Like that goody-goody snot, Brenda Della Casa, I recently attended a concert featuring Axl Rose and his GNR Cover band, when I found myself in an awkward position. There I was on the floor of the Hammerstein Ballroom, dancing like a Bon Jovi fan in my faux-rocker top and denim mini, when I suddenly had the urge to get up close and personal with the man whos face now looks like severely stretched silly putty.
Granted, I was loaded on concert piss-wine and too many Vladimir Red Bulls, but the more I drank, the more I wanted to run my fingers through his glued-on cornrows. By the time Sebastian Bach showed up on stage, I was ready to flash my funbags in old Lose Your Illusion-Style.
The next day, as I awoke in old make-up and with a head throbbing harder than Axls Johnson did for old Steph Seymour, I got me to thinkin who else would I go groupie for and what would it take? I mean, Joaquin could get a little lovin for less than a glass of water, but what if Vince Neil caught a glimpse of my gams and wanted a bit of nookie?
How much would it take? A shot? A glass of Jaeger?
I opened up a Colt 45 and pondered this very serious question. Below are my results.
Axl Rose Now, before the rose faded I would have given it up faster than Mr. Brownstone could hit the bloodstream but now, with his new burn-victim look, hed need to buy a few rounds.
2 shots of Jaeger, 1 mind-eraser and 1 Gin and Tonic (shot directly into the veins)
Jeremy Miller (Ben Seaver)
Poor Ben Seaver; even when he was on TV, he couldnt get laid. In the shadow of Kirk Cameron is a cold, cold place to live. Screetch was making more liver patties quiver at his skinniest.
Pity Screw would cost: 6 Margaritas, 2 Ciders, 2 shots of SoCo and Lime and a pint of Jungle Juice.
So sweet but you still need to get me loaded
Sebastian Bach
I promised him at 13, Even fat with thinning metal hair, Ill remember you. This is why 2 Jello Shots and a wink can make me ride my pink bike down Skid Row.
Jordon Knight from New Kids on the Block
I would never hook up with someone in a boy bandwhat kind of person do you think I am? Okay, who the fuck are we kidding. 3 glasses of Pinotbut I would never admit it.
Mick Jagger
2 bottles of Jack Daniels and a bottle of Valtrex for the herpes I am sure to get in my asserdid I say ass?
Or Keith Richards
2 bottle of Jack Daniels, 3 grocery bags and a blindfold. Dont judge me, dude. I saw the fat chick you banged at your frat party when your girlfriend was abroad. Youre no better. Any Member of Color Me Badd
I'll buy YOU drinks, just gimme your babies
These NKOTB knock-offs would get to sex me up for 3 Harry Buffalows and 2 Rufies and one right cross from Mike Tyson.
Gene Simmons
A dark, free room and an OBGYN table. Let's Rock and Roll, Baby!
myspace Posted: 5/18/2006by: Bitch Boy Ya, pretty much everyone is on myspace. Not sure why, it seemed cool at the time i guess. "Condom" Posted: 5/18/2006by: John Travolta Is what Pat Robertson does to the "hahma-sexuals." I thought condoms Posted: 5/18/2006by: That Guy were what you put on sandwiches and burgers. condoms Posted: 5/18/2006by: Keyser Soze are for vikings Joe K Posted: 5/18/2006by: Provo GREAT CALL...
Correct me if Im wrong, but I believe a 'condom' was a large wooden ship used in medeival times...
secondly, Im on MySpace too....although, I think people think less of me when they see how few friends I have on MySpace...Im goign to start on a fe MySpace help books.....'MySpace: Number of friends = selfworth', 'MySpace: How to increase your Friends', 'MySpace: How to Pick your Top 8'......those are just a few.....but i think i have a shot... Busy as shit today Posted: 5/18/2006by: Joe Kickass But I just saw the discussion, one question: What the fuck is a "condom"?
and Jesus, how many of the people here are on Myspace (I'm one, it looks like Christine, Milton, Bitch Boy, ect. are too)? Sadly... Posted: 5/18/2006by: Provo I dont think I am interested anymore.....but I guess I'll just have to man-up and do it anyway....
STRANGE is to men what Kryptonite is to Superman.....except you want to have sex with it....
it is true, that is whats so great about bachelorhood...STRANGE.....
I still stand by my previous posts.....Decent Head better than Marginal Sex WITH Condom......the STRANGE factor is applicable to both, so thats not a reason to pick one over the other, its more of the constant than the variable in this situation... Tom A Posted: 5/18/2006by: Milton had it right. Its like sending out a blast txt to see who wants to get together. The best one with the best response get the cake.
Strange is the power all single men have over married men. But, New pussy can't cook!!!
I'm out. Dire need of drinks and strange after todays discussion. C'Ya! HA!! Posted: 5/18/2006by: Provo THIS could nat have been any AWSOMER!! To quote a television show: "Listen to this...THIS is the awseome cherry on top of the awesome sundae that represents the AWESOMENESS that is my life!!!'
well, not so much my life, but def indicative of the scenario....SECONDS after I clicked 'Add Comment'..my cell blew up.....
I, however, LOVED everyones comments....KEYSER, in retrospect, I think realistically you were most accurate, either you, or all the reasons in the last line of Bitch Boy's post. Tom a - provo Posted: 5/18/2006by: Bitch Boy Tom A, you are probably right.
If she talked to provo several days before the day you were to meet, someone else may have "closed" in the mean time. Girls become more attached, at least for the short term, after a single hook-up. Conversely most guys can hook-up several times between, and still show up for pre-established plans....
