If you're not hard right now you're probably not straight.
NEW YORK, NYContrary to popular opinion and prevailing belief, premature ejaculation is not the sign of a bad lover but instead it is natures method of measuring masculinity. According to scientists at Columbia University, men who ejaculate within the first minute of vaginal, oral, or hand stimulated intercourse are 97% more heterosexual than the rest of the male population.
In an exhaustive study involving over 1,000 heterosexuals, findings indicated that men who released their batter the quickest did so not because they are pathetic losers that cannot please a woman, but instead because they love pussy so much more than anyone else.
Scientists tested men that lasted 30 minutes or longer during vaginal intercourse and concluded that these once highly regarded males are totally gay.
After further scrutiny of these high endurance subjects, we began to notice some tendencies, concluded Dr. Michael Lawrence, a world-renowned sexual researcher at Columbia, Most of these men dont like football. They have little to no body hair, spray-on tans, and some even faked orgasms so they could get home in time to catch reruns of Will and Grace.
In order to further prove their hypothesis, researchers asked the longer lasting men to fornicate in the observation room again, this time with a large screen above the bed showing the volleyball scene from Top Gun on a continuous loop.
Looping the film turned out to be quite unnecessary, Dr. Lawrence continued, the vast majority of these men finished their sessions within 3 minutes, proving beyond any doubt that they are indeed homosexuals.
The iceman can go ALL night
Not that theres anything wrong with that.
At the opposite side of the spectrum were the premature ejaculators. Their increased virility, testosterone, and total infatuation with female vagina are demonstrated by a short time span in achieving climax.
A few participants were finished before my clothes even hit the floor, explained Sara Roberts, a local student hired to help conduct field testing. One guy came in his pants when I grabbed his hand to take him into the observation room.
Premature ejaculators across the country were ecstatic to hear the good news. Men across the country once ashamed of their unwanted hard-ons began displaying them proudly, flying them as flags of unmatched manliness.
New York resident Richard Leary recently splooged himself in the middle of a lap dance at an area gentlemans club. But this time he did not scurry off to the bathroom to clean himself and silently weep as per his usual routine. Instead he showed his cum-stained Dockers to every stripper in the bar, and was envied and respected by all.
I cant wait to call my ex-girlfriend and tell her how wrong she was about me, said Leary, And also tell her that her new boyfriend that fucks her all night is a total queerbag.
why is that in _fake_ news? Posted: 1/16/2006by: jonas why?
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Dr Posted: 12/5/2005by: Luc You all are very pathetic. You know who you are. Posted: 11/24/2005by: Hink Now many thought that the quik nut was bad, un-manly, men then did what they had to, drank a fucking ton and made their dicks numb, Fucked a fat girl and could not nutt. Many tricks are in a mans arsenal, but one way you know if your a fag, when you have to go anal to bust.. Dude Rick is GAYYYY! Posted: 11/24/2005by: adam For real, Rick you are fucking gay. Great article Posted: 11/17/2005by: matt Too funny. I think women should take it as a compliment when I nut on their stomachs before throwing it in there. Rick Posted: 11/14/2005by: Mitch No shit retard, these are called "jokes." This is a comedy site not the fucking Journal of Medicine. Yeah, Sure Posted: 11/13/2005by: Rick Ok first off, this is the most subjective article that I have ever read.
Premature ejaculation is not a method of gauging your masculinity, but rather an assurance of having the continuance of the next generation of human beings. Place youself in the shoes of an earlier human, pehaps that of hunter gatherers or the pre-evolutionary forms of man. The hurried rate of ejaculation makes for a better chance of egg fertilization before some outside force comprises it, like attack from wild animals or other competing males. Its all part of survival of the fittest. Joe Kickass Posted: 11/10/2005by: Adam Dude, i don't if you're a card carrying member to NAMGLA, but last i heard it was never cool to experience underaged vagina, unless you, yourself are underaged... And i assume you're 37. My part Posted: 11/10/2005by: Joe Kickass As a participant in the study, I discovered some interesting things about myself. It turns out I love Asian vagina more than white vagina, lasting only half as long in foreign lands. Also, as this was in the name of scientific progress, I was allowed to freely try out underaged vagina without fear of legal ramifications or shotgun weilding fathers. As cool as it sounds, blood and tears don't make for good sex. Dear GRB Posted: 11/9/2005by: Holmes No, any woman that takes more than 5 minutes to cum isn't into women. She just isn't int GRB. No more research necessary.
