Im a hater - a true hater. Recently, I had to face the grim truth while watching the Haters Ball skit on DVD from season one of Chapelles Show. As the sketch went on, I realized more and more that the thoughts in my head sound a lot like the characters, the haters in the sketch. I find myself trudging through life hating at least 75% of all the things I see and the experiences I have. I have a feeling Im not alone in hating with steadfast regularity so here are a few things that make me want to go Falling Down on the world and people around me
Going Out to Eat. It used to be fun, an exciting new experience, now it sucks. Every bullshit chain restaurant has the same bland, overpriced menu. Customers on their cell phones are annoying. Smokers who eat and smoke between bites are annoying (could you at least put your heater(s) down long enough to eat a civilized meal!), and the servers (as my colleague Mike Polk pointed out) pretty much hate you for coming in and bothering them. If I pay forty bucks for a meal that isnt as good as what I could make at home with a little effort, fuck that restaurant and fuck the cooks in the back.
Jared. I hate Jared more than Ronald McDonald, The Hamburgler, and Grimace combined. You former fat fuck! If there is any such notion as true justice, Jared will gain back the weight hes lost. What a weak idea anyway: Im fat, so Im going to walk to Subway and get veggie subs and walk home. What the hell? Lift a weight. Play some basketball. As my man White Gypsy once put it, I see Jared from Subway Im punchin his face!
Shopping. Being a dude, I dont mean shopping like a woman would refer to it, but any more, I hate shopping for my favorite things: music and movies. Every time I take a chance on some new artist or record I end up hating it. Is there any fuckin good music being made any more? Before you come at me with your laundry list of artists, fuck you. Im not picking up Destinys Child CDs and whining about good music; I listen to very obscure music, and know way more about talented and marginally talented hip-hop artists than any human being should. For fucks sake though, if I leave my house with specific intent to come home with some new music to listen to shouldnt I be able to find it? (maybe this is an Ohio problem.)
And as for movies, what the fuck? Would it kill Hollywood to make a good flick every now and then? Fuck all these cookie cutter scripts you figure out ten minutes into the film. Give me some depth give me some character development give me something, cause Im giving you eight bucks (plus one hundred dollars for the dual fifty-two gallon barrels of popcorn and pop)
Fat Free Ranch. Diet? Dont even try it when it comes to ranch. Ranch is a food group (or it should be). Only catsup compares in terms of condiment versatility but Ive never seen anybody of sound body and mind put catsup on a salad and eat it. Fries =ranch. Burger = ranch. Salad = ranch. Popcorn = ranch. Vegetables = ranch. Now replace my ranch with fat free ranch. Go ahead, I dare you. I will go Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry. I will go Charles Bronson, Death Wish on a motherfucker! Ill go Chuck Norris, Invasion USA on that ass. As the Godfather of Soul once said I dont know karate, but I know CRAZY! Three things you should remember in life: dont tug on Supermans cape. Dont piss into the wind and dont, I mean do not, fuck with a mans ranch dressing. Get that fat free shit outta here. Fat free. I hate it. Its like a Blow Pop with no gum. The only good Phat Phree is this here online rag youre reading (plug).
Vanity License Plates. How bout FUCK U. Thats a great vanity license plate. I guess I dont hate every single vanity plate, because I have seen a few that were cool (like three or four tops), but the suburbanites in their bullshit PT Cruisers with a vanity plate reading LUV MY PT or PT 4 ME is just something to hate, and it is something that has to stop. Even worse than that is the forty year old, bitch ass, sports car drivin, single guy going through a divorce and a mid-life crisis, whos going to get a younger girl. He always has some clever vanity plate like GR8 LAY or D8 THIS How bout I H8 U thats my fuckin vanity plate, and stay away from my daughters one day you ass backwards fuck.
Spyware/Adware, Pop-Ups, and Viruses. God Dammit! Just a couple of years ago I could surf the internet in peace. Then some no ass gettin, living in your parents basement, not paying rent or shit else, turd of a human being came along and came up with viruses and spyware and adware and pop-ups. Now once a year, I have to dump my hardrive, reload my programs and get my computer back up to snuff. Not even people who know a lot more about computers than I do can beat these acne-scarred, small-dicked bitches. Even atheists think these assholes should burn in hell. I hate them and their inventions almost as much as I hate award shows.
