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My future benefactor
Dear Mr. Dolan,
I’ve been an Indians fan ever since I was about seven years old. I went to my first game at the Stadium way back in June of 1982. The Tribe was playing the Red Sox. Yaz hit a home run, Rick Manning got booed, but the Indians won anyway. As you can see, the Tribe and me go way back.
Let me tell you, Mr. Dolan- I’ve seen some bad baseball from my favorite team in that time. Many was the cold, dreary night where I sat in obstructed-view seating at Municipal Stadium and watched the likes of Rich Yett, Carmen Castillo and Tony Bernazard perpetrate like they were a major league team. Remember 1985, when the Tribe went 60-102? I was there, watching our horrible team lose to the Royals, yelling at their right fielder Pat Sheridan just like the big kids behind me were doing. Remember 1988, when they did the overhead stadium shots for Major League? I was there, watching us get our asses kicked by Seattle; I think the score was 10-3, but I could be wrong; either way, it was a lot for them to a little for us. Remember 1991, when the Tribe went 57-105? I was there, sitting through an hour-long rain delay just to watch us lose to the Angels. Hell, you know who has the home-run record for games I attended at the Stadium? Alvin Davis- and he didn’t even play for the Indians! I’m a lifer, man! I mean, Sir!
Did you know I went straight from a chemotherapy session to the last game ever at Municipal Stadium? True story, Mr. Dolan. True fucking story. Talk about livin’ for the Indians. I’m Exhibit A. Well, maybe not A, but I’m not Z either, you know what I mean?
This isn’t another sob story, Mr. Dolan. I’m getting somewhere with this, I promise.
I’ve watched, listened to, or followed on ESPN GameCast every single game the Tribe has played this year, and let me tell you something, Mr. Dolan- I love the team you’ve put on the field. Fucking love ‘em. Three years into a rebuilding plan and here we are, sixteen games over .500 and right in the thick of the Wild Card race. And the way this team plays! They’ve got young talent, and they go balls-out every night, giving it up to win ballgames. Whether it’s Coco Crisp laying out to steal away would-be doubles in the gap, whether it’s Pronk Hafner getting 35,000 Red Sux fans to shut the fuck up with one grand-slam swing, whether it’s Grady Sizemore stealing home, whether it’s Casey “Big-Jawed Stiff” Blake getting up off the mat of a lost season and hitting a three-run bomb to tie a game against the Orioles… it’s all good. We could be Pittsburgh or Kansas City or Detroit, in year fifteen of a five-year plan. But we’re not. We’re the Cleveland Fucking Indians, and we’re right back in the mix, where we belong.
Love the Jake too, Mr. Dolan. And I’m not one of those assholes that started going to games in 1995, stopped going in 2001, and have never been heard from since. I went to seven games last season, Mr. Dolan. That ain’t much, but it’s my personal record. I watched this young team grow up in 2004. Watched them take their first baby steps toward contention. I got in on the ground floor.
Here’s where I’m going with this, Mr. Dolan.
Monday night the Tribe responded to a five-run Tiger top of the first with a six-run bottom of the first, on the way to a 10-8 victory that pushed them into a three-way tie for the Wild Card lead with the Yankees and the Angels. The Tribe is fresh off a 5-2 road trip. They’ve won 12 of their last 14 games; 25 of their last 35. They’re 20-7 in August. They’re the hottest team in baseball. And there were 17,000 paying customers at the Jake! A pennant contender in Cleveland, a division rival in town, the team’s on a roll, the Jake is still a jewel of a park, but still… 17,000? Hell, you gave away 5,000 tickets for Monday’s game! What are we, a World Football League team or something? Come on!
Matter of fact, the Indians are fourth-to-last in all of baseball in attendance. We’re even behind Oakland! And with all due respect to the Athletics, they don’t draw flies, and never have. Christ, they couldn’t even get a million into the Coliseum for a World Championship team in 1974. But they’re still outdrawing us! That’s just embarrassing.
And you know what? After my seven-game binge in 2004, I haven’t shown my face at the Jake at all this season. That’s right- here it is, almost September, and I still haven’t been to my favorite place in all the world yet. Is it because I’m down on the Indians? Shit- not hardly. It’s just I’m broke as a joke. Have been, since right after my last Tribe game of 2004, an 8-2 smackdown of the Twinkies on August 13. And it’s not my fault I’m broke, Mr. Dolan. Seriously. It’s the so-called law’s fault. That and MADD’s. Jesus, one broad has her son killed in a car wreck, and she’s got to go royally screw the rest of us. Women, right?
Plus, finding work has been a bitch. My postal facility is closing down. The only job skills I have are typing, answering phones, and making coffee, and who wants a surly thirty-year old guy with a gut if they can hire a chick with skintight clothes and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice cream to do the same job? I know who I’d choose.
Anyway, there’s a way we can help each other out, Mr. Dolan, as long as you’re giving away free tickets and all. I can help you with your horrible attendance, and you can help me get up to the ballpark and support my favorite team in the manner in which it deserves. My idea is beautiful in its simplicity. All you have to go is put some tickets* in an envelope, and address the envelope thus:
See what I mean? This is kid’s stuff! Hell, I’ll even front for the stamp. And I’ll make things even easier for you. I’ll tell you exactly which games I want to attend:
Saturday, September 10- versus Minnesota
The free-spending Twinkies come to town for a weekend series. When it comes to the Twins, I’m a regular good-luck charm. I’m like, 1-0 against them lifetime. Twist a few arms around the ticket office and I’ll be 2-0 before you know it. Come on, Mr. Dolan. Let’s re-introduce the Twins to the concept of “next year”, you and I.
