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7th CIRCLE; HELL—In what is being viewed as a snub by evil, Satan, the Dark Lord of the underworld, has declined any kind of endorsement in support of the rock duo The White Stripes and instead, is choosing to speak out against the band. “Get Behind Me Satan” (GBMS), the White Stripes fifth album in six years, hit the stores on June 7th and since its release, Satan has remained eerily quiet in response to its title, a clear plea to the evil deity by White Stripes front man Jack White. That is until today when, at a press conference held in the 7th circle of Hell Comfort Inn, Satan spoke out against the band and refused to “Get Behind” them.
Satan, casually dressed in jeans and a “Weezer” T-shirt, sat calmly while drinking from a bottle of white grape-flavored Evian. He took his time and gathered his thoughts before he addressed the bevy of reporters crammed into the conference room. He was stern yet visibly shaken by all the attention garnered from the latest White Stripes Album.
“I don’t know why Jack White is singling me out like this” he began “but it’s embarrassing and I’d like everyone to stop bothering me about it. I had nothing to do with this album, its creation and, despite the claims by rabid bloggers, Jack White did not sell me his soul in exchange for success. His success is in and of itself. Right now I’m only doing that for Ashley Simpson…Oh yeah! Like any of you are surprised by that. She’s really cute right? Come on! Open your eyes! She’s so ugly I might not even keep her soul.” He said in disbelief. “No I’m just kidding. She’s going to forever burn in hell. I’m getting off track though. The reason I am here, to put it bluntly, is to make the following announcement. NO Jack White, I will NOT get behind you.” Flash bulbs popped and hissed as he leaned back in his chair following the proclamation.
As the fervor faded Satan then launched into an all-too-familiar tirade against the music industry's constant use of his name, image, and doctrine. “It was bad enough in the 80’s when I had all these hair metal bands shining my pole every album trying to sound hardcore. And for one, I never understood that. For some reason everyone always assumes that I’m this raging metalhead. Like my last birthday, for example, my best friend Barry went out and bought me “Krokus Live”. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? And the White Stripes? That’s not really much better. I’m really at a loss here.”
Satan has had a long string of albums he’s spoken out against, dating back to the mid 1980’s when he was all but harassed by a myriad of music groups like Slayer, Iron Maiden, and Was Not Was, all vying for his approval in songs like “Antichrist”, “Blood on Fire”, and “Walk the Dinosaur”.
“I will say that the White Stripes are a LITTLE closer to my musical tastes.” Satan admitted. “Don’t get me wrong though. I still think that Jack White sounds like someone’s kid brother on a practice amp. But at least this album is not as awful as “The Number of the Beast”. Pan really made fun of that pile of crap”, Satan said, referring to the 1985 album by Iron Maiden.
Satan was extremely harsh in his critique of the album. “Oh man. It sucks the sweat off a homeless man's balls” he blurted out when asked if he had even listened to GBMS. “Plenty of hooks and some mildly thought provoking lyrics, but about as much musicianship as a junior high Green Day tribute band.” He exclaimed. “I mean these guys make Everclear look like the Boston Philharmonic. A lot of people say they should hire a bassist. How about getting Meg to take some drum lessons? She sounds like a trained chimp. I should point out that I’m only saying this because they mention me in their album title. I would have left it alone if Jack had left me alone. So I guess I gotta say that this album blows.”
Satan then produced a copy of the CD to illustrate his dissatisfaction with its cover. “Honestly I was excited when I heard about this title. I really was. But look at this cover. What the fuck is this? You got a pedophile Zorro and Meg White is still dressed like Loretta Lynn? What is going on? She’s holding a white apple; am I supposed to know what that means? Oh wait-” he said sarcastically, “yeah, I see… they got their backs to each other and are touching fingers. I get it now. This makes total sense! Yeah, Satan is absolutely going to get behind this! Satan loves it. Satan can’t get enough of this! Gimme a break!”
It was not clear if there was another band that Satan would be “Getting Behind”, and he was quick to distance himself from that position as well. “Look I am not here in favor of supporting another band. Sure there are bands that I love, like The Arcade Fire, Audio Slave, and have you guys heard the new Coldplay? That was pretty lame. I was soooooo disappointed. Anyway, I’m getting off track again…I’m not in the music industry, and I’m not here to give my stamp of approval to anyone. The title of this album is insulting to my purpose in this world. And that purpose is to drink the blood of the innocent, and feast upon the entrails of their young as they burn in hell forever. Also, I thought the new U2 album was pretty much what I expected. Not too many surprises. But come on! The Edge is like 50 or something, right? What DO you expect? Seriously though,” he closed “I’m not getting behind this album. Satan Out!” he said, walking out of the conference room into the eternal fires of hell.
Jack White was unavailable for comment, but did release a statement to the press, which turned out to be a photo of a badly burnt ukulele sitting in an empty aquarium. However no one was readily available to explain what kind of statement that was.
so if it's shitty, don't fix it... anyway, good stuff. i thought "get behind me" meant i'm thru with you or something like that, rather than a request to support the band/album, but what the fuck do i know.. as for the lack of musicianship comment.. the stripes are a little strange for me, and they'd be better off letting Pip "fart on a snare drum", but jack's bluegrass contributions (originals & covers) to the "cold mountain" (could have been a good movie) soundtrack are pretty solid.
Cameron
Funny
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Posted: 10/12/2005 10:08:41 AM
I had just heard a song by them yesterday and was wondering about the title of the album. Funny stuff.
soylent green
Yawn...
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Posted: 10/12/2005 10:42:41 AM
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Patrick
Yeah
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Posted: 10/12/2005 10:44:50 AM
Something is missing there. And the saying in question is not asking for satan's support but telling him to get out of the way. I think it's more of a southern/old-time/religious thing to say that.
J-Smoove
Boring!!!
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Posted: 10/12/2005 12:00:56 PM
You and this article should join your boy satan in the eternal fires, coz thats where crap like this belongs!
Satan
Mis Quote
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Posted: 10/12/2005 1:25:28 PM
What I said is being taken completely out of context. I just former indie rockers to leave me alone. I'm a Nas fan anyway.
yo
Wrong
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Posted: 10/12/2005 3:56:47 PM
The title "Get Behind Me Satan" was a reference to gay sex with the dark lord. As in "Get behind me and ram your red spiked pole into my sold-out bitch ass, Satan."
Joe Kickass
Ha!
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Posted: 10/12/2005 10:10:51 PM
"She’s so ugly I might not even keep her soul."
Awesome.
wacker
um
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Posted: 10/13/2005 3:37:53 PM
Audioslave not Audio Slave. geez, little things ruin big things don't they?
matt
Well at least
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Posted: 10/17/2005 1:24:57 PM
we know Jim Faith didn't sell his soul to be the greatest comedy writer ever.
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Satan, casually dressed in jeans and a “Weezer” T-shirt, sat calmly while drinking from a bottle of white grape-flavored Evian. He took his time and gathered his thoughts before he addressed the bevy of reporters crammed into the conference room. He was stern yet visibly shaken by all the attention garnered from the latest White Stripes Album. 
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