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Hi. Sometimes we can learn valuable lessons from ancient warriors. Also, sometimes we can’t. I think that’s all I needed to tell you to prepare you for how to get angry about warriors who teach us nothing. Here are five of the worst historical warriors. The only cool thing to study about these idiots is why they suck so bad.
#1. Colonial Soldiers
There are several great reasons to hate these pricks. First off, they’re liars. Example? How about that asshole that tells you how the weapons meeting was not at 8 PM (when you arrived), but at 7 PM and you are therefore “out of luck” because all of the muskets are gone? He’s lying! Secondly, colonial soldiers aren’t practical. An example of this is how that moron who, knowing you’re still angry about not getting a musket, suggests that you just play a drum and march in front of the guys who do have muskets. Wow! What a wonderful solution! Instead of having a gun in hand while we sneak up on armed enemies, let me just please have something that is louder than a gun, but far less dangerous. That’s a great idea! I’m almost embarrassed at how upset I got over the whole debacle…you fucking idiot! Third, colonial soldiers have no shame. For instance, after you barely survive a battle because you lucked out by gouging out the enemy’s eye with a drumstick before he could stab you with his bayonet, chances are you are going to want to relax by the fire and think about shit. Once you get by the fire, it kicks ass to have a drum because it can help you chill out. Well, at least until a group of soldiers with muskets start telling you how they think you’re being selfish by refusing to pass the drum around so everyone can have a chance to jam out. That kind of thing will just drive you crazy because hmmmm…I don’t think so!
#2. Vikings
arrogant asshole
Don’t you think it’s kind of shitty for one Viking to call another Viking “gay” just because the second Viking thinks it might be a better idea to pillage first and then rape? I think so, but that’s how Vikings are: closed-minded assholes. I’m so fucking sorry if I’m trying to think about the big picture here. Do you honestly think we’re going to be motivated to steal valuables after a ferocious bout of non consensual sex? No! I assure you, we’re going to want to sleep. Vikings suck because they are so fucking dumb. They existed before even minor advances were made in education so their behavior was always impulsive and inappropriate. The worst part about joining a band of Vikings after traveling in time is the realization that these idiots don’t want to learn anything. Plus, after they shoot down your idea to pillage first and then rape, Vikings will act all tired and annoyed when it’s time to pillage. Then the assholes will just lie around smoking after the big village rape and make fun of you for being uptight as you try single-handedly to pillage the town. Without the participation of experienced Vikings, it’s difficult to be constructive because you want to impress the group, but you try to remember; does “pillage” just mean steal or do I break things too? Should I take these copper coins or this glass vase? How in the hell should I know? I’m from 1989 for God’s sakes! #3. Dinosaur Warriors
I hate dinosaur warriors so much because, like Vikings, these people are just so stupid. In case your fifth grade history is rusty, dinosaur warriors are a mix of cavemen and barbarians. Instead of banding together to do something constructive like forming a universal language, these assholes decided it would be better to fight dinosaurs with a mix of crude weaponry and poor strategy. Dinosaur warriors get so excited when they manage to create a hatchet by attaching a sharp rock to a piece of wood. Wow, neat-fucking-o you idiot! Now do you want to keep wasting time making cumbersome weapons or are you ready to help the rest of us dig this giant dinosaur-fire pit? Most nights, you don’t kill a dinosaur, which means at the campfire there’s nothing to fail at communicating about. Since you’re from the 1980’s, you want to show the group (especially the barbarians) how if you fart on the fire, it makes it flare up. Of course, you end up not showing them this because they’ll freak out by how difficult it is to understand and then they’ll stay up all night in a state of panic. Sometimes, they’ll try to kill you. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but if you’re hunting dinosaurs, the most important thing is to make sure everyone is well rested.
#4. Biblical Fighters
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Even Priests, Ministers, and Doctors will tell you that being a biblical fighter probably sucked huge balls. It sucked even worse to have to fight on the team under Moses because of his huge ego. Moses would say every battle was a direct order from God, which was believable until he started telling his minions that even some minor things were “orders from God.” He might find you and say, “Hey man, God wants you to wash my feet in this basin of water.” On the one hand you don’t want to piss off God, but on the other you don’t want to wash some dude’s gross-ass feet. Finally, you decide to wash his feet since your mind isn’t advanced enough to understand how to tell if someone is fucking with you. Sure enough, while you’re washing his feet, Moses kicks a whole bunch of water up in your face and starts laughing hysterically as he tells you how God has ordered you not to beat the shit out of him. Another bad thing about most biblical fighters is their inability to laugh at themselves. Take Moses for example. Instead of just admitting that it was a clever idea for you to dress up like a golden statue and then wake him up to tell him how you ate God and are going to eat him for not worshipping you, Moses has you stoned to death.
#5. Future cop
If you are unfrozen from your cryogenic prison because you’re an old fashioned cop and there is an old fashioned criminal on the loose, the last thing you want is to be disappointed by how the future is. It totally sucks to discover that cops have turned into huge bitches and have completely banned weapons and swearing, but whatever. That’s fine I guess. It also sucks to discover that in the future, the act of sex has been replaced by some virtual-reality game. That’s pretty awful, but not totally because I’m sure there is a way around it. However, to wake up in the year 2032 to discover…ROB SCHNEIDER?! That is just fucking unacceptable. It’s very possible he could still be alive, but there is no way he could be youthful and energetic enough to work for the LAPD. The realization of how little humankind has progressed would make it nearly impossible to focus on the case. Also, if Rob Schneider does that exhausted, “makin’ some copies” routine again while I’m trying to look at these maps of the city, I’m going to shoot him in front of everyone.
Rob Schneider is a massive CuntPig with hair like Borat.
Balls
A Beautiful Mind
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Posted: 11/27/2006 9:02:00 AM
I envy the person that is able to conjur up something as random and pointless as this article. Understand that I hold "random and pintless" in the highest regard when it comes to TPP articles. Keep it up.
Burt Thaxton
HOT STEAMING
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Posted: 11/27/2006 11:57:31 AM
OATMEAL?
I'LL TAKE SOME.
- Burt Thaxton
PapSmear
HIlarious
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Posted: 11/27/2006 12:21:03 PM
This is fantastic. How is it rated so low?
SHEHE
This article was
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Posted: 11/27/2006 12:22:44 PM
THIS ARTICLE WAS SERIOUSLY GAY, AND THIS IS COMING FROM A TRANNY
oatmeal-o-rama
That Was The Oatshit
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Posted: 11/27/2006 12:49:02 PM
Indeed Mr. Balls, "pointless and random". Fantastically lumpy. Fine oatmeal style. I give it "Five Moses' Abusing their Authority".
Christine
I think the best part
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Posted: 11/27/2006 1:57:53 PM
Is that he opened with: Hi. That's fucking hysterical. I never thought I'd say this, but I fucking love Oatmeal!
Eugene
This was fucking great
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Posted: 11/27/2006 3:06:47 PM
Best line:
"An example of this is how that moron who, knowing you’re still angry about not getting a musket, suggests that you just play a drum and march in front of the guys who do have muskets"
Grade: A
Carl Everett
Liar
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Posted: 11/27/2006 4:22:36 PM
Not only didn't dinosaurs exist when humans did, dinosaurs didn't exist at all.
Even I am smart enough to hate Rob Schneider, though. He's a no talent assclown, just like Nomar.
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