 | So tempting... |
There are many tragedies in our modern world: the oppressed populations of Communist China, the starving masses in sub-Saharan Africa, and the entire nation of Iraq, afraid to shop in crowded markets. Because of this, I doubt there are many who can sympathize with my personal problems, which admittedly pale in comparison. But I would be remiss not to mention one thing that really troubles me: anal sex is hard work!
Ive been seeing this girl for a while. The sex is top-notch; I havent been this satisfied since I discovered the pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation. Top, bottom, reverse-cowboy, doggy-style; whatever I ask for she is more than willing to provide. But man was born with a mind that aspires to explore the limits of land, sea, space, and the female orifices. I embraced the dreamer inside of me and eventually worked up the nerve to ask for anal.
I got the stock response that Ive heard from every woman I ask:
I tried it once with my last serious boyfriend and I didnt like it. It hurt so bad that he had to take it out.
(Its unbelievable how many women say the exact same thing. How do they all know the same answer? Im going to start watching Oprah to see if she signs off each show with a "Price is Right"-like public service announcement: Remember girls, if your man asks to go top shelf on you, tell him it hurts too much.)
Anyway, Im not trying to hear that shit, so I immediately move to plan B: get her hammered. After eight Bacardi Breezers and half a Vicodin (I told her it was Advil) she tells me shell think about it.
We get back to my place and shes almost passed out. That wont do, so I brew some coffee and make her drink half the pot. While Im waiting for her to polish that off, my roommate gets home with some uni-browed skeezer that looks and smells like shes been beaten with a 70 lb. tuna.
 | Your parents have it right. |
It takes me another half-hour to convince them to give me a little privacy. Finally I give them $15 to go to Dennys for a couple hours. Her eyes light up like she just got a Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas. I hope he sobers up and notices her goatee with the matching stache in the middle of dessert. But I digress.
We finally get to screwing around and she is freaking me like never before; it is definitely go-time. I make my move and she starts to complain.
That hurts. You have to work it first...
 | What I have to deal with. |
Ill make a long story short here. First, I had to some prep work to get it loose. Then I had to steal my roommates hand lotion to lube it up (hell have to raw-dog his way through next months Victorias Secret catalogue). It was less than effective as a lubricant so it had to be reapplied every couple minutes. After all that hard work, it all felt suspiciously like regular sex.
When we wake up the next day, my room looks like an interrogation cell in Abu Gharib. My sheets look like they were used as the infield tarp of a baseball diamond, the bed smells like a White Castle dumpster in an August heat wave, and you should hear the bitching coming from her mouthI wont be getting laid for at least a week.
I put up with enough of her shit just to get some pussy, so take it from me when I tell you that anal sex is not worth the effort. If you still want to give it a try, do it at the girls place, that way you can fuck up her quilt instead and skip out at first light, before she wakes up and starts complaining about how she is going to spend all day on the shitter.
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