SAN JOSE – Due to the recent implementation of Internet monitoring software at tech firm Crapient Systems, 33-year old telemarketing rep Steve Adams was fired on Monday for excessive web surfing and inappropriate use of corporate resources. The monitoring software was put into place in response to the recently filed sexual harassment suit against the Crapient executive team. While the software was meant to prevent future litigation, the first employee of the tech firm to suffer the consequences was fired for the inordinate amount of time he spent on The Phat Phree (www.thephatphree.com).
In an interview with Wired, Crapient’s new CEO, Randall Taylor, explained the series of events leading up to the sacking of Adams. “After our former CEO Jim Huckreimer was removed by the board due to the sexual harassment suit filed by Assenter, I was hired to implement standard operating procedures to prevent future incidents from occurring.” He went on to tell Wired about the monitoring software that Crapient’s IT department implemented. “This software is absolutely phenomenal. Not only do I get daily reports on where our employees are spending their time, but I can also see every keystroke they make. Productivity has already jumped 67% since we first got this up and running.”
Your friendly IT guy, Mr. Omnipresent
Despite a company-wide email explaining that non-compliance with the new Internet usage policy would result in immediate termination, colleagues of Steve Adams told reporters that he brazenly defied the executive order and continued to read The Phat Phree with reckless abandon.
Reading employee emails is hard work
Although no one would go on record with a comment due to a new policy forbidding Crapient employees from speaking with the press, an anonymous source in the IT department explained Adams’ habits while reading The Phat Phree. “From looking at the logs, it was obvious that Steve was spending a good part of his day on that site. He would read that Striped Shirt article at least four times a day, and his favorite pastime was posting comments on articles to point out how the writer wasn’t funny and most likely a homo, and then make vulgar suggestions on how it could be so much funnier if he had written it.” The unnamed source also told reporters that while tracking Adams' surfing habits, he became addicted to The Phat Phree himself. "It's some pretty funny shit. I look forward to it every morning, but I really think I could do a better job with some of the articles. Don't tell anyone, though. I don't want to get fired too. Good thing I keep the backup records for our server logs!"
Adams’ manager at Crapient Systems, VP of Sales Jonathan Hansen, shook his head in disbelief when informed of the situation. “First off, let me go on record as saying that I don’t condone this sort of behavior on my team. We’re selling enterprise software here, and that requires razor sharp focus at all times. It may not be rocket science, but it’s pretty damn close to it.” When asked by reporters about his own Internet usage, Hansen’s tone dramatically changed before he cut the interview short. “Look, I don’t have time for this crap. Checking my portfolio online and catching up on some personal email is none of your damn business, comprende amigo? Now get the hell out of my office so I can close some goddamn deals.”
Attempts to reach Steve Adams at his residence were unsuccessful, but a roommate told reporters that Adams is planning a new career in stand-up comedy and sitcom writing in Hollywood.
Article Posted: 7/11/2005by: Bryan G. This article freaking sucked. I am guessing the author is a homo. Damnit, I could have done a much better fucking job writing this. Excuse me while I go to the archives and find the Striped Shirt article. Now THAT is a funny one not written by a homo. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Posted: 7/11/2005by: STEVE I can't believe how much time of your life you waste talkin shit to me, HAHAHAHAHA. Your the fuckin man! STEVE missing the point Posted: 7/11/2005by: matt STEVE,
Hey dumbass, I am sure that the article was written about you. Thus, the irony comment posted above your pathetic dictation of the inner workings of your mind (and I do use the term loosely.) Now go back to your pretend cubicle you constructed out of old refrigirator boxes in your mom's basement and pretend to have a real job. Oh and tell that bicth to bake me a cake next time I am in Pennsylvania. Blockers Posted: 7/11/2005by: CicaTriz I didn't know they posted the really critical comments. Good luck with that.
My habits have been personally responsible for getting a lot of funny sites blocked by my Company's firewall. I thank you. I read this site because my company Internet filter blocks all the really funny sites.
...I can't back that up. This site is pretty funny. I will appreciated it until they block it.
They are such Blockers. Awesome Posted: 7/11/2005by: bryan The irony here is painful
