HOUSTON, TX – Hurricane Katrina survivor and temporary Houston Astrodome resident Lulu Porter lost everything in the storm: her house, pets, personal possessions, car, and even her dignity. Now Porter faces losing something else, albeit a bit more temporary- her ability to walk on her big toe.
Lulu was carted off the artificial turf of the Astrodome during the second half of Reverend Jesse Jackson’s stadium address. She has been added to FEMA’s growing Injury Report (IR) with a moderate case of “turf toe”.
Turf toe is a condition of pain at the base of the big toe, caused by either jamming the toe, or pushing off repeatedly when jumping and running. The ailment is common among athletes who play on artificial turf and hurricane refugees who are forced to survive on that same hardened surface. The injury has also been attributed to long hours of standing around, waiting for aid, and not really knowing what the hell to do.
In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, officials feared the spread of disease through the brackish water that flooded New Orleans. However, they overlooked the potential safety hazard of herding thousands of New Orleans refugees onto the artificial turf of the Louisiana Superdome and Houston Astrodome. The result: an impending turf toe epidemic.
Suffered by athletes and hurricane victims alike
On-site doctors have reported that Porter’s case is not limited to the survivors in the Astrodome; turf toe has also run rampant through the media members covering the hurricane survivor stories in the Astrodome. This is due in part to media crews wind-sprinting around the stadium in an attempt to capture sound/video bytes from arriving politicians and celebrities.
“We’ve been treating media crew members from all over the country,” said medic Dr. James Richman. “They came to Houston prepared with food, water, and some other staples- but I have yet to see anyone with the necessary footwear for this turf. All of these hotshot reporter types don’t understand that their knock-off Italian dress shoes can leave their big toes vulnerable to this surface. Turf toe can’t be fully prevented, but wearing stiff-soled athletic shoes certainly won’t hurt’em.”
As expected, all major health insurance providers are shirking their responsibility to cover the tattered hurricane victims. In the same semantic way that insurance coverage is only rewarded for “storm damage” and not “flood damage”, the insurance companies are willing to compensate for “storm related injuries” and not “storm related injuries due to displacement”.
FEMA advisor William Bates warns, “People don’t understand the implications of this growing epidemic. There could be hundreds, even thousands of people limping to the unemployment lines, and possibly for the rest of their lives.”
If you would like to help the turf toe afflicted folks in the Astrodome, please donate acceptable footwear and athletic tape to your local Red Cross.
Amazingly crappy article Posted: 9/29/2005by: Hope Of course you lost interest after the second sentence. How can you get into an article about some refugee who got turf toe in the Astrodome when the picture of the Astrodome in the article shows there wasn't any turf there?
Geez, why not just completely fuck it up and show a picture of the Superdome where no one was allowed on the turf?
Bleh Posted: 9/29/2005by: matt Okay. An Suggs what a god damn let down, hopefully Droughns can carry the dead weight. I agree Posted: 9/29/2005by: heavy73 Turf Toe is no laughing matter. Amazing Article!!!!! Posted: 9/29/2005by: Stu P Amazing in that I lost interest after the second sentence. funny stuff, man Posted: 9/29/2005by: Mortimer Ichabod Thanks for sharing, J-Smoove. Very helpful and constructive.
Funny stuff, Jordan. I hear Lee Suggs has been shipped to New Orleans to share his expertise on the matter with the afflicted. With his help, those people might get healthy enough to sprain an ankle.
