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In his mid-70's and still a man's man
Robert Evans, producer of The Godfather, Chinatown, and Rosemary's Baby, is carried on the stage by two blond, beautiful, and topless Amazonian-sized women. He is set down in a chair made of albino Chinchilla fur and faces a theatre filled with 500 desperate-looking men. They are all there to be taught, "How to Get Laid 101," by the infamous Hollywood womanizer. Though his skin is like leather behind his signature gold-framed sunglasses and his comb-over reaches absurdity, Evans is as spry as ever.
"Let's cut through the bullshit. We all know why you're here. You're a bunch of spineless nobodies who shit yourselves when a beautiful woman even threatens to make eye contact with you. I'm here because I'm the guy who goes home with that beautiful woman and takes a shit on her. It's called a Cleveland Steamer, boys. Can your quivering brains even begin to grasp how incredibly smooth a man has to be for a beautiful woman to allow him to leave a steaming pile on her chest?
"I've been with thousands of women. Diane Keaton - before she was old - Mia Farrow - before she was old . . . You've heard of the "casting couch?" Well, in my office I don't have a couch, just a king-size, circular bed made of Peruvian velvet that rotates, vibrates, and emites a vapor that kills STDs on contact. I laugh at AIDS. I don't wear condoms. Do you think Zeus wore condoms? Fuck no. I have 237 illegitimate children that I know about and I don't pay for a goddamn one.
"What the hell am I doing here with you losers then? Simple, money. I've fallen in a little bit of a slump at the box office: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, The Out-of-Towners? Horrible pictures. I'm on my seventh wife. She spends money faster than a coked-up Francis Ford Coppola in a wine, cheese, and whore store. So I figure I can milk you computer nerds and rocket scientists for a few bucks."
A slight man with boils on his skin stands. In his best tough voice says, "I don't appreciate you calling us computer nerds and rocket scientists. I work at a video rental store."
Evans yells, "What's your name, faggot?"
She was a zygote when he was 40, but she's still another notch on his extended bedpost
The man's attempt to be tough is immediately crushed. He gives up and answers, "Freddy Goldstein."
"Ah, God fuck no! No wonder you're not getting laid with a name like that. Women love Jew power, but they hate remembering you're a Jew. I was born with the name, Robert J. Shapera. Do you think I would have covered a naked Annette Benning with melted Godiva chocolate while Warren Beatty cried and masturbated in the corner with that Jew name? Hell, no. Bob Evans, it takes a gentile name like that for women to let their guard down. That makes it easier to slip 12 lines of Ecstasy up their nose. Other questions?"
A portly man stands and projects from the back, "What if you have trouble talking to women because the oil your body produces smells like a pile of burning tires?"
"Listen my wide friend, stop whining about your horrible body odor, which by the way is absolutely atrocious. I can smell it all the way up here. I thought the Michelin man was fucking a skunk. But still that's no excuse for not getting laid every night by a different beautiful woman or extremely-convincing transvestite. I once had three strokes in two days. The right side of my body was left completely paralyzed. Still, over those two days I had rough, rodeo-style sex with four 6-foot Nordic women. They rode me like a Viking ship caught in a Apocolypse-sized gale and pulled into port many of times to rape and pillage the villagers . . . if you know what I mean. No, seriously, does anyone know what I mean? I got lost in my own analogy."
In his younger years, he gave swimming (& intercourse) lessons to 14 year old girls
A young man in a Dodgers baseball cap and T-shirt advertising the movie, Clerks, stands and asks, "Where you involved at all in the creative light filters that Coppola decided to use while filming the restaurant murder vendetta . . ."
Evans cuts him off, "A film student! Quick they're the only people weaker and with egos more fragile than your own, Nerds. Jump him, beat him, he doesn't belong here and it will give you all a false sense of confidence that may even last until tomorrow morning. That's it for tonight. Next class will be held at the bar in the Ritz Carlton. Make sure to bring extra money so you can buy Papa Evans plenty of drinks."
As inhalers and bifocals are thrown aside, the nerds converge on the lone film student as Evans is carried off stage in a rickshaw pulled by two topless Asian women.
1st, great article... and while i've enjoyed all of your posts, congrats on this being the 1st one that wont make all of the readers want to kill you. keep 'em coming.
JP
Greatness
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Post #: 3
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Posted: 11/21/2005 10:18:33 AM
Hilarious. If you haven't listened to the audio book version of his autobiography, you have not lived. (I know that stain Patton Oswalt mentions it in his act, but it's still great). This channeled the energy that is Robert Evans in all his Cleveland Steaming glory.
STEVE
RYAN
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Posted: 11/21/2005 10:19:26 AM
Seems you know quite a bit about these meetings there Rocky Dennis. There were a couple of funny one-liners, but overall you can file it in your already full "Shitty Articles" folder. I doubt that I'm alone in saying Who the Fuck is Bob Evans anyway? Oh well, I wasn't expecting much outta you anyway.
Atlas
That was fucking hilarious
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Posted: 11/21/2005 10:56:01 AM
I could hear his voice the whole way through. Watch "The Kid Stays in the Picture", and then read the article again. Great stuff.
Deez Nutz
Steve, you moron
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Posted: 11/21/2005 11:00:51 AM
If you don't know who Robert Evans is, you deserve to be kicked in the nutz repeatedly while simultaneously tea-bagging R.Kelly as you get "mudded" by the 7th floor crew, you moron!
Evans gives quite a range of material to draw from, so this story could've been better...but still relatively funny.
Eugene
Very funny
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Posted: 11/21/2005 11:16:14 AM
"They rode me like a Viking ship caught in a Apocolypse-sized gale and pulled into port many of times to rape and pillage the villagers . . . if you know what I mean."
This was a great, incoherent line that made me laugh out loud, but then, for some inexplicable reason you completely ruined it by saying that you "got lost in your own analogy". That's a comedy faux pas, bud. You NEVER qualify a crazy son of a bitche's rant.
Great piece!
I agree, no one knows who Robert Evans is.
matt
NICE!
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Posted: 11/21/2005 11:48:58 AM
The nordoic ship anaolgy got me too.
Is that giorl in the last picture the chick from The Getaway (Steve Mcqueen version not the paltry baldiwn tripe)
Christine
I like you Ryan
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Posted: 11/21/2005 11:56:28 AM
I don't get why you get so much hate mail. Keep up the good work!!!
Mack
Robert Evans raped me!
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Posted: 11/21/2005 12:09:12 PM
But no one will ever believe me. Because it's Robert "F-ing" Evans. The guy is a legend. And legends don't go to prison for rape. They become icons. If any posters don't know who this cat is... do a little research and find out. The article captured Robert Evans' vibe pretty damn well.
And yes, the last photo is of Ali McGraw, one of Evans' wives, who ditched him for Steve McQueen. McQueen was not a rapist.
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