Wow, everybody hates me at The Phat Phree. Here I am, thinking I’m just simply relating some Norman Rockwellesque slices of Americana, but in fact I’m only weirding you out and crossing the line to no purpose. I’ve stirred your ire and caused angry feelings. I feel awful, like I’ve let the terrorists win or, had forgone my giving a hoot about pollution. Please know, dear sirs and madams, that was not my intent. But you have been clear in your distaste for my brand of yarn spinning, and I will try to mend my ways in the future.
To the good sir who called me a “cockmouth”, I apologize. While I do not actually have a cock for a mouth nor is my mouth so full of cocks as to cause such confusion, I fully see your point and will try to rectify my “lame ass” to your satisfaction. To the gentleman who labeled me a “no pussy-getting-mother-fucker”, I will endeavor to increase my intake of pussy-getting and try to refrain from copulating with my mother. Further, because, as you have mentioned, I am not funny, I will politely explain to anyone who may inadvertently take what I have to say as funny that they are mistaken in their understanding of what I had said and really should not encourage me. To those who have taken umbrage at anything I have written in particular, let me clear a few things up.
In Third World Girls Rock, I lied when I told you that I am dating a woman named Dysenteria who is from a country called Zimbukalacrapastan. Not only do I not know a Dysenteria, I’m pretty sure there is no such place as Zumbukalacrapastan and if there was such a place, I am unable to answer whether the women there have to fight chickens for their corn.
For The Diary of Jesus? , I lied there as well. Jesus didn’t really write those things. And you know what? I’m sure there really is a Jesus who’s coming back to Earth any second now with ice cream cake for everyone.
Ok, another confession. I am not really Spider-Man. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking there.
Finally, in Only 3 Dicks Away from 10,000th Blowjob, I admit I went too far. I don’t know anything about giving oral sex to men. Boy, here I am acting like I’m so cool, bragging about all the guys I’ve done oral on, and meanwhile I’ve never even touched another man’s penis. Some big shot I am.
So I guess what I really want to say is: Can we start over again? I’ve looked around to see what may be funny to my detractors and I think I’m on to something. Just give me a shot and I’ll try to make things better.
I’m working on what I’d like to call my “formula for funny” and hopefully this should help in future endeavors. Here’s what I have so far:
1) Advance an extremely simple idea that pretends to be edgy but really offends no one (I mean no white, middle-class American men).
2) Argue that idea using obscenities.
3) Disagree vehemently with anyone who doesn’t agree with me with more obscenities.
4) Call someone gay.
5) Explain my idea using small words in case anyone got confused.
Ok, here I go (I have numbered my sentences as they refer back to the points in my “formula for funny”):
1) What’s the deal with the fucking French? 2) I mean seriously, they fucking suck. 3) Anyone disagrees, then fuck you. 4) You’re a gay fag if you do. 5) Got that, I don't like the people from France.
1) What’s the deal with Eiffel Tower? 2) It looks like some cock. 3) Anyone disagrees, then fuck you. 4) A big gay French cock. 5) I say this because it’s long and penis-shaped.
Wow, that was funny. Looks like I have a lot to work with.
Well, there you have it. I think I found my new direction in the realm of the humorous anecdote. So fuck you all you mother fucking fags and we’ll chat again soon. God bless.
