Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Sweet jump, you talentless fuckwad.
Yeah. I saw it. Great. Amazing.
What?! Yes, I'm watching...Jeez. I said it was great.
No. You know what? No more. Come here, son. It's your fifth birthday, right?
What? Seventh. Really? You're seven?
Okay, okay. You're seven. That just makes this gift all the more important. Listen, I've decided to give you the gift of truth. In my years as your father, I have shielded you from the truth on various occasions. There are things that most fathers never reveal to their children. I've decided to pull no punches.
First of all, your swimming jumps are less than impressive. And by, "less than impressive," I mean that you look like a fucking jackass. Please stop asking me to watch. Just fucking stop. I spent the last hour counting how many times you yelled, "Watch, dad, watch!" Thirty-eight, my boy, which is just unacceptably ridiculous. Why do you feel that a dead sprint into the swimming pool requires my undivided attention? Jesus, boy, I just want to get through one fucking page of this book? It's not like you are doing a gainer--it's the same herky-jerky bullshit every time. Have you ever heard of going in head first? At this point, anything other than your flying Michael J. Fox impression would be a relief.
I thought it was impossible for me to be more embarrassed than the time you went 0-5 in your tee-ball game, but here I am. Bobby's dad asked me what it was like to have a retarded son.
What would your reaction be if I endlessly called out for you to watch me run in an uncoordinated manner at the pool, pinching my nose closed and pumping my other fist like I was a retarded drum major on crystal meth. Sticking your arm out as you awkwardly hurdle yourself into a swimming pool does not qualify as a "sweet dive." I know I said it was, but I was lying. No more.
It would be like me making you watch every single time I bit into a hamburger? Eating a hamburger actually has a higher difficulty level than your assaults on the deep end and my pride.
"Hey, watch! This one has hickory-smoked bacon on it. Watch, I'm going to open my mouth real wide, shove the burger in my mouth, and bite up and down for a few moments. Hey... watch, I'm going to do it again. And again. And again. And again.
You know what the worst part is? It's not the mind numbing void of creativity, skill, and shame. It's watching you prance and leap with an almost total lack of athletic talent. It leads me to the heart-breaking realization that my dreams of living vicariously through your athletic accomplishments will go unfulfilled. I hoped you were just going through an awkward phase, but it's time to be honest with myself too.
Secondly, you aren't fooling anyone with that tee shirt. If anything it just accentuates the size and depth of your massive belly button. Every person here knows you are fat. All that giant, wrinkled Sponge Bob shirt clinging to your oversized torso is doing is letting them know you still watch that ridiculous kid's cartoon too. You were too old for that a minute ago when I thought you were only five.
Now let me get back to my book.
What do you think people say when they see you? "Wow, that kid has a really thick shirt on." Well, they don't. They say, "Look at the tits on that kid." I mean, you look like the Michelin man. Listen, if you're going to continue to eat only fast food and fish sticks, you've gotta embrace being the fat kid. Develop an obnoxiously loud laugh, start making self-deprecating jokes, and be super friendly. You should be doing cannonballs and soaking the cute girl's towel.
Now, here's twenty bucks. Go get yourself some hotdogs, and let me read my book.
Posts: 1032 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 3/29/2007 8:53:33 AM
between this and last weeks si cover (the literary fellatio portion of the sports media's super-chub with osu*) - i am so very glad i dont have a son. i mean, it'd be nice, but can you imagine that phone call last week??
"hey dad, it's me, mark." "oh great" "i made the si cover.. gooooooo buckeyes!!!" (dial tone)
* i cant wait to see candlelight, some kenny g playing in the background on the sports center following osu's championship - which may not happen seeing that oden has to finally "pick on somebody his own size" 1st.
Guy in pic #2 ... I cant do it. Holy fuck that picture was perfect. Fat people who can prop things up (usually plates of food) on their bellies are hilarious.
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/29/2007 9:46:37 AM
Means 1 of 2 things. Either Juan has a child or he was just on vacation. Either way, this saddens me. He writes the child's ridiculous behavior so well that he probably has a family and I am not a part of it. If he was recently on vacation, that means he did not take me with him. This news is devastating.
Deuce, I thought you did have a son? no? a boy and a girl right? What happened to your son?? what did you go and do?
Posts: 96 Rank: 44 Joined:
3/16/2007
Location:
Kansas City, MO
Posted: 3/29/2007 10:08:16 AM
The diving board. I don't know how many times I've seen the awkward kid go to the end of the diving board, yell at the top of his lungs for mom/dad to watch, holding up the whole line. Then the kid makes the cautious approach, just to fall off the end of the board in a manner that makes it look lucky that the little sonofabitch hit the water.
Best part of it, the next older kid in line who doesn't wait long enough to jump, and full on body slams the weakling under the water causing the lumbering head injury doggy paddle back to the side.
Posts: 1084 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 3/29/2007 10:10:51 AM
The pictures just make the article. Anyone who lets their child wear a shirt at a swimming pool should be shot in the face just for the simple fact that you let your child get so fat that they feel the need to wear a shirt at a swimming pool. This is sign #1 that you are a horrible parent and should stop procreating immediately.
I thought you were too old for that a minute ago when I thought you were only five.
is wonderful.
Kids can be annoying as hell.
By the way, is it wrong to tell your 5th-grade daughter, who dreams of playing in the WNBA, that she would have to also deliver pizzas to make ends meet and then force a golf club into her hand? Just curious...
This is why I think that children bans should be in effect. If my smoking habit is so offensive, that it cannot be done in public, how the fuck do these same people think it's ok to bring their loud obnoxious little brats there. Seriously, what would you rather have, some guy sitting off to the side, quitely contemplating the world while he smokes a cig. Or 10 screaming brats, demanding things, spilling things, all screamign for the attention of the parents who never wanted them.... Easy fucking choice right? I think restaraunts and all other public places should at least have children and non-children areas. Also, what's with these little fucks never being able to look where they are going. If I see one more little moron walking down the sidewalk, mall, etc. looking way up and to the side, I'm just gonna hip check that fucker right through a wall. I'm done with it.
Can't we just sent them to camp from like 2-17. I dunno someplace there total lack of attention spans can learn to grow, somewhere they can concentrate... I've got it, we'll call it concentration camp.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
