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Inconceivable!
In one of my recent bouts with insomnia I watched the 1981 movie 'My Dinner with Andre' staring Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory. In it - a rational man and a philosophical man have dinner, ponder their spiritual nature, contemplate the direction of society and stiff the waiter. It was a moving and humanizing experience that made me really... Aw, Fuck it. There is no plot. Two guys eat dinner together. Oh, there's also a waiter. Then end. But it made me wonder - if I could share a meal with anyone else, ever, who would I care to share said meal with?
This is a question that can really make you look like an imbecile if you answer it wrong. Recently, former Colts cheerleader and Playboy model Lisa Perry indicated in her Playboy interview that she would like to have dinner with 19th century feminist icon and Quaker minister - Lucretia Mott. That is a perfect example of some bimbo trying to look intelligent and falling flat on her airbrushed face.
For instance many people say that they would like to have dinner with Jesus, but that's just crazy talk. Granted that whole water to wine thing would come in handy, but if he kept doing the Loaves & Fishes bit, it would get old. Besides, He's the Son of God and can read your mind, so I don't think it would go so well:
Me: Jesus Christ this food is... I mean Goddamn... I mean... um... These pork chops are absolutely divine your... holiness?
Jesus: Toque my son, you're not hungry anymore. Your just upset that this dinner is so much and don't want me to have the last piece so you're willing to force it down. That's greed and gluttony - 2 out of 7 my son.
Me: Yeah. Ok. Sorry Jesus.
Jesus: Now you're really regretting having dinner with me. You wish you would have had that fantasy dinner with Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson instead. That's lust, my child. 3 out of 7.
Me: No! That's not it all! I was just ... you know, day-dreaming.
Jesus: Oh yes, 'day-dreaming'. I'm very familiar with your 'day-dreams' my son. Drifting off during the middle of Mass. Gazing at my mother - the Virgin Mary of all people, pondering if she was 'shaved or un-shaved'. Looking at my loin cloth on the crucifix and wondering if I was 'swinging some pipe'. Thinking Mary Magdalene must have been a good lay if she was in the bible.
Me: Hey now. Talk to your dad about that shit. He gave me free will - I can't help that stuff. Besides, I went to confession alright. Look - I gotta be someplace. Check! (Waiter brings check)
Jesus: Humph. Now you've just realized that you don't have enough money for a proper tip, so you're going to badly under-tip and justify it by complaining about the waiter. I can't believe I died for you. Dick.
Then there is the ever-present temptation to have the fantasy dinner with the women of your dreams. But that can go terribly wrong as well. Because even if you got to have dinner with them, there is little chance they will be even remotely interested in you:
Jessica Biel: So you have Aristotle's idea that man is basically noble, and capable of organizing his own society and achieving his own individual happiness and dare I juxtapose Maslow here and say he gains some element of self actualization, whereas Plato finds man to be inherently undisciplined and savage and in need of firm order. His life is expendable in the pursuit of all 'higher goals' which we know to be imperialism, as all 'higher' orders and governments end in oligarchy -
Scarlett Johansson: I think there are some fallacies in that logic there. Self-actualization is a dangerous concept in that what we wish to do may not be what we're best at, and then we harm commerce by not doing what we're best at. However, I'm struck by the parallels to classical Christianity. There's a passage in Jeremiah that indicates that it is not up to man to direct his own steps, indicating that he defer the general direction of his life. Genesis indicates that man's inclination is bad. Also, Titus encourages Christians to be subject to their respective governments until such time that theocracy should occur. That sounds Platonian to me.
Jessica: Toque? Are you okay?
Me: Yeah. It's just... this wasn't quite what I expected, you know?
Scarlett: But I don't understand? You wanted dinner and we're having dinner. It isn't my sweat-suit, is it? All the tops that expose my magnificent ivory breasts are at the dry cleaners. Besides I didn't really feel like doing my hair and apparently beanies are this year's trucker hats.
Jessica: I know what you mean. I was going to wear this full length dress that hugged my fantastic curves but I realized just when I was going to leave that it was practically translucent and exposed my toned, flawless skin. I mean - if people really wanted to see that stuff they could just go on the internet. Any number of websites or message boards has pictures of us posted all over just so people will see it and read whatever shit some pervert posted.
Me (disappointed): Oh.
Scarlett: You didn't simply assume there was going to be some sort of threesome did you? Maybe after a couple too many and some scintillating conversation Jessica and I would cover ourselves in baby oil and then rub our breasts against each other until our nipples stood up like Hershey kisses? Slowly working our soft hands over one another's supple skin and tingling neither regions. You didn't think just because you got us in the same room and gave us a few drinks that we were going to forget about our real lives and spend a night slumming with you, did you?
Me: What? Don't be silly. I'm better than that. Pfff.
Scarlett (hugging me): Of course you are! You're such a good friend! You're like one of the girls.
