Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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Hawkman35: Hey, Aquaman, what's happening?
SplashKing007: Not too much. I was just talking to fish and riding seahorses, you know, the regular.
Hawkman35: I was hoping that I could talk to you about something very important to me.
SplashKing007: Go for it, Hawkman. I am a fantastic listener, and an even better swimmer.
Hawkman35: I've been really depressed lately. I spend a great deal of time pondering life and I don't like what's been forming in my mind. I am beginning to suspect that I am a shitty super-hero. The whole costume and shit haunt me in my sleep. There are days, pal, when I sometimes think about ending it all.
SplashKing007: Yeah, I can see where you're coming from with all of that. What are you thinking of doing, flying into a super huge windshield or something?
Hawkman35: ...
SplashKing007: There's really no question that your costume is fucking hilarious, especially your mask.
Hawkman35: Umm...
MeangreeN: What's crackin', y'all.
SplashKing007: Hey, Green Lantern.
Hawkman35: Welcome.
MeangreeN: I was hoping to see you online, Hawkman. I received your enormous e-mail about killing yourself earlier today. I would have called, but I'm super-close to going over on my minutes. I wanted to let you know that I can totally see where you're coming from with the whole suicide contemplation thing. It's all about pros and cons, buddy.
Hawkman35: Well, Green Lantern, I sort of wanted that e-mail kept somewhat quiet.
SplashKing007: Goddamn, Hawkman, you are in serious need of some attention, aren't you?
HandcuffCutie2007: Hello guys, what's up? How are you doing honey?
Hawkman35: Not too bad, Hawkgirl. It's wonderful to hear from you.
SplashKing007: Not too bad? Hawkgirl, your feathered lover is debating killing himself due to a brutal bout with self-awareness. He feels he may be a shitty super-hero.
HandcuffCutie2007: My love, is this true? Do you really want to kill yourself over being a shitty super-hero?
Hawkman35: Let me explain myself...
HandcuffCutie2007: I really would have thought that your incredibly small penis would have been the factor that finally pushed you over the edge.
Hawkman35: Mother fucker.
SplashKing007: Oh no, she didn't!
MeangreeN: Damn, Hawkman, I never even thought you had a penis. I always thought that you would just shit out some eggs when you felt the desire to reproduce. You have to admit that you're a pretty weird dude.
SplashKing007: You think of Hawkman reproducing?
MeangreeN: He mesmerizes me on occasion.
HandcuffCutie2007: I didn't think that anyone thought about Hawkman, except for me, when I need money.
Hawkman35: Jesus Christ.
SplashKing007: So, Hawkman, how are you thinking of ending it?
HandcuffCutie2007: I think it would hold some ironic value if you jumped off of a tall building and smacked the pavement at an astounding rate of speed.
SplashKing007: That would be pretty crazy. LOL
MeangreeN: Personally, I was thinking that it would be hilarious if Hawkman ate a shitload of Alka-Seltzer and exploded.
SplashKing007: OMG! LOL!
Hawkman35 has signed off.
HandcuffCutie2007: I wonder if he's going to really do it.
MeangreeN: I bet you $20 he does it with the Alka-Seltzer.
SplashKing007: I would have helped drown him if he would have just asked.
Posts: 171 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Cherry Hill, NJ
Posted: 6/12/2007 10:01:35 AM
As I recall Aquaman was a kinda weak ass superhero. Batman developed the plan, Superman and Wonderwoman did the work, while Green Lantern made it look cool. The only superfriend that was weaker was the wondertwin who turned into water.
Hawkman would not have an opportunity to kill himself. Cheyney would shoot him on some redneck hunting trip.
Animal from the Road Warriers asks him to partner up thinking its Michael Hegstrand his old partner. When he comes to the realization its a fucking bird man he finishes him off with a hangmans neckbreaker Gorilla Press Drop combo.
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Hawkman35: Hey, Aquaman, what's happening?
SplashKing007: Not too much. I was just talking to fish and riding seahorses, you know, the regular. 
MeangreeN: What's crackin', y'all. 
HandcuffCutie2007: Hello guys, what's up? How are you doing honey? 