Oprah Winfrey and Her Audience. The first African American female to be a billionaire Fuck You. I hate this show. First off my mom would always clip into the end of G.I. Joe when she got home from work to watch the last of this daily train wreck. Secondly, the house frows in the audience represent everything I hate about women. They blindly hang on every word (fake black accent and all) like Oprah is some fucking omniscient cult leader. Any man in this audience has clearly been castrated and/or emasculated and has no sense of self worth or dignity left (and as for Stedmond or whatever the fuck her husband/boyfriends name is what the fuck man?). There are plenty of things for a man to do in Chicago Wrigley Field Soldiers Field Oprahs studio audience? Why dont you pull the hairs from my scrotum out one at a time with tweezers, cut my sack open, fill it with stomach acid, and staple it to my taint! Lastly, I hate the fact that her production company is named Harpo Productions Oprah backwards how fucking clever. How do you fit through the studio doors with an ego bigger than Chicago, New York, and LA combined Oprah? you fat I mean skinny you chubby I mean fat you thin you exploiting whore.
People Proud to Have the Phrases White Trash and Ghetto Fabulous Associated with Them. When did being an ignorant asshole become cool? These two horrific phrases make me cringe. From what I understand, if another person claims to be, or associates themselves with either of these phrases, a basically gives them a James Bond like license... to kill you may ask? No, to be an ignorant, nonsensical, illogical, scumbag with a sense of entitlement that makes a woman divorcing her billionaire husband look like Mother Teresa. (For more information on White Trash and Ghetto Fabulous see The Jerry Springer Show, The Maury Povich Show, and The Jenny Jones Show all shows I hate!)
Award Shows. These are probably the thing I hate the most. Watching these minimally talented, self obsessed, Hollywood business-type assholes apple-polish each other makes me sick. The commentaries about fashion what are you wearing? (by the way, I hate Joan and Melissa Rivers), and relationships who are you dating? Fuck you Who cares. Lastly, I hate the carrying on about how brilliant someone is shut the fuck up. Edison was brilliant. Einstein was brilliant. Some asshole who picks out the clothes for the worthless characters in your movie is not brilliant. If youre still into drinking games, do a shot every time someone says the word brilliant at an awards show and the smart money says youll end up in a pine box dead of alcohol poisoning before the show is over.
I HATE IT ALL (or most of it anyway)! A random list of other things I hate
-People who follow pop culture trends. Especially teen moms (thirty and older dressing like theyre eighteen or younger)
-Telemarketers. Why are you rude if its a courtesy call?
I hate Oprah!
-People who drive SUVs that get under 14 MPG Save some gas for the rest of us (and we wonder why gas prices keep going up demand my friends, supply and demand).
-People that dont like Seinfeld. Are you kidding me? Best show ever written. I just wouldnt trust someone who does not like Seinfeld.
-Snow in March. March is for spring winter, so get the fuck outta here!
-People who eat Asian food with a fork. Thats bullshit you can eat their food, but not use their utensils. Quit being lazy and save the excuses, its not hard. You can write cant you?
-People with tricked out cars. The Fast and the Furious was a (bad) movie, not a lifestyle. Grow up your car looks stupid and a Chevy Cavalier with a racing stripe and a spoiler that juts ten feet into the air is still a Chevy Cavalier.
-People who let religion(s) think for them. But the Bible says yeah, yeah we know.
-Ryan Seacrest. Are you fucking kidding me? Who is this guy?
-Oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips. RAISINS! Theyre made with raisins.
-People who claim video games are a waste of time, yet they watch a lot of TV. nough said. Leave my EA Sports jones alone.
-Mohawks. Mr. T. is the only person to ever sort of pull this haircut off. Its like Hitlers mustache no one else can wear that and have people respect them. And dont tell me its punk thats just stupid. Cmon man.
-Vans without windows and desert murals on the side of them. Get your kids the fuck inside! You have a pedophile in your neighborhood. Everybody hates pedophiles.
