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The Jihad at Lap 350
BRISTOL, TN: The Food City 500 was disrupted this weekend by Insurgents who attacked driver Joe Nemechek and his Army Sponsored Chevy around lap 350. The race had been going along very well for Nemechek who was in the hunt for a top 10 finish for the first time this season.
All that changed around lap 350 when the “Team Insurgency” driver Mahmood Al-Zarqawi, brother to Jordanian militant and terrorist mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, rammed his modified Chevy Malibu into the “Team Army of One” car from behind sending it careening into the wall at over 170 miles an hour. The ensuing pile up damaged 4 other vehicles as well.
“I’m lucky to be alive,” commented an angry Nemechek from his Nashville hospital bed. “I started into the third turn and expected to slide back out and advance on the lead car. The next thing you know, I’m eatin’ asphalt. It was bad enough when they mortared the track during my time trial, but now this? I don’t know why the commissioner puts up with this kind of racing.”
During a press conference following today’s race NASCAR commissioner Charles Strang made no indication that any of the tactics of today’s race would be under review.
“We’ve looked into the matter as best we can, and right now and there is no credible evidence that show’s Zarqawi acted maliciously in the accident that occurred during lap 350 of today’s race. Furthermore, there is also no credible link between “Team Insurgency” and the beheading of Home Depot’s head mechanic Jerry Nyburg. These accusations hurt the sport and I will not respond or comment on any them.” Then Strang left the podium and took no questions.
Zarqawi, who allegedly instigated the attack, finished a respectable 4th behind Dale Gerret. “It was with Allah that I drove today,” Zarqawi commented. “And with Allah that I was able to claim 4th place. This is a victory for Allah. This is Allah’s Victory!”
Rumors have been circulating all week that Zarqawi might be switching teams and driving for Team Pep Boys by the end of the week, but when asked he would not go into detail.
Zarqawi did say, “I am responsible for driving the Team Insurgency car. I swear loyalty to fighting the infidel on every level and every battlefield. However I cannot rule out that I might be driving for the Pep Boys next week. Nothing has been signed though. So I leave it up to them. I leave it in the hands of the Boys Pep. And Allah.”
How can you correctly spell Nemechek and then screw up Dale J-A-R-R-E-T-T?
Otherwise, damn good article. The Team Insurgency-Kalashnikov-100% All Cotton Towels-Camel Lights Chevy Malibu was real racey at Bristol.
John Z
Holy Shit
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Posted: 4/20/2006 10:59:21 PM
That was genius. My girlfriend literally came over and minimized the browser window twice to prevent me from reading. she thought I was going to go choke during laughing fit - and that was just while looking at the photo-shop job. U.S Army Car + Cotton car w/ dirka script = dead guy on floor. Boys Pep indeed.
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