Dodgeball Tip 23: It's tough to get someone out who is already "out."
Why do men buy magazines like FHM, Maxim, Gear, and Playboy? Is this a tough question? Should I call a rocket scientist? This may be the easiest question that has ever been posed in the history of mankind. Second only to some guy asking you and your friends, Hey, you guys wanna go to the Lifehouse concert with me? (really happened). Answers to questions like these need not be spoken. They are implied, like Tom Cruises homosexuality.
Remaining on the topic, what do guys NOT want to see in magazines like FHM, Maxim, Gear, and Playboy? Survey says... over-friendly guy-models, in their underwear, doing queer things is our NUMBER 1 ANSWER! Hmmmmmm? I wonder what the sexual orientation is of the guy who came up with this shit. They are some really strange fucks. If I had to put money on any group of people that are possible aliens among us, it would be male fashion designers. Using guys in underwear to sell underwear to guys is like taking Michael Jackson to a strip club. Unless they convert their sexual orientation, no money is going to change hands.
These stupid fucking ads always catch you off guard. You get confused and pissed, but the fury never flares up too hot because the absolutely unnecessary, gayed-up, guy underwear pictures are hidden beneath layers of boobs and ass. They could put in ads for Al-Quida and we would still forget to bitch about it. No weapons are more powerful and more frequently used on man than boobs and ass.
You pick up a copy of Playboy, youre reading along. Some girl is taking her clothes off faster than Teen Wolfs prom date. Flip the page. Heres an ad for deodorant. Next, we have an ad for beer. Next page. Heres a dude with a tank top pulled over his neck, wearing tighty-whiteys. Hes holding a basketball, and squinting at the sun. Shrug, turn the page. Boobs. Ass. The odd moment is forgotten.
Forever ago.
One has a very concentrated demographic when they are going to sell mens underwear. Calvin Klein, you must be one dumb motherfucker.
Fuck, CK, the internet isnt that expensive. Do some motherfucking research. I can save you some serious money. Listen up. The two guys riding a tandem bike, eating ice cream cones and giggling, doesnt make me want to buy new underwear. You know what does? Holes in my underwear. Thats about it. And do you know the extent that most guys go to for new underwear when they need it? They dont. Their wife or girlfriend goes and buys them some crazy shit. Dont even act like you meant to direct the ads at girlfriends and wives either, fuckface. If I wrote a list of things that my fianc would not spend extra cash on me for, underwear would be high on the list. I get whats on sale.
Where should you turn your campaign you ask? You want a solution?Pull back your astoundingly homosexual ad campaigns and put your money into producing a higher volume of more cheaply-made underwear that tears faster. If you have to put an ad out, do something with the motherfucking Count, for Christs sake.
CK uses the same advertising strategy for jeans. Then again, maybe it's an ad for Estrogen?
Worse yet, Hanes has a new commercial out now as well. Maybe some of you have caught it once or twice. If not, it wont take much description to get you up to speed. Well, its a big white room and whole bunch of male models jump around and play dodgeball in their underwear. Thats the gist of it. Hanes is the same company that had Michael Jordan signed to endorse them years back. Hanes had it going on. You have to be shipping out a lot of product to get Michael Jordan to endorse it back in the day. Only major players, like Nike, Wheaties, McDonalds, Gatorade, Assorted Bookies, and Hanes were in the game. Its a different story these days.
Its safe to say that Hanes has not only jumped the shark, but shit themselves in the process. They went from Air Jordan to male cheerleaders diving around playing dodgeball? Fuck, man. They're like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct being compared to Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct 2. If we wanted to see Sharon Stone again, wed unpack our VHS tapes. Im sure its fast-forwarded near the right part, as most copies of that video probably are. It was one of the only parts of that made the movie worth a damn to a 12 year-old kid. Now we have crazy-old Sharon flashing her shit everywhere you look. Hanes, your fall is very comparable. Underwear dodgeball? Is dodgeball really that tough a sport to brag about your underwear holding up for? Little kids play it in gym class. Fuck you, Hanes.
The sexually-oriented underwear advertisement combination is only successful on the female side. Look how it has turned out for them. They have female underwear shopping catalogs that you have to pay for. You have to buy shit from them in order to buy shit from them. They have an industry. They have stores that sell only female underwear. Victorias Secret. Fredericks of Hollywood. Look at the other side. Where are the guy-model underwear ads? They are buried deeply in the pages of various titty magazines. Its like not tapping out of a fight after getting your nuts impaled by a spike bat. Give up, tough guy. You are only moving slower and slower. All the while you are becoming easier and easier to hit. If you were a video game, the music would be increasing in speed and you would be blinking. Give up, Hanes. The poop-stained underwear/your company metaphor is tempting, but I think my point has been made abundantly clear. I watch too much television.
Juan is an idiot. Posted: 6/27/2006by: Mike I am now dumber for reading this article. Thanks to Juan my IQ has now gone down. Everyone give him a hand Sweet Posted: 4/12/2006by: ThingFish
No weapons are more powerful and more frequently used on man than boobs and ass.
This is now my favorite quote of all time. funny Posted: 4/10/2006by: call me mom i like the "tom cruise's homosexuality is implied" joke. nice stuff. Burrito Palace #2 RULES Posted: 4/10/2006by: Jason Mathews It's good to see you people know what the hell you are talking about. Burrito Palace #2 is the best.
Except for MG. You're close, but I've gotta take Giordanos over Chicago's, although Chicago's is open really late so that might give them extra points.
Did any of you ever go to the Prodigal Son before it burned down? MG Posted: 4/10/2006by: Atlas I love Old Town, I think Burton Place serves food till like 2am so you are right not much to offer in that area but the nightlife and restaurants around their are top notch.
I live in River West near Chicago and Halsted. Sort of secluded but still right next to everything. Atlas Posted: 4/10/2006by: MG I don't think they do close. i remember going there one time at 10a after Halloween...I think it was one of the best i've ever had...crispy outer shell. I'm so glad i don't have any late night places by me anymore (old town) Kayvon Posted: 4/10/2006by: Atlas That place on Insomniac is on Clark St and not really worth the trip if you ask me, if you want to go there it is call the Weiner Circle.
MG is right on with the Burrito Palace #2, I dont think they ever close and I am not kidding. Kayvon Posted: 4/10/2006by: MG I can second all of Atlas's recommendations, best Za is Lou Malnati's, second is Chicago's and close third is Giordanos. Al's is great for Italian beef/sausage, as is Mr Beef's on Orleans. Honestly though, I think the best hot dog is a Hebrew national at a Cubs game after a few Old Styles...gotta get the onions. Best late night burrito...Taco Burrito Palace #2 on Halsted. any other restaurant recommendations, let me know.
Good article Juan...I completely agree. I was wondering this the other day as I was reading one of my mags while dropping a deuce (no offense Deuce). Do they expect women to read these men's mags. why not just put a hot ass women in men's underwear...that would grab our attention alot more...and talk about name association. thanks again Posted: 4/10/2006by: kayvon Again, I appreciate the recommendations. Also, there was an episode of Insomniac where Dave Attell went to some joint with a bunch of black chicks cursing out drunk yuppies. I was wondering if this place was worth the trip. Their Brats are amazing Posted: 4/10/2006by: Atlas It is hard to call the Rib-eye dog a hot dog, it is definitely a brat. They should have buffalo brats and others their. I promise they will not disappoint, they take their encased sausages VERY seriously. Since you are on a mission get a combo (Italian beef over a sausage) at Al's Italian Beef.
We also have more fine dining than I can even begin to mention but if you want some tips their don't be afraid to ask.