I hate Seacrest!
-Long stretches on road trips when you dont see any signs of civilization. Its down right scary, and I hate it. Mix in a courtesy sign, or gas station.
-The fact I use ellipsis() so much. Theyre fucking great, Im sorry. I hate myself for it, but my name is M.Thomas and I have an addiction.
To all my haters out there feel free to add your own hate with comments below.
wdg6yja@gmail.com Posted: 8/7/2006by: wdg6yja@gmail.com funny ringtones House (or Haus() Frow Posted: 5/22/2006by: Er It's actually House (or Haus) Frau. Frau being the German word for "woman." A House Frau has come to connote a woman who stays at home all day doing nothing but wasting time/space/air. Anyway, this article was hilarious. I could just smell the rage... (I, too, love ellipses) Hater Posted: 5/18/2006by: James Kent Phat Free should be required reading for all. Would you please define the meaning "house frows'? I heard a lady use it the other night referring to Bloprah's audience as a bunch of empty headed trend slave house frows. It sounded great, but I'm not sure what a house frow is. Hopefully it is a crude disparaging term.
Thank you.
James.
The Vice Posted: 2/28/2006by: JT Man, I hate when Mu'fuckers drive in the fast lane all slow....Hello!...every one is hauling ass in this lane for a reason fuckface!... And what about the fuckers who cut you off...man I wish my car was made of adamantium or something cause' I would just ram the shit out of them. My hand is twitching just thinking bout that shit!.
I hate mu'fuckers who walk at a caterpillar-like speed in the mall.
I hate red lights when they land on me.
I can't stand people in movie theatres who try to say something funny out loud during quiet moments in the show....Why?,..why are you blurting out dumb ass shit? please explain... I could see if you were making people laugh, but your not...so shut the fuck up, biootch!!
I'm tired of seeing the cars with the stickers that say what school they're kid goes to. Who gives a fuck. I mean,...who REALLY gives a fuck? Not me, do you? Those fuckers wouldn't want me coming up to them and saying what school I went to would they? Fuck no!! And who gives a damn about your kid being honor roll student! That shit was 15 years ago asshole, your child is working at burger king now...take that shit off!
Dark Water, The Grudge, and Alone in the Dark all sucked ass! Yes I hated them. Ummmm.... Posted: 9/23/2005by: Gas Face If I hear one more pompous bastard tell me that the Simpsons is superior to Family Guy I am going to key their face. Who are these people that think a lesson learned for Lisa can match the death, destruction and all out disregard for morals which Family Guy so perfectly displays?
Also, what is the deal with all this healthy McDonald's crap! If I have to listen to some woman do slam poetry talking about her healthy salad anymore I might just cut off my ears.
One more thing....I hate hurricanes and the fact that a weather phenomenon can have such an affect on filling my gas tank. All refineries should be in Oklahoma...oh wait...there are tornadoes....
HATER HATER Posted: 9/16/2005by: Wolfgang I hate when girls say amazing and Oh my God.
I also hate everyone's gas guzzling SUV, you're right they suck!
I really hate people that make great money and do nothing all day to earn it. (Pharmaceutical Sales Reps, or any ass kissing, buy your client lunch job) Humvee Posted: 8/7/2005by: DK Yeah, SUV's are bad enough,but The Hummer takes the trophy . They were great for the Army, because the Army needs them, in desert wars,whatever.But they are TOO FUCKING BIG for civilian roads and streets!!!! Hoosh Retard Posted: 8/7/2005by: DK Black people . Can't stand them. List of Grievances Posted: 7/27/2005by: Hoosh Arted? 1. White people - can't stand 'em Small Talk Posted: 4/21/2005by: Mike People cornering me somewhere, and telling me about their stupid life. Who gives a fuck? I surely dont, so why the hell are you telling me? I dont care about what little Jimmy did yesterday, or how you lost 3 pounds since last week. Big fuckin deal. So you lost some weight, and your kid can fuckin piss on his own now. Lets have a fuckin parade. Oh yeah, people who wear a blazer with jeans, and a tie, keep doing it.....retard
