I am a large man. That doesn't happen by accident. I have been working on this for years and years, and have put in a lot of research. As such, I have realized that there are keys to reaching and maintaining this state. One of these keys is proper selection and management of a Chinese buffet.
Some people may believe that this is as simple as walking into any Tom, Dick or Chong restaurant that happens to have a couple chafing dishes. Those people are wrong. Dead wrong. To fully enjoy the Chinese buffet experience, it takes preparation and dedication. I am here to be the Paulie to your Rocky, the Miyagi (RIP) to your Daniel-son, the fluffer to your Peter North. I am here to properly prepare you for the experience that is . . . the Chinese buffet.
Scouting
Just as in real estate and corpse disposal, the key to finding the right Chinese buffet is location, location, location. All proper Chinese buffets are located in strip malls. If they can afford a stand-alone location, theyre way too high-class to be a good Chinese buffet. And Im not talking about these lifestyle shopping experiences, which are weird yuppie recreations of downtowns or something. Remember, if you can see a Banana Republic from the window, its not a proper Chinese Buffet. It should be in a fairly run-down location, if not an outright ghetto. A good way to determine if your new buffet is in the right place is to count the check-cashing places within five blocks. Fewer than two? Too high class. More than 5? Not safe. Somewhere in between? As our lovely young Goldilocks would tell you, this place is just right.
However, despite what I said last paragraph, location isnt everything when finding the right Chinese buffet. The other rule to remember is naming. If the place doesnt have the words China (or Chinese) and Buffet in its actual name, forget about it. The Hunan Golden Sun Dragon down the street may have the best Tsos youve ever tasted, but their buffet is sure to disappoint. Try the China Buffet a couple blocks over for the real deal (Dont worry if they throw other words in, like Italian-American or Taco Stand. This is to confuse the amateurs. You see China, you see Buffet, you see good eating).
Consumption
Now that youve found your buffet, lets get started. I have found that interior dcor is not a reliable indicator of good buffet, one way or the other. Ive eaten myself to bulimia in the fancy places with bridges over koi ponds, and the places with linoleum floors and fluorescent lighting. So whatever the place looks like, pick a table and sit down.
You cant go wrong with your beverage. Your true A-1 Chinese buffets will give you the drink with the food, but if not, and youre short on cash, youll be OK with water. Otherwise, splurge and get a soft drink of your choice. And Mr. Fancy-Pants, do not order tea. Youll look like an ass, and theyre just going to bring you some hot water with dirt in it anyway. Save that shit for a real restaurant.
Now we move on to the actual buffet. The first rule is to block out your mothers voice in your head telling you to have some salad. For one thing, the month-old iceberg and shaved carrots dont really count as salad. For another, if we were trying to be healthy, wed be at Juice n Fiber. Were here to eat crap. Plus, well actually be at the salad bar later, so dont worry about it.
No, our first trip up is not about rabbit food, its about laying a foundation. Going to a buffet is sort of like drinking in some ways. When youre out to tie a good one on, you start out with a nice hi-test microbrew, one that actually tastes good. Then, as your taste buds cease functioning as the evening moves on, you slide down the swill-o-meter until you end up passing a 40 of Cobra back and forth with the lovely young lady you won in a pool game at the last bar. The parallel in the world of Chinese buffet is to start with the stuff you know you like. A good Chinese buffet is a world of mystery and confusion, but there are always the standbys that you can feel safe with. Have some fried dumplings, some boneless riblets, a couple dim sum if they have them. Then retreat to your table. Dont feel the need to attack everything at once. Like any battle, there are stages.
This brings me to a small side point that some people seem to forget. Dont question what meat youre eating at a Chinese buffet. If it doesnt say, assume its pork or chicken and eat it. If it doesnt taste good, dont finish it. If you spend too much time analyzing the content of what youre eating, your gluttonous fun will be over before its begun.
OK, like a good painter, youve finished your base coat, and youre moving back for Round 2. This is where the challenges begin. The first trip up, you knew where you were headed. Now youre in uncharted waters. Fortunately, your trusty guide, the Sacajawea of Sterno, is here to help you out.
When youre on Trip 2, you might not know what it is youre putting on your plate. Thats OK, as long as you follow these simple rules
- If its steamed, avoid it. Again, the steamed chicken at Golden Moon may be to die for, but were talking buffet chicken here, which makes the stuff at Taco Bell look like grade A fowl. If it hasnt been fried one way or another, dont allow it on your plate.
- Stay on the continent. Many Chinese buffets have tried to draw families by adding things their porky little kids will eat, things like pizza and cheeseburgers, to their offerings. Avoid these at all costs. Remember when Burger King sold tacos? Exactly. Stick with the Asian food.
- Get your moneys worth avoid pure starches. I dont care if you think fried rice is the best thing since slow-mo porn, do not waste the space on it. You can get fried rice anywhere, it costs them a nickel a ton. All its going to do is sit in your stomach and swell up, taking away space from other things. The noodles may look wonderful, but theyre just flour in soy sauce and are going to occupy valuable real estate in your tum tum. If theres sauce on your plate, leave it there or use your fingers. Were not here to be polite.
