You Go Back To Looking Like This Once The Tequila Wears Off
Dear Molly,
I have kept my mouth shut too long. After last night's craziness, I have to say something. How many times have you done this to us? I like a guy, you get a little tipsy and the next thing you know you are rolling around his futon bed, choking me with his salami while I gag, getting invaded like a small Central American country, all the while wondering how in the hell we ever going to convince him you are a "nice girl" who deserves to be fed and invited to Thanksgiving Dinner.
Delphi gets 4.7 seconds of drunken pleasure and passes out, we go home, and the next day you are analyzing his moans over brunch with your girlfriends with no mention of my struggles, my needs or that itch. You never even ask me how I am doing! Well, it's time you start thinking about my feelings and my needs. After all, I have a soul.
You're Making Me Look like a Liar: It's not that I care about your lies about your sad little accounting job at Smart N Final or even how many drinks you've had, but when you tell him I have only had a few visitors, and he gets down here and sees you are lying, it makes me look bad. The three of us know I didn't get this tan from hours in the sun, nor do I maintain this bikini wax for my own benefit (its so cold!). We only have one chance at making a good impression here, and you need to learn to respect that.
Hey, Red Is Your Color
It Does Not Matter If You Have Never Done This Before, You Did It Now: Its like a murder, this whole sleeping around thing. You do it once, youre being convicted, and that just isnt fair, because you have made me an accomplice to this whole thing. I have class. I know to wait. I enjoy fine wine and good conversation! I didnt ask to be a part of this! The only thing a man thinks about when you leave his house after we leave a one-night stand is that he's glad he got laid and happy to be able to sprawl out on his bed without you wanting to be held or my drooling all over his sheets. So please, he does not want to hear your excuses or make you eggs, and he definitely does not want to cuddle you, you are just a dirty reminder of too many tequila shots; besides, what did I tell you? That is what a girlfriend is for! I wish I were HER vagina. Sorry. I did not mean that. Don't cry. Seriously, Ill make you eggs.
Hang up the phone, Let me do the talking: Once you dial and chat, you're annoying. Dial and hang-up, you have become psycho. Psycho makes men worry about things like rabbit-boiling and herpes tests, and it makes you act crazy and beat me to a pulp. Text messages are not allowed either. Reading involves effort and well, you know what we said about "strings."
Damn, an inability to comprehend here, huh? Who are you? President of the Dumb Ho Committee? Seriously.
He's not going To Call Us: I know you want him to call the number you leave on his nightstand, but what are you going to talk about, your favorite movie? Please. Your footprints are on his ceiling and his fingers have visited Sylvia Cervix. Besides, talking involves effort and efforts are "strings", as in "no strings attached." You've ruined any chance for me to be dressed in La Perla, and I really liked this guy. I hate you.
Please Carry Penicillin I'm starting to look like Keith Richards Face and my throat hurts. (Cough, Cough)
retarded assfuck monkey cock shit Posted: 11/15/2006by: boner christ that was fucking long and stupid.
thanks for killing my brain cells with this shit. Change tense a few times why don't you Posted: 3/9/2006by: ballshot This was one of the most wandering, indecipherable pieces of shit ever...good job. I agree with FU@FU Posted: 3/1/2006by: Smokey This story does make not one damn bit of sense. Uh Oh Posted: 3/1/2006by: Atlas Brenda, that last statement scares me. Shopping is America's worst addiction, believe that. Yes I am boring and that statement is nerdy, but I am on a crusade to turn this country around. So far I have succeeded in pissing women off everywhere, especially my wife who also thinks shopping is a sport. Her mother is the Tiger Fucking Woods of shopping also. I suck. Posted: 3/1/2006by: Brenda Della Casa You are HILARIOUS!
Bolmar Lanes....sigh. I am the WORST at all sports except shopping... Deuce Posted: 3/1/2006by: Christine My brother made me a shirt that read: Its only a game! I have yet to wear it, seeing as that expression is obviously for losers.
Brenda, Hi! were you at Chelsea Piers? That place is ridiculous. I am not a big bowler (hate the shoes) But I use to play pool there sometimes. I use to act all girly and stupid and then pull a Black Widow on their asses. Plus, it was an excuse to show off some cleavage. And we all know how I love doing that. The Land of 7.00 Beef Jerkey Posted: 3/1/2006by: Brenda Della Casa I was thinking, cool, low-key night out on the town...HELLO! I should have suspected as much being that milk is 4.25 for a half gallon. Yes, you read that correctly. Annoying.
Atlas: What would make you think I wrote this??? Really....WELCOME YVONNA :)
christine Posted: 3/1/2006by: deuce i had a beer helmet that said "i'm the best"
bowling: only bowl in college towns on "rock n' bowl nights" usually the going rates are: $2.50/ game $1.00/ shoes $4.00 pitchers of keystone. using the "keystone coefficient" (how many pitchers/number of frames) does it take for you to start bowling overhand. higher coefficients are encouraged, obviously. Ok Posted: 3/1/2006by: Atlas Who slipped me the acid at lunch, is my spelling/grammar that bad. Whoa, why are my chairs trying to eat my feet, hey quit it. Who said that. BDC Posted: 3/1/2006by: Atlas That sounds like the rate that alley's around here in Chicago charge. The alley in the Hard Rock Hotel is outrageous, although I cant remember the exact cost it was somewhere between $10 and $20 bucks a person. I personally suck a bowling, but it can be fun. Do question is did you write this. I know you would be writing under a pseudonym sooner or later, for good reason of course.
