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Life, as several people have observed, is short, confusing, and wildly unfair. Never has this been made clearer than when Arby’s discontinued their Chicken Cordon Bleu sandwich.
I was first introduced to this culinary delight during my lean years when an Arby’s was running a special wherein a person could get two chicken sandwiches for $4. Now, Arby’s does a pretty good chicken sandwich (not as good as Chick-Fil-A, though), and that was a value that I just couldn’t pass up. The sandwich itself was a masterful blend of a crispy chicken filet, sliced ham, Swiss cheese, and mayonnaise on a sesame seed bun. I usually chose to forgo the mayonnaise, on account of my cholesterol level and the fact that I used to have a job that required me to make coleslaw. By hand. Coleslaw is quite possibly the vilest substance known to man, and making it is a pretty mayonnaise-intensive procedure, so that experience put me off most of the egg-yolk based sauces out there. In any case, the Arby’s Chicken Cordon Bleu was a damn fine sandwich, and I found myself indulging in it even when it wasn’t specially priced.
Then came the fateful dark day: I walked into Arby’s, pleased that I had remembered my coupon (“Buy 1 Chicken sandwich, get 1 free!*”). It expired the next day, and I wanted to be sure to use it. I hadn’t eaten in 12 hours to make certain that I was good and hungry. Little did I anticipate the disappointment that lie ahead.
“Hi. I’ve got this coupon, and I’d like 2 Chicken Cordon Bleus, please.” I said. “I’m sorry, we don’t have that any more.” came the grim reply.
It took a moment to register. I looked up at the menu, where the picture had been just weeks before. It was gone, replaced by an image of that Oven Mitt imploring me to try a jamocha shake. I turned back to the girl behind the counter, hoping for solace. She looked at me and shrugged, as if she knew that there were no words that could console me. Still, she tried.
“We’ve got the Chicken Bacon and Swiss, if want that.” She offered.
Chicken Bacon and Swiss. Feh. It could actually serve as a decent surrogate, what with the presence of the chicken and cheese and pork. But then they had to go and use that awful pepper bacon. What was wrong with regular bacon? Nothing! Bacon was fine! Bacon was better than fine, it was great! There was no reason to go fucking it up by adding pepper! No, the Chicken Bacon and Swiss was a sorry substitute, and I left Arby’s that day a broken man.
I could never wrap my mind around the decision to remove that great sandwich from the menu. Granted, Arby’s isn’t necessarily known for their chicken, but it added variety to the bill of fare. How many other fast food places offer sandwiches with two kinds of meat? Sure, there’s Subway, and most burger joints will serve a bacon cheeseburger, but they treat bacon like a garnish. The ham on a Chicken Cordon Bleu was always it’s own entity. Plus, they still serve it on their Market Fresh Sandwiches, so the ham is right there in the store anyway. Slap it on a filet, dammit!
Maybe it was the name. Not difficult to say, surely, but slightly embarrassing? It left the menu around the time of that whole “Freedom Fries” affair, so maybe Arby’s was bowing to the popular trend of deriding all things French? I’d hate to think of nationalistic jingoism costing me the simple joy of one of my favorite sandwiches.
It was some time before I ventured back to an Arby’s. They lured me in with a special of 5 Ham and Swiss or Roast Beef and Cheddar sandwiches for $6. I always got the Ham and Swiss, since the Cheddar on the Roast Beef isn’t actually cheese, just cheese-flavored sauce. It’s pretty foul. Thus, was my rift with Arby’s mended.
So it was that on a recent road trip to Oregon I had occasion to stop in northern California to do some outlet shopping. Across the street from Prime Outlets was a Shell station and an Arby’s. I was unimpressed by the Shell station’s ham and cheese sandwich on starchy-looking white bread for $4, so I decided to try Arby’s, thinking maybe they’d have some appealing combo with curly fries or something.
Glancing over the menu, my heart jumped. There, under Chicken Selections, was the Chicken Cordon Bleu! Tentatively, feigning ignorance, I asked the girl behind the counter, “Chicken Cordon Bleu, what’s in that?”
“It’s Chicken, with ham and Swiss cheese and mayo.” She wasn’t too condescending when she said it.
“Can I get it without the mayo?” I asked.
“Sure, whatever.” She said.
