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Not in the movie!
Hi there. I wrote a movie that is really good and I just need a few investors to help me get this thing off the ground. If you're ready to get involved with a great project that will score big at the box office and challenge the audience's way of thinking, shoot me an email and I'll tell you where to send the check. If you're still not sure, here are seven reasons why investing in my film is the best financial move you can make:
Reason #1: There is this scene where a deer emerges from the woods and walks into a schoolhouse. He makes his way to a classroom and enters. Everyone is screaming because this deer is stressed out by human contact. The screams only make the deer go crazier and pretty soon he's covered in glue and eventually glitter. This scene is sad, but why? One half of the audience will say that what makes it sad is the violence and destruction. The other half of the audience will disagree, believing that the saddest thing about a deer in a classroom is that he probably isn't there to learn. However, they're both wrong. The saddest thing is this: The "deer" is really a homeless man.
Reason #2: There is a scene that is extremely heartwarming due to its honesty. A junkie lies on the ground covered in band-aids and it's really depressing because most of the band aids aren't even out of the wrapper and you're thinking, "Man, they're just not going to work like that." A man walks by and the junkie grabs his ankle and whispers, "Help me." The man shakes the junkie off of him and says, "It's not my job to help you." Later we see the man hard at work in a factory putting lids on mouthwash bottles and we realize that he wasn't lying to the junkie about what his job was.
Reason #3: This movie makes you understand what fear is without overdoing it. In one scene, there is a dinosaur just lying there by a pond. A strategically placed thought bubble will reveal that the dinosaur is thinking about something harmless like the possibility of eating a coconut later. In the audience, you're thinking, "Fuck this, I thought dinosaurs were supposed to be ferocious." As you turn to make a joke to the person next to you, you realize that a dinosaur is seated there (He snuck in!). Even though he appears to be there to watch the film, his presence is menacing. It's scary as hell and you're reminded of how unpredictable dinosaurs are and that will conjure up feelings of vulnerability that most dinosaur movies are unable to create.
Reason #4: Unlike other movies, my movie is touching and it will make you cry. In this one really sad scene, an old woman is on her deathbed. A sad song plays in the background (Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio), which makes everyone cry. The old woman motions for her caretaker to lean in so she can hear her last words, which are a message to her son. The sad music plays louder. In fact, it is so loud; the caretaker cannot hear the old woman's dying wish. Later, when the son shows up and asks the caretaker what his mother's dying words were, the caretaker just hums the sad song. The son, now skeptical, says, "I doubt she said that." In the audience, you're confused because you know you feel sorry for someone, but whom? Finally, you just decide to keep feeling sorry for yourself because it's easy and that is the ultimate form of sadness because we were expecting that of you.
Reason #5: If you like tension, my movie has a scene that is as tense as it gets. There is this serial killer who is killing dogs and then setting it up to look like a suicide, just like in the book, Old Yeller. One evening, the man decides to read Old Yeller again because he has time. Upon realizing that the dog in Old Yeller didn't commit suicide, but was murdered, the man is angry and embarrassed. The scene gets really intense as the man guzzles alcohol and starts doing standard, drunken-rage types of things like calling old girlfriends and raping furniture. The audience is on the edge of their seat as the man tries to decide whether he should keep killing dogs the old way or just shoot them, which would be truer to the Old Yeller theme. Finally, the man decides to take a job in sales.
Reason #6: Unlike most movies, this masterpiece is totally unpredictable. As the audience watches, they begin to realize that the film is nothing like the trailer. For one, Tom Hanks is not in it and that scene where a man yanks a bolt of lightning out of the sky and uses it as a whip is nowhere to be found. When the film is over, most of the audience will be surprised by the twist at the end. If some audience members aren't surprised, don't worry. They will be when they walk out the exit to discover the theater is really a truck that has been driving them away from the parking lot since the movie started.
Reason #7: My movie introduces new levels of action and suspense. There is one scene where this man is being chased by these agents because he has a briefcase with a disk in it. The agents catch up to the man and kick him in the ribs, causing him to drop the briefcase. One of the agents open the briefcase to reveal... it's empty! The agents are convinced they have the wrong guy and they run away. We notice the man is smiling and we think "Who smiles after getting kicked in the ribs?" We soon find out: The briefcase is the disk! The man goes into this warehouse and puts the disk into a large, briefcase-sized disk drive attached to a giant computer. On the one hand, the audience is relieved that the man is safe, but on the other hand we're worried because if the computer is that large, then does that mean the keyboard is also large? If so, how will the man be able to type anything? While we're thinking this, the man plugs a regular-sized keyboard into the large computer and begins to type. The audience is relieved and will probably sigh/applaud. However, as the camera zooms out we notice the man is sitting in a gigantic chair. "Is this okay?" we wonder. Yes. It's fine.
Posts: 368 Rank: 22 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 4/17/2007 9:55:28 AM
sucked. Even the Turlington piece this morning wasn't that good, except for the Clyde icon. What's going on here? Is this punishment for last week's racism?
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/17/2007 10:59:34 AM
because i gave this a 5! it was like a huge string of "hit or miss" non sequitur jokes and for some reason, about 1/3 of them hit for me. you fucking rock oatmeal. i love you in the ass. everyone, strip down and give me 10 laps around the pool. after that, hit the showers and soap your asses vigorously, because i can promise you, it's gonna be a rough afternoon.
I feel sorry for the close-minded "readers" that dogged this piece, and I'm kinda pissed that I held off reading this due to its low rating. Fuck that shit, this was tight, non-sensical and made me want to rub paste all over my face ms. lippy style.
ps. I knew the deer was a homeless man the whole time.
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