As you drive down the road of life, are you sending people the wrong message? When you think youre saying, Hey, Im cool! are you actually saying, Hey, Im clueless!? Is your chick magnet drawing Queer Eyes? Should you just as well have an Easy Lay bumper sticker? Consult our easy-to-follow guide to car categories, and youll know what your car is screaming to everyone.
"I Own the Road" (example: Cadillac, Lincoln Towncar) People who buy these cars are quite certain that they got the deed to every interstate and county lane in the country along with their title. These people have saved up for years, and can finally afford a car that says Hey, Im driving a Caddy, those little yellow lines dont apply to me! or This is a Continental ragtop I can make a left turn from whatever damn lane I want! Avoid people driving these cars at all costs.
"Mid-Life Crisis" (ex: Corvette, BMW Z3, Honda S2000) Youre not fooling anyone. We all know that the baseball cap perched atop your head covers a hairline receding faster than your credit rating. You drive your money sucker back to your bachelor pad apartment, which is an efficiency thats all you can afford after your car payment, insurance, gas money, alimony, and child support. Your girlfriend doesnt actually look like shes 18, shes just dressed that way, and it doesnt hide the fact that her wrinkled boobs are dangling to her kneecaps. Give it upjust, give it up.
"Small Penis" (ex: Hummer, Exploder, Navigator) Congratulations, you can run over my car. Im sure that your off-road capabilities are going to come in mighty handy when you roll over that toddler on the tricycle as you back out of your driveway. If your car accidentally DID hit a rock, youd have it in the car wash faster than you can say global warming. Were all impressed. No, really, we are.
"Cute Chick" (ex: VW Jetta, VW Passat, VW Cabriolet) Every guy knows that as you approach the Cute Chick car, you get ready for the peek to the right, because chances are its some tight little sorority chick whos daddy bought her the cutest little car. There are caveats, however: the Cute Chick is often driven by an impersonator. Much as the cute hair from behind turns into a brown bag on the pass, a Cute Chick morphs into Fat Chick in nothing flat.
"Middle Aged Lady" (ex: CRV, RAV4, VW Bug) Often what becomes of Cute Chick car drivers 20 years later. Theyve got the kids, but they still want something cute, so they get one of these. While occasionally the territory of MILFs, more often just a washed up 46-year old.
"Frat Boy" (ex: Jeep Wrangler) You dont need to be in a frat, or be college-aged, to be a frat boy, you just need one of these. Correct accessories: backwards baseball cap, overpriced Ray-Bans, khaki shorts, flip-flops, Dave Matthews blaring.
"Poor As Shit" (ex: '78 Cutlass Supreme with temp tags) The flip side of the I Own the Road, but equally dangerous. When the windows are plastic and held on with duct tape, the doors dont match, and the mufflers sending up sparks as it drags along the ground, this person really isnt going to care what happens to the car. Theres a good reason there are ALWAYS dents in all four quarter panels: they dont look when turning or changing lanes at any time. Ever.
"Family" (ex: any minivan) You must be careful with this one. There are two types who may be driving it. The first is the mom who doesnt give two shits about being cool. The cars comfortable, it has a DVD player for the kids, the door opens automatically, its perfect. Firm believer that the speed limit is just that, a limit, and that turn signals should be turned on four miles before the turn.
On the flip side, though, is the Dad who gave in on this because it wasnt worth the fight, but he hasnt given up his pre-family driving ways. This minivan probably has the unfortunate sport stripe on the side, and youll see him zigging and zagging through traffic like hes still got his Datsun Z from college. Be very careful with this guyhell soon go over the edge into a Midlife Crisis, but first hes gonna take out a couple innocent bystanders.
Just throw a door on there
"Pretentious Cocksucker" (ex: BMW, Porsche, Lexus) Congratulations, asshole. You make a shitload of money selling your soul. Were all really proud of you, your mistress, and the kids you never see. Also, were very impressed by your ability to weave in and out of six lanes of traffic, all while leaning on your horn and not using your turn signal, to make up three car lengths in stop and go traffic. Enjoy your leather.
"Preppy Jerk" (ex: Saab, Audi) Relative of the Pretentious Cocksucker, but not quite as pretentious, or as much of a cocksucker. Driver is still wearing docksiders and a pink sweater tied around his or her neck. Not as aggressive as the Cocksucker, but just as likely to be abusive to a valet.
"Old Money" (ex: Mercedes Benz, Jaguar) These drivers look down on the Pretentious Cocksuckers as young bubble-riders who will soon be back in the boiler rooms from whence they came. Theyre perfectly content to roll along in classic luxury, classical music station playing softly, letting their brokers calls roll into voice mail. Just dont ever, EVER, scratch the paint job.
"Young and Boring" (ex: Corolla, Civic, Saturn) Just out of college, solid job but nothing huge, got something with good gas mileage, dependable. Has recent alma mater sticker on back windshield. Yawn.
"Old and Boring" (ex: Camry, Accord) Proud of their child who recently graduated from the college on the back windshield and just bought a Boring Young car. Yawn.
"Boring but Can't Afford Good Boring" (ex: Hyundai, Kia) Really wanted to get a Corolla or an Accord, butbutits $3,000 less! And it has a ten year/ ten thousand mile warranty! Theyve really worked hard to make them more dependable! No, really!
"White Trash" (ex: Sunfire, Alero, Cavalier, Grand Prix, Grand Am, Grand anything) Ladies, if youre driving this car, what it says about you is best summarized here . Guys, I know you think its cool to be cruising the strip, showing off your sports striping, your neon, your kickin system, but its not. No, really, it isnt. Yes, youre getting laid by the ladies driving the similar cars, but what does that really say, huh?
