Hey there, neighbor! Even though I rarely speak to you, I feel like I have really gotten to know you over the past few months that weve been living next door to each other. We really dont acknowledge each other too much in passing, so I thought I would take the first step and compile a little gift package for you. Its nothing big, just a couple things that Ive noticed that might help you out. No need to thank me. Im just a nice guy. Think of it as a sign of good will. Your super-awesome-white-trash-neighbor-gift-bag includes:
A NASCAR Calendar: This was definitely the first item I thought to include in your bag. Just in case you didnt know, its fucking March. Deflate your motherfucking inflatable snow globe in your front yard, rip those goddamned icicle lights off your garage, and take the wreath off of your door. Its amazing you were filled with so much fucking Christmas glee that you got off of your lazy ass and put all the shit up. There was no stopping you. You were like a drunk elf putting that shit up. Ho ho ho. Time flies, dickwad. The Tournament is about to start. Its almost St. Patricks Day. Youre killing me. Throughout the end of January and February, I found the ability to comprehend the fact that you are so much of a fucking deadbeat loser that you cant even find the inner drive to spend one hour taking your white-trash Winter Wonderland down. The kicker is the fact that you still turn the shit on every night. Santa has now been waving at passing cars for a quarter of the year. You should be hung upside down and poked with pointy sticks. As for going with the NASCAR themed calendar, lets just say it was a lucky guess.
25 cents!!!
Second-hand Shit-streaked Tighty-Whities: I saw these at a garage sale for 25 cents and instantly thought of you. Really. The fact being that you tend to wander down your driveway each and every morning in nothing but an untied robe, I figured that this would be a thrilling addition to your ensemble. 25 cents! Who could pass on a deal like that? Ill go without a gumball today so you can build your wardrobe. This really is a testament to how much of an awesome neighbor I am. Im sure those garage sale people never truly intended to sell those Fruit Of The Looms. It was probably a joke. I didnt even try to bargain down the price. I want only the best for you.
Time to move on.
A Brand New American Flag: Now, I realize that you are a big patriot and everything, but I have a couple of really big announcements for you. First of all, the Confederates lost the Civil War. Yep, really. Its all said and done. The ink is dry. Theres really no reason to fly the Dixie flag anymore. I know that you probably dont have the internet or cable or books, so I thought Id just pass that little tidbit along to you. The second major piece of information I have for you is that you live in the northern part of the United States. You know what never mind, Im not even going to try to explain that to you. On to your next awesome gift!
A Walkman: The garage sale did me really well. Two bucks out of my pocket and your cassette tapes have a new home. Instead of jamming those hideous country ballads at top volume while you endlessly work on your late-eighties pick-up truck in your driveway, you can keep all of the harmonized pissing and moaning to yourself. Theres a reason that country music is a second-rate musical industry in this country. Most people simply do not want to hear the shit. Its horrible. Its twangy, whiny, and depressing. Amazingly, country music listeners have the highest suicide rate. There have been actual studies on it. The problem is that we need studies on how to increase that rate. Clamp those speakers on your ears, turn up the banjo-plucking-shit-music, and bang that wrench against your truck until you get another ten miles out of it. Yee-haw.
Well, thats about it for now. This should get you by for a while. Maybe Ill put together another surprise if you take down the Christmas lights. Sorry about breaking that news to you about the Civil War. Bummer, huh?
Applause Posted: 3/6/2006by: Jen Very funny..Reminds me of some people I know. Big Nick Posted: 3/3/2006by: Brenda Della Casa So nice, thank you. GPP Posted: 3/3/2006by: Atlas You were just schooled. Wait Posted: 3/3/2006by: Tom A How can the article contain "southern stereotypes" when it is not about the South? You accuse it of the former, yet contend that you knew the latter. Who's the idiot?
This was just your own insecurities/paranoia acting as transference, which is funny (laughing at you inadvertently making a joke about yourself by assuming someone had already made it about you).
And the mom reference was about how she read it to you. Sorry if that hit too close to home, and you made a second inaccurate, yet telling, inference about you and your Southern self. Sorry Tom, you are so smart, but... Posted: 3/3/2006by: GPP I said nothing about the article taking place in the south. I said it contained southern stereotypes. Nice mom joke though, I am sure you enjoyed the article. You have that classic "I am an idiot" sense of humor. BDC Posted: 3/3/2006by: BigNIck Beautiful, your boyfriend's a lucky man! GPP Posted: 3/3/2006by: Tom A You need to tell the person who read this to you to read more carefully. The article is not about someone from the South (it states that it occurs in the Northern part of the country).
It is telling, however, that you (I mean your mom) read it that way. Awesome Posted: 3/3/2006by: GPP You took every stereotype about the south and put it in one article. Why didn't someone else think of that. Keep up the good work BDC Posted: 3/3/2006by: BigNIck Beautiful, your boyfriend's a lucky man! funny stuff Posted: 3/3/2006by: vanessa Haha.. Great work. I almost spit up the carrots I was eating at the time. Kudos.
