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What are your options when everyone in the world fucking hates you? Of course, you could just go to the “Y,” take some classes, and suddenly begin breaking people’s arms in multiple places with strategically-placed rabbit punches. That’s cool and all, but it would really occupy a lot of your free time and, ultimately, you are bound to attack some guys that are completely insane and methodical in their approach to pain infliction. In the end, violence is more of a lifestyle adaptation, than a solution for everyone hating your fucking guts.
While this may be a depressing thought for people that are hated by everyone, they can take solace in the fact that solutions are existent and available for them. The following are helpful solutions if everyone fucking hates you.
Get a disease.
Unless you are a flaming shitwad, people will stop throwing rocks at you if you happen to be diagnosed with a serious illness. It is one of the strongest weapons of diplomacy. Think about Lance Armstrong. The man has doping allegations brought against him continually. Some new reports came out as recent as a week ago. Most people never say a word. Some people react like your talking smack on Jesus if you bash Armstrong. The new bike guy who just won the Tour de France was accused of doping and most people have already labeled him as a cheating bastard. He denied the allegations and was tabbed a liar by the media.
Armstrong has been mentioned with doping as much as Barry Bonds. That’s ironic when you look at how the two of them are publicly perceived. Lance Armstrong beat testicular cancer, and in turn, became awesome. It doesn’t matter if he cheated, he overcame adversity. He even turned the childhood craze of making friendship bracelets into a charity empire which created a very successful and wealthy black market as a side effect. A heavily accused enhancement drug abuser is able to launch a social movement? Fuck, it would be awesome if Barry Bonds gave that a shot. Barry Bonds should zone in on another popular childhood craze and launch a social movement of his own. He could begin opening up franchise lemonade stands across the U.S. that raise money for kids to purchase weight-lifting equipment. He could smile at the camera, shout “Drink my lemonade, lift your weights, and be strong like me!” and break baseball bats between his fingers. It’s not very likely, unless he gets diagnosed with something soon.
Now, let’s be fair, Lance is a bit more personable than Barry. This may contribute to the different public perception of the two men, but it is still undeniable that Lance’s disease keeps most Bonds-like hatred from being shot in his direction as allegations repeatedly surface about him. Fuck, the man lost his nut (literally), the least we could do is stop kicking him in the ball and calling him a cheater.
So, if everyone you know hates you, should you go out and get a disease? Of course not, take a drama class at the “Y,” and fake one. This may not stop all hatred aimed towards you, but it will surely turn down the volume. If you play your cards right, some people will even talk to you once in a while. On top of that, you’ll be allowed to cheat at stuff and win all the time. Who is going to tell a guy who had his nuts chopped off that he was over par on the fourth hole?
Another valuable method to decreasing people hating you is to…
Die.
Nothing makes people say nice things about you more than when you die. People actually have lengthy conversations about their memories with you. It’s almost like a competition breaks out between people who knew you to see who was a better friend with you. Dead people are fucking popular as hell. Unless a person was the sloppy, sticky, shit scum of the Earth, most people will really ease up on a dead guy and attempt to show some positivism.
I know a guy who abused his girlfriend and repeatedly skipped out on child support. When he died a few years back, his obituary sounded like he spent his days reading the bible, helping old ladies across the street, and rescuing kittens from trees. There was no mention of the time he settled a gambling debt with a crowbar or pissed in a guys drink while working at a fast food restaurant.
The problem with this solution is similar to the last one. Who wants to die just to make people stop loathing them? I recommend faking your death. While it is much more complicated than faking a disease, it is far cooler and can pay huge dividends. Imagine the cash you could make releasing rap albums after you die. People love dead rappers. You could rap about anything and still go platinum. Drop a track about eating popsicles and riding ponies just to prove it. The money will pile in. Who knew that the American dream could be so easy?
If you don’t feel like faking a disease or death, the final solution is to simply…
Get rich.
Friends will surely be on the way if you wear a big diamond chain and roll spinners. Yes, it is true that most people will still hate the shit out of you when you are rich, but you will not give a flying fuck. You will be too busy buying shit and making fun of poor people. The real challenge is figuring out how to truly achieve this best of the three solutions. If I knew the answer, I’d probably already own the world and have my own shoe. All I can offer are some popular methods that have been used recently. They include impregnating Britney Spears, being born into the right family, singing shitty songs to remixed eighties music, or admitting to killing Jon Bonet Ramsey. Good luck!
Great idea and a couple of good lines. Not laugh out loud funny, but pretty fucking good....
Let me quicly preempt the idiocy that's about to ensue:
Tom A: Does this article remind you of SOMEONE?
That Guy: Yes, it is about HIM. LOL
Bystander: OMG, just spilled coffee on my keyboard Tom A! It's about HIM!!! LOL!!!
MC Tine
No batteries included and no strings attached
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Posted: 9/21/2006 9:37:27 AM
Yo, uh, Yo, uh, Check it out Ya'll
Yo, my man's like Yoda Owning Minnesota For all the games he wins I'd like to show him my Twins He's quick with the wit and knowledgeable bout shit He specializes in the art of the tit He may be Carnie, archy, and Sheen but he's still the baddest mutha fucker on the scene He can tell a nice rack from a mile away Mad props go out to my nigga Tom A
Happy Birthday nigga!
Juan, I'll be back later to give your article my undivided attention. kisses.
Fast Freddy
U-Gene
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Posted: 9/21/2006 9:42:40 AM
Shut the fuck up, you annoying little prick.
Solutions 1 and 2 wouldn't be enough to save you, but utilize them anyway.
I heard that picture of that troll up top was taken right after you offered her $50 and dinner at Red Lobster if she'd spank you with a wooden spoon while wearing your mother's apron.
Milton
Good
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Posted: 9/21/2006 10:00:20 AM
Work, Juan. Pretty funny but not as good as Eugene having a fit over the attention he gets here.
Eugene
Fast Freddy is it?
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Posted: 9/21/2006 10:06:22 AM
Great name...Not cliche or anything. Just fantastic.
And by the way, where do you get the balls to address me without ending your sentence with "sir"? I mean are you fucking kidding me? If I ever catch you disrepecting me again, I will break your fucking clevicle, you unoriginal fucking rodent.
Tom A
MC 'Tine
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Posted: 9/21/2006 10:41:03 AM
Much gratitude. Word to your baby's daddy.
P.S. Word on the steet is that your Twins are lovely: I think we'll call them Justin and Joe. Or maybe Johan and Boof? Hmmm - probably have to have that viewing to figure it out.
antony
fucking damn...
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Posted: 9/21/2006 10:44:19 AM
seriously...get fucking recording contract and make something of yourself christine, i would buy your records just because your a whitegirl.
antony
ummm
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Posted: 9/21/2006 10:46:24 AM
i guess i should add to that... you're a whitegirl, and your rhymage actually sounds pretty good.
juan- article was good, bonds/armstrong corrilation was awesome.
Christine
Anybody Juana party
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Posted: 9/21/2006 10:57:58 AM
Juan, as usual you are a god among words. I wouldn't recommend that a hated person should die though. Evertime someone I hate dies, I feel bad, then I hate them even more for making me feel bad. But I gave it 5/5 because I'm carrying your kid. We need to talk about this. Does Charlie pay you anything?
Tom A- Their names are Patty and Tatty and that can never be changed.
Antony- Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don't think you realize just how white I am. I loathe rap music and only do that in jest. Ha! could you imagine me hanging out with Death Row records and crew.
mid west fat ass
Christine
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Posted: 9/21/2006 11:11:02 AM
Just when I thought you cound't be more of a bitch, Bam! you start rapping
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