Tough Guy (ex: Big pick em up truck) These are guys who actually take their trucks off road, who actually use them to haul things. The more dirt on this truck, the more genuine. CAUTION: if its too damn shiny, and the guys wearing sunglasses that are way too expensive, probably a Pretentious Cocksucker in disguise.
Yeah, it's a Grand Prix
Wannabe Tough Guy (ex: small pick em up truck) Good try, Larry. Your friends will call you to move that desk, but youre basically saddled with a truck that cant really DO anything, and doesnt have enough room for more than one passenger. But hey, its teal, right?
Working Man (ex: panel truck, any van with ladders on top) Watch out for these guys! They cannot see you because of the miscellaneous crap piled in the back of the truck, or because their van has no windows. They also dont give a crap, because its an 82 that belongs to the boss. Give them loads of room, or zip past them as fast as you can, because they will change lanes without looking, drop debris like theyre playing Spy Hunter, and quite possibly screech to a stop in the middle of the highway because there was a perfectly good hubcap back there!
For more information on what your car accessories are telling the world, click here.
Missed some Posted: 3/14/2006by: Shadow Amusing. I'm not sure where I fit in though. I drive all kinds of work trucks. Yes, some people need a truck with 4 tires on the rear axle to do actual work, like build the roads you pretentious assholes drive on :) I have 7 cars at the moment, one falls into the white trash category (cavalier) but it was weak and flabby so I killed it. I have 2 Cadillacs but neither fit: one is a 72 coupe that weighs nearly 7000lbs and can outrun a new mustang GT, the other is a smaller midsize 92 that combines handling with power as only Cadillac can. Two Volvos, one 83 workhorse, one 87 turbo purely for terrorising Civics (fun shit that). And one old highway patrol car with tinted windows. I have a front plate on the old caddy, skull and crossbones, and a sticker on the back that reads "I hear voices and they don't like you." Nothing on the other cars. I'm one of the most polite drivers on the road, unless you cut me off and laugh, then I'm the one that ducks around you on the shoulder and returns the favor. I'm also the one with police issue ram bumpers. Acting a fool around me, wether I'm directly involved or not, is ill advised, because I will be shortly. Sorry, but I spent enough time in the tow business to get sick of watching bodies being pulled out of twisted wrecks just because someone did something stupid. Ha Ha Posted: 12/30/2005by: Focker Really fucking hilarious until you get to the one you drive. Nice piece. PS so glad you guys did a recap, i missed half of these articles. Thanks dad Posted: 8/9/2005by: what about you Man, good thing asshats like you are here to Dr. Phil us emotional types that need approval. Check sracasam or just plain crappy post, like yours. You suck, go father your illegitimate children instead of idiots that post on this site. What about me? Posted: 6/2/2005by: What's Wrong with You What is wrong with these people that must have some sort of validation about the car they drive? First, no one else cares what kind of car you drive. Second, no one else cares about your personal estimation of your own driving. Third, no one else cares about your personal estimation of you own self-worth. If you asked within the context of a comment what your car says about you, it says that you are completely dependent on others' approval, regardless of make and model. Consultant Posted: 5/27/2005by: Bill "A Legend" Carli Outstanding Work. Love it. How bout a shout to those losers that try to dress up a mini van with a Harley Sticker with flames?? Love the dudes with substitute front license plate replaced with something totally hip, like a confederate flag, "don't mess with Texas! (where is Texas anyway?) Also love the 8,000 spinner 22" rims on a 5,000 dollar Ford "Rollover" Explorer
Then there is just plain cool. Black Dodge Magnum, lowered, riding "stealth' because anything that refers to Dodge has been removed, just one Harley Sticker, exhaust system reworked to produce over 400 hp. Personalized plate that says "Whacked" because life is "Whacked!!!"
Total "Cop Magnet!"
Still have most of my hair .......no comb over yet.........See you in my rear view mirror.
Grow up... Posted: 5/24/2005by: Stacy Why such an ass? Bad day? Did someone finally tell you we aren't in the '80s anymore, Mr. Radical? Or, do you attack everyone who posts comments on the "Comment Board"?
Note to Rad Man: Your signature line somewhat conflicts with the comment you made about driving like an ass, you may want to check on that. ;-) Seriously... Posted: 5/24/2005by: J-Radical Trying to over justify the fact that you're not clearly one of those types just makes you look worse. Being a girl doesn't exclude you. You're still a young self obsessed frat-'girl' it just means that instead of driving like an ass because you've got aggression issues, you're driving like a moron because you really need to use your rearview mirror to make sure that your makeup looks the same as it did when you checked it 15 seconds ago and you have your cellphone glued to your head like it feeds out life-giving oxygen. you're lame deal with it. and 'having the full off road package" and knowing how to use it doesn't mean that you actually DO use it. that's like saying you have an old 8 track tape player and you know how to use it. Wanna do us all a favor, and stop being lame? Buy a bus pass.
sincerely,
The guy who laughs and cuts you off when you try to merge when your lane isn't moving fast enough. Jeep Girl Posted: 5/23/2005by: Stacy So, I'm a cute chick who loves my Jeep Liberty, but my daddy didn't buy it for me. I'm not boring, (have the full off road package, and know how to use it), though not a redneck, not middle aged (only 21), and have no kids. The only Jeep I see on your list is for the "Frat Boy", which I obviously can't be, since I'm a female and all. Also, the only stickers I have are of the mud flap bikini girl wearing a full-face MTB Helmet, and one that says "Got Boxers?". So, I'm left wandering, where do I fit in to all of this? Overall pretty funny Posted: 5/20/2005by: AW Although, I must admit, I drive a 2000 Firebird, and I'm definitely not white trash or a redneck... although, I do know what you mean! Mike Posted: 5/19/2005by: Cameron I think we've seen the same dude.
