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It’s a bright, early morning at Dallas Cowboys’ mini-camp. The players are going through stretches and most of the coaches are setting up drills. Bill Parcels is approached by a U.P.S. delivery man about a large package for one of his players back at the locker room. He was informed that it was for Terrell Owens. Ordinarily, in a situation like this, he would tell the player about the package after morning practice, but this was T.O. He knows he must pick his battles. Bill tells Owens about the package and Terrell leaves for the locker room. Bill wipes the sweat from his brow, eats six hamburgers, gives his stuffed Terrell Owens plush doll a big, huge hug, and enjoys the comfort of a dodged bullet.
Owens arrives at the locker room to find a gigantic, cardboard box. A large note is hanging on the front of it. Owens reaches and tears it from the box. As he unfolds it, his imagination goes apeshit. He holds the paper to his face. It reads…
Dear Terrell,
How the hell have you been old buddy? I was playing as you on Madden the other day, and holy fucking hell, you are unreal. You treat triple coverage like a three-dollar whore. I got like 14 Madden Cards because of you! Anyways, I’ve been thinking a whole lot about you, champ, and I want to put our differences behind us. As a token of my appreciation for our friendship, I decided to grant you with a gift as an offering of peace. Terrell, my brother, you are the bomb.
That is why I knew that I had to see you ride a vehicle that matches your ferocity. An All-Pro, like yourself, doesn’t need 4 wheels to drive and get around. You are better than everyone else… you only need 2 wheels to be mobile. Boy, oh boy, I bet you’re going to love this surprise! Take a deep breath. Here we go. Inside the box, you will find a brand new Suzuki GSX 1300 R motorcycle. It tops out at 194 miles an hour. I think some dude jumped Niagara Falls on one once. Cool, huh? It is like the Terrell Owens of the motorcycle world. No one can match it. It is only fitting that the two of you should be united.
You are probably noticing that amongst all this awesomeness, something is missing. Did I leave something out of the gift? I have yet to mention a matching helmet, right? That is because helmets are for dork-ass nerd-dick pussies. You want people to know that you are Terrell Owens when you go buzzing by them at speeds that peel your face to the back of your head. Nobody else on the highway dresses up like Star Wars characters. Why do have to be rolling as Darth Vader? Fuck helmets.You are way too cool for them. Now, go ahead and hop on, give it a whirl. I sent your boss Bill 15 bags of pork rinds and a keg of Pabst. He’ll forget all about you missing practice this morning. We both know that Jerry Jones won’t give a fuck. Go for a ride. A warp-speed zoom around the neighborhood on that machine will surely loosen you up for afternoon practice.
I hope that we are cool now. I want to put our differences behind us. Enjoy the bike, Terrell. I heard that Randy Moss can pop wheelies on his and Chad Johnson is able to do multiple tricks from Excitebike with ramps and what not. You’re the best!
Your Buddy, Andy Reid
P.S. Let me know if you need any help finding a good ramp guy.
You are a funny writer, but don't stretch yourself too thin. I'm seeing a lot of rehashing as far as style goes. Keep it fresh. Keep it at least every few days. Don't wear yourself and your audience out. This was subpar.
nills
Eh??
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Posted: 6/14/2006 1:48:25 AM
This was bad, I guess I'll be a fag and use the term "cute", but def. not the usual Juan funny as hell type article... have u ever wrote an article that didn't involve a Madden referrence??
D Nutz
Only if
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Posted: 6/14/2006 1:49:56 AM
The man(little bitch) with the most punchable face in the NFL would kill himself in some fiery ego-charged excite bike crash. I'd crap runny white castle foam shit on his grave.
Big Ben
Oh C'Mon!
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Posted: 6/14/2006 2:59:30 AM
It was topical! Perfect! We almost lost me... stud super bowl QB doesn't wear helmet, doesn't learn lessons of other stud NFL prospects, crashes bike, almost dies... I thought it was great.
deuce
fucking awesome
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Posted: 6/14/2006 6:50:45 AM
what is it about the AFC north?? at least hammerhead won a superbowl first...
antony
fuck towens
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Posted: 6/14/2006 9:49:31 AM
Juan you are comedic genuis...fuck that adwriter guy...no article on the assholiness of terrel owens could ever be a bad read. here's an idea, let's all take a collection offering up to buy him a bike...i got dibs on the brake fluid!
MisterOrange
multiple tricks from Excitebike
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Posted: 6/14/2006 9:49:43 AM
Awesome. Excitebike and Madden - what more could a man want?.
Ben Rothlisberger
Thith ithn't funny athhole
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Posted: 6/14/2006 9:55:03 AM
Now hand me a thtraw tho I can drink my breakfath
Patrick M
funny
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Posted: 6/14/2006 10:34:58 AM
But I'm mad because this isn't real. I'm left with hope that Brian Dawkins will decapitate him this season.
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