Monday, September 13- versus Oakland
I actually have to work Monday nights, but if you can swing some tix for the A’s, I’ll play hooky in a New York second. It’s a weeknight, the A’s are a shitty draw, no matter how good they are… it’s games like these where my help and assistance will really come in handy. When I get some hops and yeast in me, I’m a motherfuckin’ one-man sellout.
Saturday, September 17- versus Kansas City
Dramatic battles between playoff contenders are fine and good, but there’s something to be said for going up to the ballpark and getting tanked while your favorite team pummels the worst team in baseball.
Saturday, October 1- versus Chicago
By the time this home date rolls around, the White Sox will have completed their el-foldo. This might be the game that clinches the AL Central… for the Tribe. Okay, this is bullshit ‘homer” stuff, the White Sux will probably have it salted away by then- but you’ve got to like my spirit, right? Make it happen, Mr. Dolan!
I'll even cheer for Casey Blake
And while you’re making it happen… go ahead and make it two tickets for each game, please. One for me and one for my brother. We like to go up to the ballpark and get real loose while we watch the Tribe. The game doesn’t start at 7:00 for my bro and me- it starts at Beer O’Clock, and we’re both buying! Think of it this way, Mr. Dolan- the money you’re losing in free tickets, the brothers Lamovsky will be more than recouping on ballpark suds. See how this works out?
And no drunk driving for me, Mr. Dolan! I’ll just… say, you think you can throw in some limo service to and from the game, too?
*- Beggars can’t be choosers, I know, but if you could make them those $39.00 field boxes about fifteen rows behind the first-base dugout, that would be “mighty white” of you, sir.
and I don't even live in Ohio. Another good one Jesse!
Tom A
Could We "Commission" An Article?
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Posted: 8/30/2005 11:11:19 AM
Hey, I'd throw in a few bucks toward some ticks and a ride to the game for Jesse and his bro if we got an article detailing the debuachery and drag bunts.
Anyone else?
Charlie, can we get a link hooked-up?
Gordon Gekko
Long Time Tribe Fan
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Posted: 8/30/2005 11:15:57 AM
and Larry Dolan can suck my DICK!! I was also at the game where the Major League overcam shots of the stadium were happening (the game sucked and the fireworks sucked). But I have to say this, I swore off any emotional attachment to any Cleveland sports team ever again. After the "97 World Series, I knew I was done. Not as a Cleveland sports fan, but I swore off my undying love for Cleveland sports teams. I cried that night, fucking cried. But anyway, I recently found myself in a bitter exchange with Casey "don't call me Jay Leno chin" Blake. Blake was signing autographs for fans sitting by my seat. I was pretty pissed off at these old men literally climbing over me for C.Blake's John Hancock, when finally I just blurt out, "What the FUCK do you want a Casey Blake autograph for when he'll be out of the league in 2 years". Needless to say, Casey hears the comment, and was Fucking Livid. I kinda felt bad after. Fuck it though, It's probably true.
Beau
Decent Effort
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Posted: 8/30/2005 1:13:48 PM
Once again after browsing the Phat Phree for amusement and having no luck with the stale "World" and "Entertainment" columns, I was happy to find sports once again on top......next stop Web Links. (cross your fingers)
Side Note: Kill the A's please......Giants fans cannot stand watching a low budget beer league team succeed in Oakland while we suck ass across the bay. Best of luck in the Oakland series tribe fans. Jesse.....can you do an article to see who the whitest team in baseball is? I put my money on the Rockies.
Jesse L.
Comments
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Posted: 8/30/2005 3:50:11 PM
Gordon Gekko- Cheer up, brother. Don't jump off the train just yet- you'll miss out on our championship! It'll happen at some point.
Tom A- Much respect, friend, but if your idea of debauchery is a couple of semi-redneck brothers drinking beer at a baseball game, you might want to think about getting out more. Also, I can't ask Charlie to swing this for me- he does enough, letting me drop my drivel on this site every week.
Beau- I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm pretty sure the whitest team in baseball is Oakland.
Thanks for the comments, people
Jay
OK
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Posted: 8/30/2005 4:26:21 PM
I'm Yanks fan living in Cleveland now and I havent been to a game either. There is nothing better than beer and baseball.
BeJ
Twinks
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Posted: 8/30/2005 4:43:05 PM
I've got $2 that says the Twins will finish above the Tribe...
james
the tribe
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Posted: 8/30/2005 5:59:38 PM
I was going to post and say enough with the god damn indians, because really most of your articles cover something to do with them. And then i realized, ive almost semi adopted this team just by listening to you talk about them so much. I know almost as much about the indians as i do about my own team, and im kinda cool with it. So i guess thanks for giving me an insiders look to being a indians fan
giants fan
this cinched it:
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Posted: 8/30/2005 7:37:46 PM
"... it’s not my fault I’m broke, Mr. Dolan. Seriously. It’s the so-called law’s fault. That and MADD’s. Jesus, one broad has her son killed in a car wreck, and she’s got to go royally screw the rest of us. Women, right?"
Awesome. Good effort overall, and that passage sealed the deal.
matt
Good writing
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Posted: 8/30/2005 7:47:57 PM
Jesse,
Always chalk full of facts and a few choice sentences. Great style. Hope the tickes come through. Maybe that french vanilla assed sec. is licking the envelope now.
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