I was thrilled. I happily plunked down my $3.79, and waited as my sandwich was lovingly hand-crafted to my specifications. I ate it right there in the parking lot, not wanting to be distracted from my enjoyment by paying attention to driving. Looking back, I wish I’d savored it more.
I use this experience as a lesson to Corporate America. Many fast-food companies are adopting policies based on the notion that what customers look for most in a fast-food restaurant is uniformity. Not quality, not value, not speed or convenience, but uniformity. In fact, I was once fired from a Donato’s because I refused to follow the proscribed “Phone Script” (Excuse me, but not everyone who calls up a pizza joint is interested in placing an order right away, so immediately asking “Will this be pick-up or delivery” is presumptuous, manipulative and rude). In a way, I understand the mindset. It’s comforting to know that a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Alabama is going to taste pretty much the same as a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Maine, or Alaska, or Hong Kong. Yet, occasionally there will be that daring franchise holder who refuses to toe the company line, and decides to hold on to a quality sandwich when others are dropping it like a sack of rancid Horsy sauce. To you, rogue franchisers, I say bravo. Don’t be afraid to take chances. You might just find yourself selling a lot more Chicken Cordon Bleus.
You gizzed all over that sandwich before you ate it didn't you?
Lorenzo
Coleslaw
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Posted: 11/1/2005 9:24:42 AM
I'm on your side with the coleslaw although I've never had to make that repugnant filth. I hate it. At diners it's free. They're always trying to push that crap on you. It's disgusting and I just imagine that they have it sitting out for days in a gigantic bucket with flies swirling around because it's filthy. I hate coleslaw.
I liked this story. Well done.
STEVE
ARBY'S RETARDS
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Posted: 11/1/2005 9:51:44 AM
In my area, there must be a qualification box to check on the Arby's application which reads "Mildly to Severely Retarded", and you better be checking YES if you want that job. I get a good laugh at the retarded folks everytime I step into that shithole, but I must say the new AwJew Sandwich is pretty fuckin good.
Dave, Where the fuck did you work where you had to make coleslaw you 5.25$/HR. loser, Arthur Treachers or Long John Silvers? I'd like to fire a hot hush puppy right at your fuckin face.
CD
Taco Bell
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Posted: 11/1/2005 10:23:30 AM
I experienced this same dispair when Taco Bell discontinued the Chili-Cheese Burrito, or as old schoolers remember it - the Chilito. Simple -- chili and cheese in a tortilla. Throw some "Fire" hot sauce on it and you are good to go. Make sure you are close to the crapper though.
GRB
Chilito
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Posted: 11/1/2005 11:01:37 AM
I think they still have the Chili Cheese Burrito, at least they do in my neck of the woods.
Agreed though, it tends to piss a guy off when they take the best things off the menu. Ditto on the retards and Arby's, I've never seen such a beautiful collection of drug addicts, douchebags, speech impediments, and mental defects as the one at our local Arby's.
brian
retards
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Posted: 11/1/2005 12:16:27 PM
You can always count on one of them fucking retards to come and sweep under the table while you are trying to eat. Christ sweep under a different table or come back after I make my mess you imigrant terrorist.
I guess its best they are sweeping the floor and not spooging on your cole slaw.
matt
Arby Sauce
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Posted: 11/1/2005 1:33:55 PM
I like the Arby sauce, but those mildly retarded assholes hoard it like it's fucking gold. When I get a Giant, one fucking packet isn't going to cut it.
deuce
saving silverman
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Posted: 11/1/2005 1:46:49 PM
doesnt she spew arby sauce out of a big montana onto her cans in that movie? that was awesome.
Joe Kickass
Awesome
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Posted: 11/1/2005 1:52:18 PM
Great job man. Comments on this one are good too. Except for the obligatory semen comment from downsyndrome eric.
Arby's sauce on Amanda Peet's boobs rules. So did the chili cheese burrito. The chilito and marijuana were about all I consumed in college.
This piece reminds me of the Simpsons where Homer tours the country with a bunch of hippies following the McRib at Krusty Burger.
Tony Plow
McRib
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Posted: 11/1/2005 2:00:47 PM
Mickey D's has to make up their minds with this one. Either it's gone, or it's back. I can't get enough of injection molded pork substance.
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