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We've got two Ultimate 11s today. Jim and Rick got theirs in late, so I wrote one real quick just to make sure we had one for today. Now we have two. Lucky for you.
In honor of Fisher Price's recall of 83 toys due to their paint containing too much lead ("Boo-fuckin-hoo. I can't feel my hands after I play with Elmo, and I want to fight you even though all my joints ache."), we take a look at the Ultimate 11 Most Dangerous Gifts for Kids. This isn't a list of the most dangerous toys of all-time. That list has already been done, and frankly, if your kids can't survive a game of lawn jarts, perhaps it's better they don't breed.
11. A Bicycle
If you really want your kid to fuck himself up, you don't need lead paint. Just get him a bike. Once you take the training wheels off, it's a matter of days before little Johnny is jumping over ditches, creeks, other kids, or a gas fueled bonfire. When you find him building a ramp out of some rotten plywood he found in woods, it won't be long before you're taking a trip to the emergency room. Especially if little Johnny is a girl…
10. A McDonald's Birthday Party
Nothing says, "I don't love you that much" like a McDonald's birthday party. It's also a great way to teach your kids to treat food as way to reward themselves. When you factor in the therapy and insulin shots your fat, miserable teenager will need, Micky D's doesn't seem like such a bargain.
9. A Magic Set
(Don't watch all of this. You get the picture after about 30 seconds.)
Most kids grow out of this kind of bullshit early on, but why risk it. What if your kid decides he loves magic? What if his fascination transforms into a love of Tolkien and Dungeons and Dragons? Then he decides he wants to be like Criss Angel, and you have to figure out a way to dispose of an 10-year-old's corpse. Nothing good can come from a magic set.
8. A Sparkler
I know, a sparkler seems pretty innocuous, but it's not. Sparklers are the gateway to fireworks, and we all know that fireworks bring out the hillbilly in you. If you think back to the dumbest thing you've ever done, I guarantee that one of four things was involved: your penis, a car, gasoline, or fireworks. Just watch these idiots blow up their kitchen…
Posts: 1049 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 8/2/2007 10:17:37 AM
But you seem to have ommitted balloons. Whats wrong with balloons you ask? Imagine a very small very, annoying child constantly bouncing a ball up in the air in front of you, having the balloon bounced repeatedly of your body, and hearing the sound of fingers being scraped across a balloon for hours on end. Balloons are the devils plaything. Dont believe me? Next time you go to someones house who has children take a bag of balloons. If you can make it more than 20 minutes without grabbing one of the balloons out of the air and popping it right in front of the kids face before you lose your mind you are a stronger man than I am.
Posts: 1913 Rank: 6 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 8/2/2007 10:24:35 AM
Any toy that makes loud electronic sounds. Just like TMAN's balloon annoyance, the repetative mantra of Buzz Lightyear proclaiming his motto "To infinity and BEYOND" for an entire afternoon is enough to make you go all Chris Benoit on your little sperm spawn.
so I like to torture those stupid enough to have kids by getting the kids the most obnoxious toy possible. My all time favorites include, a casio keyboard - to a six year old, who merely put on the background tempo and mashed keys; the "bop it" - if you don't know what this is you're lucky; and most recently the dance pad things for dance dance revolution, so my sister can be annoyed in her own living room without the trouble of traveling to an arcade.
A child will make anything, no matter how innoucuous it seems, so annoying that you want to throw it out the window (child, toy or both).
Posts: 1517 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/2/2007 2:47:54 PM
Sadly, I now what that is.
That German kid was amazing,
The worst gift to give: A really nice car. Giving a 16-year-old a really nice car is like giving $200 to a crakhead. It'll be gone within a week and it won't be used for what it should be used for. He's going to drink in it, smoke in it, fuck in it, run over trash cans and leaf piles in it and tehn probably crash it. This is in-fucking-evitable, so your better off if it doesn't happen with a nice car. If yo know the kid's goiung to fuck it up why don't yo get him a Volvo stationwagon and not the BMW M3, ok? Greeeaaattt.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 8/2/2007 7:11:09 PM
ze germans are obviously in early preparation for another try at worldwide stardom. do your part to start saving Jews now- boycott sourkraut and bukkake porn.
Posts: 1 Rank: 384 Joined:
8/8/2007
Location:
Boston, MA
Posted: 8/8/2007 5:47:02 AM
The two types of toys that I find annoying as hell are anything Dora-related and Elmo-related. Here's my solution to teen pregnancy - force the kids in the sex-ed classes to listen to a recording of a kid chanting the same five words to the Dora (or Elmo) theme song over and over (because that's all they can remember) for a couple of hours.
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