I think we need to talk. I know it’s 5 a.m., but before I go, I just need to get this out. I’m having a real problem with one part of our relationship.
No, the fucking is great, it’s the buddy part that I’m not comfortable with.
Remember the night we met? You were at your old sorority sister’s bachelorette party. What was her name? Trish? Tisha? It doesn’t matter. Remember how we picked out songs on the jukebox together? That’s when I came over to talk to you. You wanted to play Jimmy Buffet. That was my first indication that we might be able to fuck, but we’d never become buddies. We’re just from two different worlds... hold on, let me take this condom off.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to keep fucking you on occasion. I have no complaints in that department. Well, we could do it doggy style more often, but that’s not the point. All I’m saying is, we may be a perfect fit when it comes to fucking, but we just weren’t meant to be buddies.
I guess the difference is that I would go to wedding with a buddy. You see what I mean?
That’s right, I’m not going to that wedding with you. Now if you want to call me after the reception to fuck, that would be perfectly fine.
Let me try to explain. The phone calls in the middle of the day—all you do is complain how all the nurses are bitches and the doctors won’t give you the time of day. I don’t care how stressful it is to be in pharmaceutical sales. I don’t want to go out with your bitchy friends, or go see the new Jake Gyllenhaal movie with you. I don’t want to get dinner or help you move that dresser. I’m not going to call just to see what’s up, so you shouldn't either. That’s buddy territory. And the two of us aren’t meant to be fuck buddies.
You’re just not my type, and I think you even realize that we just wouldn't work as a serious couple. I mean, you refer to me as a friend with benefits, so I know you recognize it. My problem is that I don’t really consider us friends. We should just stick to what we’re good at. Fucking, really drunk fucking.
If we were friends, maybe we’d have something to say to each other after the "benefits" portion of the evening. If we were buddies, I wouldn’t necessarily be putting on my shoes while you clean sperm off your stomach. If we were meant for anything more than fucking, I would tell you where I live. We’ve never even seen each other in daylight. That should give you some indication that we’re not all that close.
So, to make this relationship work, we’re going to have to set some new ground rules.
Just as an example, when you’re thinking about calling me, ask yourself these simple questions: Is this call an invitation for fucking? Is this call to solidify plans for fucking? Is this conversation going to lead to fucking in the near future? If the answer is yes, go ahead and call. If the answer is no, I really don’t want to hear about it.
Also, I know we see each other out at bars quite a bit, but that doesn’t mean we have to acknowledge each other until right around last call. At that point, granted that neither of us is going to be fucking someone else, it would be acceptable to exchange a few pleasantries on the way to fucking. But, if we’re in a cab, I’d rather be getting a blowjob or groping your breasts.
Another quick one: after we’re done fucking, there doesn’t need to be any interaction. I don’t want to get you a glass of water. And I’m getting up to leave, not to help you find your underwear. It’s not my fault you happen to have an incredible body and a horrible personality. I’m not sure whose fault that is; maybe MTV or your parents?
I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just being honest. One day you’ll find someone who likes Soli Orange, makeup, and being tan as much as you. Then the two of you can be the best of buddies as well as fuck. It will happen for you, don’t worry. Did you see how many guys tonight had armband tattoos? You see, there’s somebody our there that would kill to be your fuck buddy. I just want to fuck.
I hope we understand each other. I hope you know I treasure one aspect of our relationship. I just don’t want to lead you on, but I can’t be buddies with someone who only eats finger sandwiches and cock.
