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We Pledge Allegiance, to gluttony
"The hot dog eating contest is not only a beautiful display of athleticism, it is a fundamental way for citizens of all nations to display patriotism." - Wayne Norbitz, president of Nathan's Famous.
Legend (*cough* Wikipedia) has it that the first Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog-Eating Contest was an impromptu affair between four immigrants, staged to settle an argument about who was the most patriotic American of the group. Naturally, they chose to settle the dispute with an eating contest. The winner was an Irishman named Jim Mullen, who slammed down 13 hot dogs in 12 minutes- a modest total by today’s standards, but far too many for his compatriots to keep up with. The contest was held at Nathan’s, which was opened by one Nathan Handwerker in the same year of 1916 on the corner of Surf and Stillwell Avenues in Coney Island. I’m going to guess that the immigrant story is B.S., and this Handwerker cat dreamed up the contest to help his fledgling business. Either way, it stuck- the business and the contest, which has been held every year since 1916 save for four: 1939-41 and 1971 (as a protest against either the hippies or the hardhats, or both).
Hippies and hardhats hate freedom. We don’t. We love it. Freedom to Americans means the freedom to do what feels good as much as possible while mindlessly living in a highly regulated quasi-police state, and we can get down with that. And on the 4th of July there’s nothing that feels better than eatin’ and competin’. Especially when you combine them.
Now, Americans have invented a lot of things that they now get outclassed at: bobsledding and basketball are only two examples. But one would think that an eating contest, especially a hot dog-eating contest, would be right up our collective alley. Aren’t we always being told how much fucking fatter we are than any other people on Earth? Isn’t some asshole always lecturing us about this? Besides, who else eats hot dogs? Apparently Japanese people eat them, because in all but four years since 1986, and in all but one year since 1996, the winner of the contest, and the holder of the prestigious Mustard Yellow Belt, has been Japanese.
Of all the people on Earth besides us fat Americans to dominate the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, it seems… appropriate that it’s the Japanese who have stepped up and done it. They are a small folk, to be sure- small in stature as a general rule. But it seems as a culture the Japanese have long been attracted to public, spectacular displays of self-abnegation, and for that reason the spectacle of an event where a man stands under a 100-degree sun and stuffs hot dogs into his body until he just can’t take it anymore would naturally hold an attraction for the folks in the Country Formerly Known as Nippon. That having been said, it really isn’t the entire nation of Japan that brutally beats ‘our boys’ on the 4th. It’s one man. His name: Takeru Kobayashi.
In 2001, Takeru Kobayashi (no relation to Keyzer Soze’s lawyer) came out of nowhere to shock the worl’ by consuming an even fifty hot dogs, annihilating the previous record of 25. Takeru’s “Solomon Technique”- breaking the 'dogs in two and jamming both halves into his mouth at once- as well as his trademark headband (a nice accessory if you plan on flying a fighter plane into an American aircraft carrier in the best kamikaze style, or performing the Crane Kick in the All-Valley Karate Tourney), were more than adequate to overcome his diminutive size of 131 pounds.
勝利は私の物である!
Just in case you didn’t catch that, Takeru doubled the record. With apologies to Fran Tarkenton, John Davidson, and Kathy Lee Crosby, that’s fucking incredible. Takeru did the gastronomic equivalent of a 112-game hitting streak. And he wasn’t done. The following year he won again*, beating his own record by a half a hot dog; won again in 2003; and won for the fourth consecutive year in 2004, eating 53-and-a-half hot dogs in the process.
*- Takeru’s 2002 win was accompanied by some carping over him allegedly regurgitating hot dog and liquid bun. Regurgitation is an offense subject to disqualification. The two runners-up, the guys doing the most complaining, weighed 400 and 360 pounds, respectively. And they were cryin’. Babies. It’s not Gitmo that makes me ashamed to be an American ( the Israelis have probably been using Korans as volleyballs for fifty years, so hey). But a 360-pound man getting destroyed by a 130-pound man in an eating contest, then pissing and moaning about it... now, that really chaps my ass.
A couple more details on our man Kobayashi:
- Won a television special called "Glutton Bowl #1" in 2002. The show aired on Fox and consisted of, among other things, eating contests involving whole sticks of butter, sushi rolls, and gallon jars of mayonnaise.
No ketchup (unless you're from Pittsburgh)
- Defeated in an eating contest by a Kodiak bear named “Diamond” on a 2003 television special called, aptly, “Man vs. Beast”. “Mvs.B” was actually a show in five parts: the hot dog-eating contest; a tug-of-war between a Sumo wrestler and an orangutan (Jesus Christ, that poor guy probably got his fucking arms ripped off); a race consisting of future 200-meter gold medal-winner Shawn Crawford, a zebra, and a cheetah; an obstacle-course race between a Navy SEAL and a chimp; and- this is awesome- a team of midgets versus an elephant to see who can be the first to pull a DC-10 feet. It aired on Fox: naturally, as Peg Bundy would say.
