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A sweet Decision
WASHINGTON D.C.--In what’s being touted as a devastating blow to Republicans, Democrats rallied late and garnered enough bi-partisan support to once again successfully block President Bush’s appointment of “Red Hots” to the Congressional Commissary’s vending machines preventing the removal Mike N Ike’s. The vote comes amid growing contention that Red Hots are too brash and intense a candy and do not meet the candy needs of the majority of congressional candy eaters. Some feel that President Bush, in nominating Red Hots, is merely catering to a select few of his southern constituents.
All eyes were on Congressional commissary Manager Jef Redmond this morning as he made the announcement following the final tally of the “Suggestion Box” votes and also loaded the smoothie machine. The vote, held last Friday (and all weekend as no one checked the suggestion box till Monday), was long time coming as the republican controlled vote was finally called last week when Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL), in desperation, staged a filibuster while blocking the salad bar island. Access to Salad dressing and croutons was severely hastened as an adamant Durbin stood there reading names out of a phone book for 5 hours. The filibuster ended when the cafeteria closed and Durbin was asked to leave though he vowed to return the next morning and filibuster the Pancake station, which is the same island, if a vote was not called.
Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) face to face with his foe
Durbin’s stand seemed to have worked as a vote was finally called last Friday and more and more staunch Republicans crossed the isle and voted to keep Mike and Ike’s as the voting continued all night. Most notably Arizona Senator John McCain (AZ-R) “I like Mike and Ike’s over red hots. So do most American’s. I’d be a fool to simply go along with the program because it’s the direction of my party. Where as, honestly, I feel, and most American’s feel, that Red Hots are barley candy . They are better served thrown into cookie dough when making cinnamon cookies. Now that I could get behind! Not this though. This is too much.” McCain kept his statement short as he was delivering a key note speech at a Bush luncheon later that day.
“Why Mike and Ike’s?” sited lobbyist Mark Shanahan from the Coalition for Better Government. It’s not the most favorite but they were so many other candies that could have been removed. Heath Bars for example. The only guy that eats those is Senator Daniel Kahikina Akaka (D-HI) and he’s almost never here. This election spanned two days and cost tax payers thousands of dollars. How are we EVER going to even think about fixing social security, stabilizing Iraq or finally bringing Diet Rite back to the pop machine when problems like these can't even be worked out?”
Presidet Bush Seeminly Unphased by todays results
President Bush was discouraged by the election results and during a press conference this morning would only say that “Red Hots are a proven leader. Time and time again we’ve called on Red Hots and time and time again Red Hots have served this country’s snacking needs.” When asked if perhaps he might bring in “Hot Tamales”, a hot cinnamon version of Mike and Ike’s candy, to appease both sides. Bush responded “Hot Tamales are a very honorable Candy. I think that’s clear. But my decision to go with Red Hots was based on my experiences with Red Hots. I have no experience with Hot Tamales. It’s just that simple. Iraq is now Free. We need to realize that.” He then poured a box full of Red Hot’s into his mouth and stood there for 10 minutes.
Next, Congress will vote on the official guidlines for toilet paper mounting. Will it be flap over.....or flap UNDER? Stay tuned.
This message brought to you in part by "Republicans for Red Hots."
Colin
Left wing
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Posted: 6/22/2005 1:18:58 PM
fucking demo-craps.
Senator Matt
Sweet as Candy
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Posted: 6/22/2005 3:28:40 PM
Great article and since I am too poor to afford real food, and am a bit delirious I took as a great satire of how our congressional and senatorial readings work. Great article, fake newsis hard to do, and you did it well. Now to finish my lunch of Starburst and a Mello Yellow
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