ITHACA, NY—Bill Palmer spent his Saturday morning covering up his mistakes from the previous evening. His first move upon waking up was to force the departure of his 185-pound companion sprawled across the double bed.
“I must’ve blacked out at O’Reilly’s last night” Palmer told reporters, “because there’s no way I would ever bring home a slam-pig like that. I can’t figure out what happened and frankly, I don’t want to know.”
The floor of his bedroom revealed evidence of the frightening possibilities. Clothes were strewn about, empty Trojan wrappers littered the floor, and one half-eaten burrito rested on the windowsill: all signs pointed to fornication.
Palmer shook the unnamed girl and told her that she had to leave. When she tried to go back to sleep, he told her that his parents were on their way in from Virginia to visit.
“Yeah that was total bullshit, but it works every time. There was no way I was gonna let my roommates catch me with her.”
The only way out
His fear was heightened by an incident two weeks prior, when roommate Mike Trinkman bedded a red-haired, buck-toothed sophomore he met in line at the local Taco Bell. She ended the night by drinking half a bottle of Heinz Ketchup and passing out in the shared apartment living room, naked from the waist-down.
“I didn’t want to become the apartment joke like Trinkman. We ragged on him so much he stopped sleeping here for a few days… the only reason he came back is because our landlord wouldn’t let him out of his lease. He’s put up signs around campus trying to sublet his spot here for half what he pays.”
Palmer escorted the still unnamed young woman down the fire escape of the twin-level house, telling her that his parents were very conservative and could be waiting for him in front of the building.
Parachute panties
Continued Palmer: “She asked if she could call me later, so I told her my name was Jim and gave her the first number that popped into my head: Pepe's Pizza. I’m surprised her fat ass didn’t recognize it.”
When pressed about his drinking habit, Palmer was surprisingly open with reporters, boldly stating that he was “never going to touch Jagermeister again.”
After debriefing reporters, Palmer returned to his room to take “a couple rips from the binger” and tried to sleep it off. His secret lasted another 2 hours, when roommate Patrick Keys woke up and discovered a pair of Lane Bryant size 22 panties on the floor of their shared bathroom.
well written Posted: 10/21/2005by: elliot Good work. It's well-structured and it contains enough of the universal truths associated with slamming a beat chick that it's both relavent and nostalgic. Or maybe I have just slammed too many beat chicks. Either way, nice job. the importance of research Posted: 10/13/2005by: michelle There's no way a girl who weighs 185 is a size 22. Try 250. fat girls Posted: 10/13/2005by: seadog always seem to think they aren't as fat as they are. especially when they are drunk. Or, especially when they notice a bunch of hot tight-bodied females in the bar. I kinda feel bad for them. I mean, they generally have a stench. They can't get themselves into any remotely good sexual positions and what they usually end up saying they are the best at is "head." Duh, they should be good at head considering the amount of food they take into their throats each day. But, to bang? Only on one condition: boredom. Period. or if you're fat too.....then you really don't have a choice unless you're willing to pay. Good shit Posted: 10/13/2005by: Joe Kickass Solid all around today. B. Walz Posted: 10/13/2005by: is a liar Your story was so ridiculous. Why if you were banging some girl in her room and putting her furniture in front of her door, were your friends coming to her house and trying to get into her bedroom, but then you had to leave through the window to go home. Was that also your girlfriend from Canada? how pathetic. amazing article. Posted: 10/13/2005by: albanian guy This is the icing on the cake today,every article was good. Best line of the day
"slam-pig"
Holy shit OK Posted: 10/13/2005by: HMK Very descriptive and definitely made me cringe with embarrassment for the poor sucker. thanks Posted: 10/13/2005by: Dave C I'm glad people like it. A lot of this is based on experience. Seems like the hookups that I would least like to remember always manage to leave a souvenir behind, i.e. panties, earrings, shoes.
Thankfully I've never been peed on by one of these women (that I know of).
1st floor perks Posted: 10/13/2005by: matt Wrangled a pigwoman one night. I slept on the 1st floor of a 3 story house. Unofrtunatkey my room was right by the kitchen, and my roomates were uo making breakfast, there was only one recouse out the iwndow, she seemed a little put out, but i think she got over it. Good article by the way, I think Thursdays are solid dyas as well. Thursdays Posted: 10/13/2005by: Patrick There might be a pattern here. I think that Thursdays have strong line-ups. Then again, I could be full of shit.