What we have here, in Mr. Kobayashi, is a man who, a.) capitalizes on the one bizarre skill he has to the tune of dollar bills and TV exposure, and b.) can eat an absolute shitload at one time. And I’ll confess, I’ve never watched a hot dog-eating contest in my life (I did watch the pie-eating contest in Stand by Me, when the Ladies Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes), but I like this guy’s style. I’ve always considered myself a Little Guy, and a Little Guy always roots for another Little Guy in the field of endeavor, athletic or otherwise. Doug Flutie is my favorite Heisman winner for the same reason (even though he beat out Ohio State's Keith Byars, but I digress). The way Takeru cashes in on his hot dog-eating ability impresses me as well. Anything you can do well, you ought to do for money. That’s the American Dream, right? That’s why, despite our manufacturing base going almost wholly offshore, our porn industry is still right here at home and the best in the world. I can always get down with that.
So in closing, here’s to softball, whiffleball, and every other competition Americans will engage in this long weekend. Here’s to eating meat of every type, cut, and quality, right down to the lowly hot dog. Here’s to Takeru Kobayashi and his Solomon Technique. And if the nationalistic aspects of this contest appeal to y’all, we can always offer this guy citizenship. He won’t blow anyone up, and he won’t take anyone’s job, unless your job is to win highly publicized hot dog-eating contests. He’s the perfect immigrant!
Nice article Jesse. Nice to see an Irishman took it down first. Nice research 'specially the Stand by me allusion. I like to dip my dog in Mayo then slurp it down sans bun, is that gay?
-oh yeah, and I plan on shitloads of horshoes @ beach, on a very competitive level this weekend.
STEVE
THE WORST 12 MINUTES OF MY LIFE
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Posted: 7/1/2005 10:46:29 AM
WOW, THIS ARTICLE BLOWS. I SHOULD OF PICKED UP THE FUCKIN NEWSPAPER IF I WANTED TO WASTE MY TIME ON BULLSHIT READING. JESSE, YOU SUCK DICK DUDE. I'M ACTUALLY NOW GOING BACK TO STARING AT MY CUBICLE WALL, I'M PRETTY SURE ITS A BETTER TIME THAN YOUR HORSESHIT HUMOR. THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY YOU FUCKIN LOSER.
Justin R
Nash is better
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Posted: 7/1/2005 12:12:10 PM
Everyone read Joe Nash's article instead. It is much better than this assclowns 4th of July opinion!!!!!!
Rock on Nash!!!!
Charlie
Jesse
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Posted: 7/1/2005 12:15:46 PM
To be fair, I asked Jesse to write a 4th of July themed sports article. And we did take the idea from Nash's mention of the event in his article.
So don't take it out on Jesse. If you don't like it, blame me haters.
matt
DRRRRRR
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Posted: 7/1/2005 1:50:56 PM
Usually I am crticized for hating all of the articles on this site, but in all honesty, this wasn't bad. And I too, am glad to see some lowly Mc set the record.
By the way Steve if it took you 12 fucking minutes to read that article then you mine as well go for the full lobotomy next time you retarded ass licking chimp. Also I would like to commend you for your wicked use of the caps button. YEAH!
rebel
lightweights
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Posted: 7/1/2005 1:55:04 PM
Steve - You should pick up a newspaper and cram it up your ass you idiot.
Justin - Man you sure make a persuasive argment. Your clever use of the word 'assclown' makes your case pretty airtight.
Charlie - Why should you give a fuck what those 2 bozos think?
Enjoyed the article Jesse.
Jesse L.
Backup
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Posted: 7/1/2005 2:27:23 PM
I appreciate the backup, boys. In all honesty, Joe's piece really is better. But it's all good. I'm a big boy, I can take the heat.
MEH
12 Minutes
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Posted: 7/1/2005 2:43:42 PM
Jess, I liked the piece. Not your best, but a good piece.
My main concern goes with Matt. If it takes you 12 minutes, that's one thing. But if you're 6 minutes in to that, on your way to the worst 12 minutes of your life...why do you keep reading? I mean, don't you get to a point where there's no way you're going to be able to redeem the article? Was he hoping for a picture of yesterday's vagina? Hell, even 9 minuts in, you've gotta start thinking "I'm in for the worst 12 minutes of my life if I keep going."
Just a thought...
STEVE
DO YOU COCKSUCKERS REALLY CARE ABOUT MY COMMENT THAT MUCH?!
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Posted: 7/1/2005 3:23:55 PM
ALL OF YOU GUYS CAN GET ON YOUR KNEES AND LICK MY ASS, THEN REACH AROUND AND JERK ME OFF TO MAKE IT THE FULL RUSTY TROMBONE.
....AND MATT....YOU "MINE" AS WELL SHUT THE FUCK UP TOO... NEXT TIME YOUR GONNA TRY TO BUST MY BALLS FOR BEING ILLITERATE, YOU "MIGHT" AS WELL LEARN HOW TO FUCKIN SPEAK YOURSELF YOU UNFUNNY PIECE OF SHIT. OH YEAH, THE 12 MINUTE THING....OBVIOUSLY A FUCKIN EXAGERATION TO GO ALONG WITH THE NAME OF THE ARTICLE YOU COMICAL GENIOUS. GET FUCKED BUD.
FUCKIN LOSER
PHIL JACKSON
18-20 minutes
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Posted: 7/1/2005 4:04:27 PM
Damn Steve you've wasted about 18-20 minutes of your life by now. Stop punishing yourself and do something rewarding with your life - Paint a nice picture, write a book, pet baby donkeys, eat a turd, slit your wrists. We're all pulling for you champ.
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