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Don't fuck with Keith
Baseball, or at least baseball on television, loves curses. Loves the very thought of them.
In 2004, according to FOX at least, the Curse of the Bambino was lifted off of the Boston Red Sox. And we all know that the Chicago Cubs continue to be cursed by Curse of the Billy Goat which has plagued the Cubs for years (yeah, like it's really about a fucking goat and not about poor management and crappy baseball players. Damon Berryhill? Get bent.)
During this year's World Series, the media was able to help itself to loads and loads of bemoaning tales about a troubled neighborhood and their beloved, yet cursed baseball team, the Chicago White Sox. The White Sox went on to win the title easily from the Houston Astros, lifting yet another curse, and saving the public from another year of Jay Marrioti's tales of a woe from the Windy City.
So with all of the love for curses which has been going around, I am a little confused why neither FOX nor ESPN has picked up on a curse which has haunted the pride of the National League Central for 23 years. The curse which has left the St. Louis Cardinals without a World Series title since 1982:
The Curse of Keith Hernandez
Although he was not the first to mention The Curse, Dan O'Neill from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch documented it last year. If you are unfamiliar to the story, here's the synopsis:
After the Cardinals won the World Series in 1982, they, like most ball teams are prone to do, celebrated on the field. It is not uncommon for baseball teams to celebrate excessively after winning a championship, and all exploits from those championship winning nights are normally forgotten about and filed under "B" for "Boys Will Be Boys." Unfortunately for the '82 Cardinals, their first baseman, Keith Hernandez, was caught trying to snort the first base line (or so legend has it. In his defense, it was the '80's.Everyone was riding that white dragon. I bet he was trading junk bonds on his huge cell phone, too. Isn't that what everyone did in the '80's?) and a change of scenery was in order for the all-star first baseman.
During June of the next season, Hernandez was traded to the Mets for players who frankly stunk, but were not so obviously addicted to cocaine (Neil Allen and Rick Owenby.)
Hernandez went on to not only lead the Mets to the World Championship in 1986, but also to team up with Roger McDowell in an elaborate plan to spit on a heckler who had poured a beer on McDowell's head during a game at Shea Stadium (the heckler was later identified as one Cosmo Kramer.)
The Cardinals, however, have not won a single championship since Hernandez was sent packing. They have consistently come up short. Over and over, the Cardinals have had key players go down to injuries just before the postseason begins, and normally in bizarre fashion. For example:
During the 1985 playoffs, Rookie of the Year Vince Coleman, the fastest man in the National League, was run over by a damn tarp. A slow moving tarp at that. Oh...the irony!
In 1987, both Terry Pendleton and Jack Clark went out.
In 1996, Ray Lankford hurt himself eating chicken wings and playing Golden Tee (or so I imagine.)
In 2000, Mike Matheny sliced his hand on a hunting knife he had just received as a birthday present from his wife (and I love Matheny, but what kind of redneck gets a hunting knife as a birthday present from their wife?) Matheny couldn't catch in the playoffs, and rookie pitcher Rick Ankiel was clearly flustered having Carlos Hernandez (no relation to Keith, but spooky regardless) behind the plate and promptly threw his pitching career away against the Braves.
Keith Hernandez...some sort of wizard or something
2001? McGwire went out.
2002? Scott Rolen.
2004? Future Cy Young award winner Chris Carpenter.
Clearly, Keith Hernandez was not happy with his departure from Saint Louis. And the Cardinals have been one cursed franchise since then.
This year, Rolen was nice enough to go out early in the season. That left plenty of time for Abe Nunez to get adjusted to the hot corner, and become not just adequate, but down right good. In July, Reggie Sanders went down with a broken leg and Larry Walker had been bothered by injuries all year, but he's old and Canadian. These things happen.
Then, on the final day of the regular season, at the final regular season game ever to be played at Busch Memorial Stadium, something strange yet familiar happened. Al Reyes, the Cardinals most effective relief pitcher all season long, hurt his arm doing something (what did he do, anyway? Does anybody know?). Not only did he miss the playoffs, he'll miss all of next year, too.
The Curse of the Keith strikes again, I thought.
As the Cardinals cruised past their NLDS foes, the San Diego Padres, the Curse of the Keith kicked into overdrive. "If they can win a round without their best relief pitcher, what more do I have to do?" the Curse asked itself.
Obviously, the answer was to break the spine of the Cardinal's hottest hitter, Reggie Sanders. And the Curse did as much. And the Cardinals lost the NLCS in six games.
It has become quite clear to me that the first love of my life, the Saint Louis Cardinals, will never win a World Series until Keith Hernandez lifts his evil spell off of the franchise. And so, i use this space as a plea: Please, Keith Hernandez (whom I'm sure Google's himself frequently to see what people are saying about his mustache and will no doubt find his way to this page) what do I have to do to lift your curse?
Grow a mustache of my own?
Ouch!!!
Develop a coke habbit which could rival yours?
Write an article on The Phat Phree which doesn't mention the Cardinals?
There has got to be something, Keith. I'm begging you! LIFT THE CURSE!
A decent argument could be made that the entire NL Central is cursed; no team in it has won it all since realignment.
Of course, there's no way the Cards are more cursed than the Stros. Look at their BEST year in franchise history. Four games in the World Series, all lost. Scott Podsednik. Geoff Blum. Walkoff homers. Even winning the NLCS was hell (and included the worst moment in Astro fan history in Game 5).
Johnny Lydon
Nice Try...
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Posted: 11/28/2005 12:41:28 PM
... on the Seinfeld reference, but Newman dumped the beer on Mcdowell. Kramer told Hernandez "Nice game, pretty boy!". Good article, though. Hernandez's 'stache should be in the dictionary next to the word. Imagine the awkward moments when he was being interviewed after the game and it looked like his 'stache was caught in a snow drift.
Phil
Two words...
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Posted: 11/28/2005 2:58:26 PM
Two words: porn 'stache.
Phil
Cripes!
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Posted: 11/28/2005 2:59:02 PM
Good grief, he looks like the lead singer from Styx with that horrible 80s 'stache.
stephanie
back off my love bitch
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Posted: 11/28/2005 9:59:42 PM
The boys of summer are my first love, so you need to back the fuck up Alex!
mark
stros are cursed?
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Posted: 11/29/2005 12:18:00 AM
more like the best team in baseball was a little more clutch than your stros who properly grabbed their ankles as the inferior team in the world series. can't fuck with a buzzsaw. great article.
deuceblows
again
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Posted: 12/3/2005 2:34:55 AM
Alex.....you suck big floppy donkey dick
Alex
Hey!
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Posted: 12/4/2005 5:33:38 PM
No I don't!
Or do I?
cardfan
Possibly Lifted
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Posted: 12/28/2005 7:29:20 PM
I distinctly remember being at the last reg season game at busch where Keith says to the effect that he loved STL and the fans....it was his favorite place to play.
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