the bands (well a very few of the bands) I listed from your friend with much better taste or from a google search, then you likely are a Nickelback/Creed/Yellowcard fan. Have fun with that and chin up, Captain Closet, Scott stapp will get the boys together again. Maybe they'll play the In and Out and then you get let them into your special In and Out reacharound drive through.
Just a thought Exactly Posted: 1/23/2006by: Joe Kickass You're right Delphi. Everyone that doesn't like nancy-boy Death Cab MUST, with no exception, like death metal. There is no in between.
