Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Don't Patronize Me! See?!
The other day I was dominating in tetherball against this retarded kid with no fingers and I thought to myself, "You know what? I'm a pretty nice guy to be out here in the heat like this." Then I thought, "Well shit. I do a lot of nice things basically all the time!" It's true really. I'm like a ray of goddamned sunshine and I'm not even talking about just to mongoloids or whatever. I'm pretty nice to real people too! Then I thought, "How is my life not better? Should I move the tetherball pole to the front yard so more attractive women can see the good deed I'm doing?" Then I dared the retarded kid to chew up the tether ball because I needed some "me time" to think on it.
To say that I connect on all cylinders in every aspect of my life is a gross understatement. I'm a hard worker, a solid citizen, and a social butterfly. But more like a wingless butterfly who has a real, human head instead of that little insect pea-head and who also has shiny, slicked-back hair, wears expensive velvet suits, and does a lot of cocaine.
I'm an alpha male thanks in large to my steadfast belief that men have an obligation to lead. I speak incredibly loud and have little tolerance for laziness. If I'm sitting in a restaurant and my order isn't taken within the first ten minutes, I'll march right up to the manager and yell at him. If he says something about how at this restaurant you're supposed to order at the front, I'll laugh in his stupid teenaged face and tell him what an idiotic idea that is. Then I will say that I have a lot of friends and I will tell all of them not to eat at this "McDougal's" place and then good luck staying in business after a few months of that. "It's McDonald's Sir," he might say to which I'll reply that I know how to fucking read. As I drive away from the restaurant, I'll try to flex my muscles by squeezing the steering wheel in hopes that the other passengers will notice and momentarily cease losing respect for me.
Stupid Mom & Pop Operations
A wise man once said that parties are not parties until I show up. How do I know? Hint: I am that wise man. Though I'm known to cut loose, I seldom relax entirely. My hectic schedule won't allow for it. When I party, I party. Hard. I simply don't have time to wait around for formalities like "finding out whose birthday it is" or "realizing that I'm not at the right house." If I see cake, I'm going to dig in and I'm going to eat as much of it as I can until some guy I've never met before, but everyone is calling "Dad," beats me into unconsciousness. Hours later, I'll marvel at my perseverance as I demonstrate to a new group of friends this trick where I reach one of my handcuffed palms into my pocket and pull out some cake that I put there when "Dad" thought I was knocked out.
If my fun-loving attitude was tangible
Assuming a night spent alone in my study drinking and calling ex-girlfriends to tell them about the "new me" until they hang up counts as a date, then yes. I suppose I'm a bit of a man about town. I'm also a religious man and in my opinion, there's no better place for religion than in the bedroom. Because of this, I choose to let the act of intercourse make me feel incredibly guilty so ladies, if we do go on a date please forgive me in advance for whispering things like, "I'll see you in hell" while I awkwardly make love to your inner-thigh because I missed your vagina.
My relationships with women aren't necessarily all about sex. Being the incredibly old-fashioned guy that I am, I enjoy a traditional date. To me, there is nothing more romantic than riding around town at night in a horse-drawn buggy. Meandering along the rain-slicked cobblestone streets as if we have all the time in the world and really we do thanks to my not having a job. You'll spot a deer and squeal with delight and later I'll scream in fear as I point out a car that I think is a demon because I'm too old-fashioned to understand it. When you tell me that it's a car, I'll accuse you of being out to get me and then we'll get into a heated argument. "Fine. I'll stop acting like an old-timey guy," I'll lie, hoping that you don't notice that I'm still wearing a monocle. The ride will continue on in silence except for when I ask our driver to take us over to the docks where I will inquire about the next expected shipment of slave labor. As the dock workers beat me senseless, you'll ask the driver to continue on, all the while wondering if I could've been any more disappointing. That question will soon be answered when the buggy driver informs you in front of your home that I haven't paid for the ride yet.
While it's true that I'm a bit of a traditionalist, I'm also not opposed to purposely break tradition. For instance, You go left, I go right. You go up, I go down. You look under the stall door to see if someone is in there, I look over it. And if someone is indeed in there I'll ask him if he doesn't mind scooting over a little. Regardless of how I do things, I know that I do them better of most of the assholes I'm surrounded by. Perhaps I don't deserve the best in life, but I deserve better. At the very least, I deserve to have the people around me feel like they deserve worse. Why? Because I'm a fucking good person. That's why.
Posts: 1938 Rank: 8 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
The Wash, DC
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:57:34 AM
"...so ladies, if we do go on a date please forgive me in advance for whispering things like, "I'll see you in hell" while I awkwardly make love to your inner-thigh because I missed your vagina."
Vintage Oatmeal. I hope everyone has seen his seminal work on Break: Stuck in an Elevator…with Diarrhea. Pure genius.
Posts: 5210 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:03:22 PM
I feel the same way about my life. I definitely deserve a better life. I hold doors open for people and wait for people to catch up to the elevator before hitting my button (ha!). so in light of this, I should have better luck. I even say god bless you after a sneeze.
and as some of you know, I spent half my weekend cleaning up puke, so I definitely deserve a better life.
Posts: 2654 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/28/2006
Location:
Bedford Falls, PA
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:14:30 PM
It's nice to read something written by a gentlemen. Thanks for another peak into your warped mind. I know for a fact that I've nailed the shit out of some upper inner thigh, from behind. It's pretty sweet until they wake up.
Posts: 4101 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:20:53 PM
Dear Tom, I wrote but you still aint callin I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got em There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot em But anyways; fuck it, whats been up? man hows your daughter? My wife's pregnant too, Im bout to be a father If I have a daughter, guess what ima call her? I'ma name her Cinnabonnie I read about your uncle ronnie too Im sorry I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didnt want him I know you probably hear this everyday, but Im your biggest fan I even got the underground shit that you did with Schek I got a room full of your posters and your pictures, dick. I like the shit you did with DeMarco too, that shit was fat Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan This is Spartan
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
