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Snake Eyes!
Congratulations, I guess! Acknowledgment is the first step toward recovery (both mental and physical). I understand how you may be feeling. Sharting is frowned upon in many cultures and the stigma that comes along with being known as a sharter can be paralyzing. Maybe you're feeling a little down, a little embarrassed, perhaps even a bit worthless. Nonsense! There are literally hundreds of documented instances in which sharting proved not only to be a cogent solution to a particular social, scientific and/or economic dilemma (one story holds that the economist Adam Smith, upon returning from an embarrassing "spill" at a Paris bistro in 1766, emerged from the toilette with most of the key elements that inform his concept of the "Invisible Hand" firmly in place) but also played a large part in shaping popular culture.
A brief anecdote: I recall a brief encounter with Ringo Starr in which he informed me that a shart was initially the source of the Beatles breakup. "Yeah," he slurred in his Liverpudlian way. "It was during the Abbey Road sessions. We all thought John was rushing off to go see Yoko and lie around nude with her in Central Park to protest The Crimean War. John just threw down his guitar and ran out of the studio, like he'd do sometimes. Well, Paul got fed up and cursed John and Yoko and threw down his bass and said he quit. George threw an ashtray and said he was going to find either religion or some really good hashish. I threw a few bits of leftover cod lying around but I didn't really know what I wanted to do, so I just kept throwing cod at my drum kit the rest of the afternoon...
Anyway, it was like 5 years later and John confessed that he hadn't barreled out of the studio to see Yoko; he'd been in a really great groove and when he crashed an E chord, he gambled and lost in a big way. But that was John, you know? He'd be so swept up in the moment, he'd never tuck tail and sit on the bowl if there was any doubt. But Paul, Jesus--he'd leave a session just to sit down and pee. I mean, "Yesterday?" That's a sit-down-to-pee little ditty by Paul. "Revolution?" Hell, that's all John. All passion and at least three sharts during the take. You can actually hear one at the tail end of the 'Chairman Mao...' lyric. Paul and George Martin, our producer, wanted to edit it out, but John said, 'Fuck it--that's rock and roll.' I just wish John hadn't left that day. I don't know why he didn't just acknowledge it like before. I guess we'd grown apart. That was the end of the Beatles."
People, sharting affects us all, and I aim to provide a few tips to make the whole process go just a little bit easier for everybody. As you can see, if executed appropriately, sharting can have palliative effects that transcend both time and place. Why is it that one mans sharting burst of inspiration is another man just kind of sitting there with a bunch of shit in his pants? How can we know what route to take after our bowels have taken a decided route toward brown town? Look, I don't want to see the world go the way of The Beatles. Call me a toilet-half-full kind of guy, but I have hope for us. For all of us. Please, refer now to the following suggestions to get a clearer idea of why and how we shart and what we can do about it locally and globally.
Why We Shart
It probably has something to do with laziness, substance abuse or a hostile set of bowels. Perhaps we're frustrated. Maybe we crave attention. It occurs to me that this question is better left as a kind of Zen-like enigma, similar to asking the question, "If a tree falls in the forest, why can't it land on Rosie O'Donnell?" This may be one of those mysteries that we will unfortunately never solve.
How We Shart
As the wall of the rectum expands, stretch receptors from the nervous system cause an increase in intrarectal pressure, which in turn...Wait. Does this really need an explanation? If you're reading this, perhaps you've either just got a love of obscure Beatles trivia or you're sitting there with an unwanted dispatch of poop in your drawers, or both (If both, come visit my match.com profile, username: StrawberryFields_OhNoWillYouExcuseMeAMoment). There are more urgent matters at hand.
Population: You
What You Can Do
Don't let the shart work against you. Sometimes it behooves us to just walk/run away. Other instances provide opportunity for growth and self-reflection. Let me provide a few scenarios to differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate sharting behavior:
1. You've plied that minx in accounting with enough liquor to sleep with you. It's an all-night affair back at her place. You've managed to stay out of three-pump-chump territory and the condom only sort of half-broke. You watch her as she sleeps (no, not like fucking Jeffrey Dahmer--nice, romantic like). You rest your head against the pillow to contemplate this rare, beautiful moment in life. She'll never hear it. Maybe you just try and sneak a little fart out, careful to aim it away from your dozing damsel and...DAMNIT! You've sharted. What do you do? Hightail it out of there? Not the worst move, but think about it: You've put time and effort into this; you can imagine one day asking this woman to meet you behind an Olive Garden while your wife shops at Banana Republic. This could be the beginning of something serious. Take a deep breath and collect your thoughts.
Tyler you've done a great job of immortalizing the shart's perilous knife’s edge uncertainty between catastrophic failure and incredible fortune.
What should also be pointed out is the first literary reference to a shart as it was penned in circa 345 BC. In Aristotle’s "Metaphysics" he rejected the Platonic theory of forms, and instead defended his own vision of ultimate reality; which includes the eternal existence of 'substance.' …that 'substance', of course, the result of a shart.
Aristotle's vital lesson lives on throughout our human existence, and is proven so through the words of Franz Kafka, "My fear...is my substance, and probably the best part of me."
Posts: 452 Rank: 26 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 6/20/2007 9:36:44 AM
Funny shit! (PUN!)
I have never read such an intelligently written article about such an unintelligent subject. I am amazed by your abilities Tyler. The time it takes to read is worth it. Thanks for making my morning better.
Jesus-titty-fucking-Christ! That was ridiculous! When I awoke this morning I resolved to do two things:
1. Tivo the Maury show so I don't miss "Help! My Pregnant Teen Is Frightened of Clothing and for Some Reason Can't get a Tattoo that's Spelled Correctly - Bootcamp Update"
and...
2. Read a two-page tome about sharting.
I applaud you, Tyler Smith, for making my dream come true. Too bad I forgot to set the fucking Tivo.
Posts: 2 Rank: 290 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Arlington, VA
Posted: 6/20/2007 11:03:37 AM
Tyler, your commentary on the luxury of skyscraper bathrooms is dead on. Ditching my "gambling losses" in a marbleized sanctuary is infinitely better than staggering around the "Truxtop" outside of Weimer, TX looking for a shrub to duck behind.
Also..."buy her a puppy and squeeze it under the door while she's at work. Then she'll see who's being dishonest." So True, Brother.
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