MCLEAN COUNTY, ILL--Fashion forward domestic abuser Stan Harris has decided to shun the white A-frame undershirt, popular among those arrested for misdemeanor crimes. The shirt, more commonly known as a "wifebeater", is the garment of choice for men who are looking for a bargin, and who "don't take shit from no one". They usually come in economical packages of three, and can serve as an all-season top.
But Harris has made the daring decision to display his beer spills, sauce stains, axle grease and spousal blood on something other than a ribbed sleeveless tank. Always a trend setter, he goes against the grain with a white Fruit of the Loom short sleeve V-neck. For a more formal look, Harris dons the same T-shirt adorned with a daring breast pocket. Often bulging with a pack of Marlboro reds and a tire pressure gauge, Harris ties the look together with a splash of color when his wife, Becky, gets a look at the yellowed underarms, she knows the raised hand is coming down on her.
Who gives a fuck what Im wearing? You? Faggot! Harris said outside his Bloomington, Ill. residence.
On probation for his most recent assault, one that left Becky legally blind in her left eye, Harris runs into many wife beaters who are happy just to maintain the status quo wearing the obligatory wifebeater. But, whether its a bench trial, night out on the town or demolition derby, Harris is always one step ahead of the fashion and county police in his all cotton V-necks.
Harris is single-handedly encouraging designers take a fresh look at Americas wife beaters, a market long believed to be stagnant considering the wifebeaters stranglehold.
It seems there are possibilities, said Kenneth Coles public relations manger Jan Dreskel. We tried to give them more options. We developed a line of black wifebeaters. The thinking was that a darker color may hide stains more effectively. Wife beaters didnt buy them, but homosexuals sure snatched them up. Outfitting chronic domestic abusers is difficult because of their brand loyalty. Plus, were limited with what we can offer in a three-pack.
Since Harris became increasingly hostile to questioning, threatening ass whoopings, we decided to catch up with his muse after her nine hour shift at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Becky agreed to give some insight into her husbands wardrobe if we promised not to alert authorities concerning her black eye.
I fell watching TV, she offered demurely, touching her giant bruise.
Becky said Harris is a man of action and most likely does not give his wardrobe too much thought, but we find that hard to believe about the country's best dressed wife beater.
He just buys the three pack thats on sale, Becky said. I brought him some of them tank tops home once. He told me to shove em up my ass.
Maybe the entire wifebeater-wearing wife beating community should take a word of advice from Harris and shove last season's A-frames up their own asses and start looking to the future of wife beating and its new wardrobe.
Fuckin a!!!!!!!! Posted: 2/10/2006by: Kyle All i have to say from one wifebeater to another, it doesnt matter what kind of shirt you wear. What matters is as long as you are going to set your bitch in line, put a little stink on it.
this Posted: 2/9/2006by: brandon is hilarious. one of the most well written articles on the site. Don't you be a good neighbor to her FUCKER Posted: 2/7/2006by: Frank I consider myself a yuppie wife beater. SInce my promotion to assistant night cashier at the Roy Rogers off I-40, I spend the $4.50 on the walmart dickie's white tee with pocket. I don't use the pocket to hold Marb's I smoke U.S.A. gold so I can afford the "PABST BLUE RIBBON FUCKER!!!!!" McLean Posted: 2/7/2006by: Alex Nice work, Ben.
Also, whenever I hear about McLean County, I am reminded of the old McDonald's "diet-hamburger," the "McLean Deluxe."
Am I alone on that one? Stan is a hairless pussy Posted: 2/7/2006by: Soylent Green If he had a glorious mane of back and shoulder fur, he would be showing it off. I think Stan is gay... fantastic Posted: 2/7/2006by: glen This is a beautiful article. WOMEN WERE MADE TO BE BEATEN. STUPID CUNTS. Good Job Ben Posted: 2/7/2006by: Christine And now I want a KFC biscuit. Darn. He did her a favor Posted: 2/7/2006by: Atlas Someone who is legally blind gets a tax break. You forgot about ... Posted: 2/7/2006by: Tara ... Jersey boys. They really like their A-frames too. They look great with their Italian horn necklace, a visor and a badass orange fake-bake. The difference is, they buy them in bulk and change them every hour on the hour. They usually still have the fold crease in them.
No offense to you Jersey boys. I dated one once. He was ridiculously well-dressed. There are some good ones out there.
oh and by the way, Ben, this was hysterical. Nice Posted: 2/7/2006by: Ashley "...considering the wifebeater's stranglehold." Excellent - very funny.