- Generally stay on dry land. No matter how tempting the Happy Sea Family looks sitting there, bits of krab and lawbster floating in an unidentifiable off-white sauce, remember where you are. If these people can afford to let you eat all that you can (and more importantly, let Ricki Lake behind you eat as much as she can), chances are this is not top-of-the-line seafood. Exceptions can be made for fried shrimp, and possibly fried scallops, but dont say you werent warned.
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Following these simple rules, your second trip up can be an amazing adventure of discovery, finding new and exciting fried things you cant describe, or possibly guess whats inside. All you know about what youre putting in your mouth is: its crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside, and makes you happy. Dont bother trying to get the names of what you just ate, because the labels at Chinese buffets are notoriously incorrect. The reason the Chicken Ball tasted just like the Veggie Morsel is because theyre probably just the same thing.
Now that youve found all that your buffet has to offer, its time to end the main portion of the program with a final trip. By this point youre not sure if you have any room left, but goddam it, you paid $5.95! If you need to go take a dump to clear up some space, by all means do so. Just wipe thoroughly before and after.
Now youre ready for your final assault on the main tables. This is basically a third verse, same as the first. Were looking to give ourselves warm memories, so were going to get stuff we know we like. Now, though, we have the knowledge based on the second trip as well, so we can expand our safe list to include the specialties of this particular smorgasbord. We are filling up quickly here, so well probably want fewer of each item than in prior trips. A dumpling here, a mysterious fried sphere there, and we can bid a fond, possible tearful, goodbye to the main dish portion of the program
Dessert
By now, youre ready to explode. There is no way you can cram any more food into your stomach. Youve already unbuttoned the pants (or, if you came properly prepared, untied the drawstring on your sweatpants). However, you must reach deep inside (with your finger if you must) to find the space for dessert.
Dessert is the rebel of the Chinese buffet experience. You may recall that you seldom have dessert at a traditional Chinese restaurant. This is because there are no good Chinese desserts. This is why the Chinese are so damn skinny. Fortunately, Chinese buffets realized they arent catering to Chinese people, and have added real desserts for the John Madden wannabes among us.
This is where we violate our first rule: Go Western. Of course youre going to have a fortune cookie, but that hardly counts as dessert. Youre going to want to have a good old fashioned American dessert. However, American here does not include apple pie. Or chocolate cake. Or chocolate chip cookies. Or any baked good at all. All of these are cheap imitations of the original, and are not going to satisfy your picky, if overwhelmed, palate.
Instead, go for the thing that was born and bred to be a cheap imitation of the original: soft serve ice cream. All you expect is a deliciously chemical cold experience. Get the soup bowl (the ice cream dishes are far too small), and fill up with your preference of vanilla, chocolate, or swirl.
Then youre going to want toppings. However, this comes with a decided warning. All Chinese buffets have only one area for liquids. As such, they use this space to store both dessert toppings and salad dressings. As such, because there are those who dont have the primer you do, some people may have actually had salad, upon which they put dressing. And these Neanderthals may have spilled some dressing in your chocolate sauce. You can pick your way around it and still enjoy the chocolate sauce, but pick carefully. There is nothing worse than having a delicious spoonful of sundae ruined by the tang of French dressing.
Now some of you may feel that the soft-serve sundae is below you. I can get that anywhere, you say, looking instead for a unique Chinese buffet dessert experience. Good for you. Be strong, be brave, and follow me down the path of true enlightenment. As with all paths of true enlightenment (Ive found four so far), this one strays far off the beaten trail.
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Every Chinese buffet offers, for some reason, sweet fried dough balls. They put these in the main dish area, but do not be fooled: theyre donut holes. Why are they there? Nobody knows. But look this gift horse in the mouth at your peril. Instead, grab a small plate, and place two of these delightful sugar puffs in the center. Now, move over to the salad bar. I mentioned earlier (if you can still remember) that we would in fact return to the salad bar. But salad is not our goal here. Oh no, our goal here is those large, gelatinous globs in the bowls on the far right. One brown, one slightly yellow, and perhaps a third with strange bubbles in it. Thats right: the pudding. Choose a flavor, for theres no wrong answer here, and spoon some over your donut holes. If youre feeling adventurous, go tapioca. If youre feeling downright reckless, mix and match.
Now your plate contains the ultimate gift of Chinese buffets, named with Buddhist simplicity: donuts and pudding. Take this back to your table. Spoon it into your mouth, feeling the velvety texture of the pudding slide down your throat, the chewiness of the donut holes massaging your rotting teeth. Feel yourself lifted to Nirvana. Close your eyes and enjoy what Confucius himself is suspected to have written about in a small, unpublished book written on cheap napkins and left at a buffet in Shanghai in 492 B.C.
Now you are prepared to leave. While there is not an obligation to tip at a buffet, a minimum 10% gratuity for the people who continuously cleared your plates and refilled your beverage is a kindness that will not go unrewarded in the next life. Wedge yourself from your table, go to the counter, and pay the smiling, barely English-literate person there. And when they say Tank you, respond No, tank you, for this most delightful gift. They may well have no idea what youre saying, but theyll know that youre leaving bloated and happy, which is the greatest satisfaction of all.
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