Sex and drugs have more in common that just being two of the great pleasures in life. In a cruel, Faustian way, neither one is ever quite as exciting as the first time. This leaves us in a constant search for stronger, more seductive, deviant, but most importantly different sex. Just like some people chase that high from the first hit on a poorly rolled joint in a junior high bathroom all the way to burning their lips on a soot-filled light bulb crack pipe, we're all searching for a sexual experience that will make our heart race like that first time the sweaty palms of a nervous 7th grade cheerleader awkwardly griped our rock-hard, virgin manhood in the basement during a friend's 13th birthday party. It's like an endless, x-rated episode of "The Fugitive" starring your meatwhistle as Dr. Richard Kimble.

But once you've raced through the Kama Sutra, where do you go for ideas? Porn? Maybe for a little while, but unless you never want to be able to look your girl in the eyes again, there are only so many porn movies you can copy. Plus with porn, there is always the risk of mood-ruining shots of the man's grimacing face or the dreaded rear undercarriage shot. I'll never understand why anyone would want to see some dude's hairy brown eye and swinging balls. The only way that shot is ever good is if you are watching the main character from Punch-Out! fuck.

But that's why we are here- to help. We present to you, The Phat Phree's 50 All New Sex Maneuvers:

The Slinky Start at the top of the stairs in the 69 position, and then slowly topple end over end down the stairs with each other's junk crammed in your mouths. Bonus points for humming the Slinky jingle.

The Rearing Unicorn Start in the classic doggy position. When you're ready to spit seed, dismount and leap onto your girl's head. Shoot for distance as she rears up. Bonus points if you are banging a horse face.

The Bill Bixby Have sex to any of the eight episodes of "Blossom" that Bixby directed (My favorite is "All Dressed Up".), then when you are finished, exit the room to the closing theme of "The Incredible Hulk." Bonus points for looking back longingly over your shoulder as you walk away.

The Blue Thunder Prop your girl's haunches up in the air against a couch or chair. Mount her from above and attempt to spin around with your arms and legs straight out as she supports your weight.

The Coldsmith-Briggs III Same as The Blue Thunder except you wear an eye patch.

The Japanese Businessman Get your girlfriend to dress up like a schoolgirl and kick you in the apple bag until you pass out. Bonus points if you do group calisthenics before you start.

The Scarlett Tattoo Talk your girl into getting life-size Scarlett Johansson spread-eagle and naked tattooed on her back. If you can't talk her into that, see if she'll at least get a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend's face on her back.

The Tony Romo Have your girl leap across the room into your arms and then carelessly let her slip and smash her head on the coffee table. Then pick her up, take a shit all over the floor, and drop her head first onto the carpet while you flail around like a complete pussy. Then go fuck an entire city. Bonus points if you have the nerve to attend the Pro Bowl afterwards.

The Angry Monkeys Line up on opposite sides of the room and throw feces at each other.

The Inconsiderate Driver When having sex from behind, you "change lanes" without signaling.