For years, feminist spokeswomen and bull dykes nationwide have criticized Mattel Inc. for fostering an unachievable ideal of the female figure with its popular line of Barbie dolls. Now, thanks to a new medical procedure in its final phases of approval by the American Surgical Association, obtaining Barbie's curvaceous form will be a possibility for women everywhere.
Dr. Nick Freidenheimer, immediate past president of the American Plastic Surgeon's Council, unveiled the specifics of the breakthrough over the weekend at the group's national convention in Las Vegas.
"Total areo-nipple removal was always the missing link. Everything else has been in place for years. This was the last piece of the puzzle. With this revolutionary procedure, the Barbie body is not only possible, it's recommended," Freidenheimer said.
The operation removes the entire areola, including the nipple itself, and seamlessly fuses the skin surrounding the opening, giving women the pert, firm and, for the first time, streamlined breasts for which Barbie is known.
Freidenheimer continued, "We had the waist figured out in '86. Who's going to miss a couple of ribs? Now, with this miracle of modern medicine, there's no excuse not to look like Barbie."
He added that liposuction, hair extensions, breast augmentation and bound feet have been common practice for years among females who take pride in their appearance.
Mattel executives applauded the cutting-edge procedure and said the company, and Barbie herself, has been vindicated by science.
"These 'women' who maintained that Barbie cultivated an unhealthy body image among young girls have finally been silenced," said Mattel vice president of public relations Gary Dern. "Now every single girl who picks up a Barbie can achieve that perfect body... for around $150,000. And that's a small price to pay to fix God's mistakes."
A little surgery never hurt anyone
Despite congratulatory statements from both the medical community and toy manufacturers, feminists wasted no time blasting the surgical technique.
"You stuffed us full of silicone, made us give up Haagen Daas, now you want to take our nipples?" asked an enraged Jane Grant, head of the Federation For Females First and centerfielder for the San Francisco Sanitation Worker's Union softball team.
Perhaps emboldened by the recent news, Dern responded for Mattel with some pointed remarks.
"Hey, if these gals want their daughters to grow up wearing crew cuts and flannel shirts, who are we to judge? But I guess the chances of them ever having daughters, or sons for that matter, are pretty slim, so maybe they should just concentrate on their bowling league if they don't want to look like Barbie," Dern said with a laugh.
Even after their recent success, Freidenheimer assured his colleagues that researchers will still strive for progress in the cosmetic surgery field.
"This is a landmark day in the short history of our profession. But there is still work to be done. We can give them perfect bodies, but some of these women are seriously heinous. I promise you, we are not satisfied creating a nation of butter faces."
Freidenheimer concluded the weekend discussing a treatment, still in its fledgling stages of research, in which a women are dipped in an adherent latex coating, giving them the desired sheen and flawless complexion of Mattel's Barbie.
"We just can't keep it from flaking off. But we'll get there. Believe me, we'll get there," Freidenheimer said.
Ron 2 Posted: 8/12/2005by: MC Stainton Good post, Ron. Also, don't forget the shameless liberalism that brought us "half-black" Barbie ("Mexican Barbie", if you prefer) complete with accessories ranging from leaf blower and shovel to rubber gloves and toilet brush. I hear "Korean Barbie" is due out this fall and will be sold with the newly designed "Barbie Dry Cleaner" set. why stop there? Posted: 8/10/2005by: Ron Mexico Ron Freeman is taking a well earned vacation this week, so I thought I'd share my thoughts in his stead. Wax dipping, nice idea. I love when my women have that smooth coated feeling, sometimes it's hard to find a sheet of plastic big enough to wrap them in. And while we're making new Barbies, why don't we get rid of the black ones? You know, the ones that only sold because of parental liberal guilt? The ones that came complete with vallet uniform? Yeah, those were pretty cool ................. for black dolls. HEY PAUL Posted: 8/10/2005by: STEVE I didn't know you were the fuckin joke encyclopedia, but thanks for your referencing help you annoying cunt. It must have really bothered you that some people thought my shit was funny, so you had to call him out on it. Get fucked loser. Stop wasting your time on my comments. Paul Posted: 8/10/2005by: sharky Hey just trying to give the little guy some kudos for throwing a zinger out, I'll look for that book, probably in the same location as your not so great American novel. "How to Get Through What is Technically called a Life by Using Ellipsis. . ." by Paul J. Cockhole. . . Hey sharky, If you liked steve's jokes... Posted: 8/10/2005by: Paul you can buy them all in "Dirty Jokes Vol 16." I think it might be out of print by now, but back in 1989 those were real zingers... Funny shit. Posted: 8/10/2005by: sharky This article had it all. Even something moderatley funny by STEVE. Wow Posted: 8/10/2005by: Christine Steve . . . . . .
I don't know whether to laugh, cry or throw up. But thanks for a truly graphic morning. j Posted: 8/10/2005by: deuce good idea, wrong direction. i say dip 'em head 1st so they can't talk, but you can still carry 'em around like a 6 pack (cans) JOKES Posted: 8/10/2005by: STEVE What did the one armed, one legged, blind, deaf guy get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What's the worst part about eating bald pussy?
Taking off the diaper. ha ha Posted: 8/10/2005by: J You do realize that after a full body latex dip, the only orifice left open is the mouth.....oh right, good thinkin.