pretty funny! Posted: 2/1/2006by: Jon Pretty damn funny! Fuck Buddies??? Posted: 1/21/2006by: Michele Just goes to show you that some people who seem like a breath of fresh air every few months or nights can possibly intoxicate your days if you let them in. Friends with Benefits? Screw it and lets just get to the benefits, so I can leave. Led on.... Posted: 10/4/2005by: DomM So I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry you are so bothered, but I don't really understand why. We hung out 1 time before I asked you to go up there with me...I asked because I wanted to bring someone fun that would make the drive and everything else more fun and Jodie always said how much she liked you so I thought "why not?". We hung out a few times after I asked you to go with me and sure it was fun, but there really wasn't anything else to it - no "sparks", "it" just wasn't there on my part. But I thought you knew we were going there casually - it's not like we were dating or anything, we never even really talked - only when we were making plans on when to leave and stuff, we just hung out a few times casually, and from your last email you said you didn't think it was an actual, serious, "date" either so I don't get what the problem is. I'm sorry if you feel led on or didn't have a good time or whatever, but honestly there is nothing I can do about it now. I am more than happy being friends with you but I have no interest (and didn't have any interest before we went to Maine) in being anything more than friends with you. I thought you would have a good time going to Maine for a weekend, meeting new people, drinking and dancing, etc...but you looked miserable at the wedding, you kept going in the hall to talk on the phone, and Chrissy said she kept seeing you at the bar down the hall. And then later in the Old Port you just stood there looking pissed off all night - why would I want to be around you and devote a ton of attention to you when you were acting like that? I'm sorry if this is mean, but I think I just have to be completely honest with you so that you will understand where I am coming from. I brought you thinking you were a friendly, outgoing person and that I wouldn't have to entertain you, but I felt all weekend like you needed to be entertained - like you needed my 100% attention to have a good time instead of creating your own good time and I didn't want to do that and I found it very irritating but didn't want you to feel bad or to create animosity so I tried to just hide it and pretend like I wasn't annoyed but it probably showed. I just wanted to have a good time and I did that, and I am sorry for dragging you up there and that you didn't have a good time but there is nothing either of us can do about it now. I hate drama, you should know this by now after I talked about Stephen all weekend - I just like to have a good time, no worries about the little things. We hung out a few times, it was fun but I just wasn't "in" to you like that, and I probably should have told you before we drove all the way to Maine so that you wouldn't be expecting something more to come of the weekend and you could have just relaxed and had a good time...but that didn't happen and we can't change it now so let's just let it go.
I just dont want to lead you on, but I cant be buddies with someone who only eats finger sandwiches and cock Posted: 10/3/2005by: Paul That sentence should go down as one of the greatest in the history of modern literature ... DOUBLE MOLLY Posted: 9/29/2005by: B.B. i'd like to get in between both molly's and see how this works out. True Posted: 9/23/2005by: M This article was fekking hilarious. From a female's point of view, I have to agree. Usually people who are fuck buddies shouldn't be friends at all. I had a friend who had that arrangement. He was a fucking loser who still lived with his mother and owned some damn car from the prehistoric ages.
To all fellow females out there who take the phrase fuck buddies too seriously, lightened up and just use the dude to get your nuts off. Either that or stick with the vibrator. Nick - Pay attention Posted: 9/21/2005by: Stu Ben Lambert wrote this. DUDE Posted: 9/20/2005by: Nick S. It's funny. Wasn't a huge fan of Steve K's recent JESUS article, but this is well written. Armband tatoos... just great. Great article. Posted: 9/18/2005by: Mike. D I was fuck buddies with a woman I not only didn't want to be buddies with, but loathed. And my friends hated her too. She was undoubtedly the most self centered, unlikeable bitch, with a dish rag personality you would ever meet. But she was a hot red head about 5'2 103 lbs, unbelievably attractive, so I just couldn't help but go back again and again. I am not a ladies man, so a woman like this comes along once in a lifetime for a regular guy like me. Too bad she was such a horror to be around...Great article. good lord Posted: 9/13/2005by: dan.d. Whether or not I've ever had sex has nothing to do with whether this article is funny. I've never worn a striped shirt to a nightclub before, but I was capable of finding humor in that. I've never been a professional football player or to a VA hospital, but I thought that article was funny, too.
I stand by my prior stance, and I'm absolutely crushed I don't have some of commentors' respect. I'd better go have sex with a random girl whom I don't like so I can feel better about myself!