Jessica: Well, not 'one of the girls', but definitely like a little brother or at least a gay cousin. I feel so relaxed around you. Normally; when I go to dinner with a man, I have to dress up, act all sexy, put on makeup, and not pick my nose, but I feel at home around you. By the way, what's that in your pocket?
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Me: It's, um... It's baby oil.
So I put some thought into it as well as asking a couple people about their choices. A majority of people I asked would like to have a dinner with people of influence and power. So:
Bill Clinton (talking around a mouth of food): Man, dis some good ribs. Pass the cornbread.
Me (passing cornbread): Look, I know you're one of the most popular Presidents in recent memory, and the Democrats haven't exactly made good decisions in a while - but you did more damage to your own party than anyone since Jimmy Carter.
Bill (still talking around a mouth of food): How ya figure?
Me: I'm not talking about boning the chubby chick. Believe me - I have no room to talk. But it's the Telecommunications Act you signed in 1996. You allowed individual companies to monopolize radio and increase the amount of television stations they owned. Didn't you realize that most media companies were owned by Republicans? Didn't it occur to you that now they would be able to give one-sided coverage in their favor?
Look what they did to you. How many times did I have to watch you waving that God-knows-where-it's-been finger saying, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." huh? If I was you - I would have just gone up there and said, "I banged her okay. I banged her like a gong. Now how 'bout that economic surplus."
Remember Howard Dean's scream? He was in a roomful of screaming supporters and he was trying to fire them up. They took that footage and edited it to make him look like he completely flipped his shit. Then they replayed the clip over 1000 times that week. They assassinated a perfectly good candidate and they did it with the monopoly that you gave them. John Kerry? Nancy Pelosi? Your wife? They're getting hacked to pieces in the same way.
Bill: You gonna to eat them sweet potatoes?
Me: Also, what the fuck is up with the upcoming election? The Democrats couldn't win a state in the South with a white decorated Vietnam Veteran going up against a de facto draft dodger. Now you're going to ask them to pick between a woman with the personality of a menopausal petrified turd, and a black guy with a Muslim name? Why don't you just make Barney Frank the vice presidential candidate and go all out?
Bill: You're too uptight, buddy. I need to get you laid. I got some friends that are great for a good time. You know Scarlett Johansson?
Me (tightly): We... We've met.
You know, on second thought. These meals with anyone of your choosing could really go either way. I might have been wrong about the whole thing.
Me: Thanks for meeting me for lunch Lucretia. I don't know too much about feminism. But I gotta tell you - you look fantastic for two hundred and fifteen years old. You work out?
Lucretia Mott: Thank you so much, but no.
Me: Are you okay? You seem sort of uncomfortable?
Lucretia: Forgive my haste young man. After I leave your company this afternoon, I am to sup with Lisa Perry. She's quite a woman. I truly admire her. There's just something about her perfectly shaped torso and gravity defying bosom. If only more women were as free with their bodies as she, I think they would be a great deal happier.
Me: No shit.
2, 4, 6, 8, you can watch me masturbate.
Lucretia: I have given it some thought. I have given my life to the advancement of women, but there is one step I have yet to take. After she and dine, I shall take this ointment you call 'baby oil' with me and explore the crevices of her body with my probing fingers. I will taste the sweat from her shapely inner thighs. Our two bodies shall become as one.
Me: Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Garcon, check please!!! I'll get my jacket. And my video camera. You sure we got enough baby oil?
But I thought at first that you were talking about a movie that was about having dinner with Andre the Giant. Maybe because I saw the dude on the cover that played Vizzini(Wallace Shawn) in The Princess Bride.
Which would have been a lot more interesting than 2 regular dudes eating. The title sounds like it would be some sort of foreign porn.
Shit, Thats easy! In a hot second you better believe it would be none other than Briana Ba- .. My Fiancee! Uhh hmm... I thought you already left for work honey...
Posts: 260 Rank: 40 Joined:
2/20/2008
Location:
Overland Park, KS
Posted: 3/3/2008 10:18:46 AM
That was some good shit. You wait approximately 13 days for the next article, and then hammer Toque right out of the gate like he was your Nemesis while your roommate's kid listens outside your door. Unless of course you really did think it sucked...then never mind.
Liked the piece Toque, especially the part about wanting to invite Jesus. Spot on.
Well done Toque. Have to say though, Clinton won twice, Gore and Kerry full of excuses and steak knives.
Dinner with 5 people?
Orson Welles JFK Grace Kelly Louis Armstrong Henri Matisse
That would be just about perfect, in my opinion. Maybe we fire up a game about the 5 people you'd least like to have dinner with? Might be some good dunks.
Posts: 4281 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 3/3/2008 10:25:06 AM
I am joking. this article was awesome. it had everything it was supposed to. jokes, scenes, jesus cursing, titty pics. But most importantly it was posted by my internet best friend, so I'm going to be a little biased and say that its the best article posted this year.
Excellent job Toque and thank you.
Mr. Hyde- me and brothers say that all the time. That is was of the greatest sets ever captured on camera.
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