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Make everyday smell like pee and garbage.
Hey there, neighbor! Even though I rarely speak to you, I feel like I have really gotten to know you over the past few months that we’ve been living next door to each other. We really don’t acknowledge each other too much in passing, so I thought I would take the first step and compile a little gift package for you. It’s nothing big, just a couple things that I’ve noticed that might help you out. No need to thank me. I’m just a nice guy. Think of it as a sign of good will. Your super-awesome-white-trash-neighbor-gift-bag includes:
A NASCAR Calendar: This was definitely the first item I thought to include in your bag. Just in case you didn’t know, it’s fucking March. Deflate your motherfucking inflatable snow globe in your front yard, rip those goddamned icicle lights off your garage, and take the wreath off of your door. It’s amazing you were filled with so much fucking Christmas glee that you got off of your lazy ass and put all the shit up. There was no stopping you. You were like a drunk elf putting that shit up. Ho ho ho. Time flies, dickwad. The Tournament is about to start. It’s almost St. Patrick’s Day. You’re killing me. Throughout the end of January and February, I found the ability to comprehend the fact that you are so much of a fucking deadbeat loser that you can’t even find the inner drive to spend one hour taking your white-trash Winter Wonderland down. The kicker is the fact that you still turn the shit on every night. Santa has now been waving at passing cars for a quarter of the year. You should be hung upside down and poked with pointy sticks. As for going with the “NASCAR” themed calendar, let’s just say it was a lucky guess.
25 cents!!!
Second-hand Shit-streaked Tighty-Whities: I saw these at a garage sale for 25 cents and instantly thought of you. Really. The fact being that you tend to wander down your driveway each and every morning in nothing but an untied robe, I figured that this would be a thrilling addition to your ensemble. 25 cents! Who could pass on a deal like that? I’ll go without a gumball today so you can build your wardrobe. This really is a testament to how much of an awesome neighbor I am. I’m sure those garage sale people never truly intended to sell those Fruit Of The Looms. It was probably a joke. I didn’t even try to bargain down the price. I want only the best for you.
Time to move on.
A Brand New American Flag: Now, I realize that you are a big patriot and everything, but I have a couple of really big announcements for you. First of all, the Confederates lost the Civil War. Yep, really. It’s all said and done. The ink is dry. There’s really no reason to fly the Dixie flag anymore. I know that you probably don’t have the internet or cable or… books, so I thought I’d just pass that little tidbit along to you. The second major piece of information I have for you is that you live in the northern part of the United States. You know what… never mind, I’m not even going to try to explain that to you. On to your next awesome gift!
A Walkman: The garage sale did me really well. Two bucks out of my pocket and your cassette tapes have a new home. Instead of jamming those hideous country ballads at top volume while you endlessly work on your late-eighties pick-up truck in your driveway, you can keep all of the harmonized pissing and moaning to yourself. There’s a reason that country music is a second-rate musical industry in this country. Most people simply do not want to hear the shit. It’s horrible. It’s twangy, whiny, and depressing. Amazingly, country music listeners have the highest suicide rate. There have been actual studies on it. The problem is that we need studies on how to increase that rate. Clamp those speakers on your ears, turn up the banjo-plucking-shit-music, and bang that wrench against your truck until you get another ten miles out of it. Yee-haw.
Well, that’s about it for now. This should get you by for a while. Maybe I’ll put together another surprise if you take down the Christmas lights. Sorry about breaking that news to you about the Civil War. Bummer, huh?
There's a fucking reason to fly the Confederate flag... make no mistake.
Jack Donnely
Good
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Posted: 3/3/2006 9:24:09 AM
Pretty good article, one of the better ideas I have seen in a while. Wished it was a little longer even. Sounds like Rinkie is a big Dukes of Hazzard fan.
Atlas
Good stuff
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Posted: 3/3/2006 10:20:17 AM
I enjoyed it. You normally are a little more obscene though, which I like of course.
GDJ
Rinkie?
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Posted: 3/3/2006 10:59:09 AM
The south will never rise again. It is not about tradition or heritage, it is about slavery. The people down south still want to owe slaves, but since its not legal, they go and screw their sister instead. So do us a favor and go fuck your sister.
Tom A
War Of Northern agression
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Posted: 3/3/2006 11:24:07 AM
People always saw the North won.
Did we?
Rinkie
GDJ?
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Posted: 3/3/2006 11:27:40 AM
Of course we want to own slaves. Who doesn't?
andy k
well done
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Posted: 3/3/2006 11:46:22 AM
another good article. well done juan
deuce
this is so close
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Posted: 3/3/2006 11:56:51 AM
to casey mcdougal's "white trash neighbor" article that i know you couldnt have seen it. both are on point though.. good stuff juan.
p.s. "real" confederates fly the bonnie blue.
vanessa
funny stuff
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Posted: 3/3/2006 1:22:51 PM
Haha.. Great work. I almost spit up the carrots I was eating at the time. Kudos.
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