This whole Angelina/Brad Situation has really pissed a lot of women off.
And it's not because we give a shit about Jennifer Aniston's feelings either.
You know why every major women's magazine is covering their relationship down to how many times she sneazes? It's because that pretty bastard stole our ONE Lesbian fantasy and turned her into a fucking MILF.
A MILF!
What in the HELL are we supposed to do with her now? We don't want to hook up with moms? EW!
MILF's are not sexy to us ladies. We are not like you sick bastards; we don't close our office doors and sneak onto our girlfriends' computer for little Milfhunter.com breaks.
MILFS have had babies, and babies ruin lesbian fantasies. Babies get in the way of drug and alcohol-induced tickle fights. There can be no sharp objects with babies in the house.
The bottom line is our woman has cleaned up nice and turned into another suburban mother in love with Brad Pitt. And you know she was our woman to begin with.
Don't kid yourselves, boys.
You can put her on every men's magazine top 100 listyou want to, but those full lips would bring us out faster than you can say "Looks too much like Jon Voight."
And we'd let her. Think about it: How many times have you been out at a bar when some little drunk girl with a conservative little work sweater blurts out that she would get it on with Angelina Jolie If I were a lesbian?
Hell, how many times have I said it?
Angelina has always rated an 11 on the fuckability scale, no one doubts that. Until now. Until she became a Mia Farrow knock-off and grew a bump where knives used to trace out our names.
Oh dear, Ang, you used to bring out the desire to roll around atop breasts and play kissy, kissy girlie, girlie (but only once, because twice would make us lesbians and we dont like granola, hairy legs or cotton full-back panties).
What are we to do? Who will be on our "Get Off Penis Free" card now??? We have no choice but to annoint a new "If I were a Lesbian" President.
Please find the Candidates below.
Salma Hayek
Shes got that Sexy Mexican Earth Mother vibe, and did you see her tits in Frieda? Shes the kind of woman who would light candles and make us huevos rancheros in the morning. Hey, we like to eat too, you know?
She's hot but she's no you, Angie
Where wed Meet Her: Art Gallery, Film Festival, Wine Bar
Drea DeMatteo- Shes hard-looking and hot as a pistol. Shed definitely bend us over.
Where wed Meet Her:Any random bar in one of the Boroughs or visiting our cousin in NJ.
Gina Gershon- We would not fuck Gina because that would make us gay. That said, we might let her watch.
Where wed Meet Her: Shed be picking up cigarettes at the same convenience store you buy your condoms at.
Monica Belluci- Sexy, Italian and curvy. Unlike you guys, we can appreciate a full woman. However, shes a mom, so wed only let her play with our hair...until we drank too much Chianti by the fire.
Where wed Meet Her: In our dreams. Are you kidding? We dont hang out at places where women look like that. Out of our league.
Lucy Lu- This is the woman who would dress up, pull our hair and make us call ourselves whores. Like Gina, shes the boss, but unlike Gina, shes feminine enough to not make us worry we are dykes.
Where we would meet her: Trendy night spots, Kickboxing class
Janine (Without the Tattoos) - You have Jenna, we have Janine. Shes basically the hottest man we have ever seen without a penis.
Where we would meet her:At the strip club we go to in Vegas when you you think we're all having a spa weekend for Sara's Bachelorette Party.
Portia DRossi: We used to love her until she started dating Ellen. We love Ellen, but we cant fuck Ellens girlfriend. That might turn us gay.
Where we would meet her: At the Unemployment office.
Sienna Miller- Add booze, drugs, some pillows and youve got yourself a little college experimentation project!
Where we would meet her: While rushing for Alpha Eata Pi
Women wed Never Sleep With:
Jessica Simpson- We dont like dumb hos.
I guess she'll do.
Britney Spears-We dont want to catch anything
J.Lo-What an ass! Not to mention, her butts too big.
Scarlett Johanson- She would keep calling or worse, show up when we are out with our boyfriends and tell on us. Plus, she probably wears granny-panties.
more .. Posted: 3/15/2006by: deuce f' - anyone of the laguna beach chicks only if they let do atomic elbow drops or leg drops during coitus.
marry- "l.c." from laguna.. hottest of the bunch, killer pad.. sugar mama?
kill - adrienne curry.. "i'll give you 5 seconds to talk without whining.. BAM! too late." any member of real world / road rules cast. quit your fucking ass bitchin all the damn time. you get set up in a sick pad for 4 months. enjoy it. i can't wait til one of them actually dies on the show. On a lighter note Posted: 3/15/2006by: Christine I am off to the gym to make my ass a mite smaller for my new husband. Good night all. Fine Posted: 3/15/2006by: Milton I'm going to melt down all the Reese cups I can find and drown in my sorrow. My...sweet...chocolatey...and peanut buttery...gloriously gooey..sorrow.
Alas, I bid you adeu. Milton Posted: 3/15/2006by: Christine You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down. I know that now and that's why I am ending our cheesy relationship. Please, don't say anything. Don't you say a word. this hard enough already without you telling me I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy, don't you know I know that??? To give up cheezy marshmallow bliss, i must be out of my God damned mind. But it has to be this way. Dawn??? Posted: 3/15/2006by: Christine Well blow me down. .. literally. I didn't know you could read much less operate the internet. Where do find the time what with your four kids and constant stranger banging?
Honestly Joe, that would have been perfect until you fucked it all up. What a dick! HEY!! Posted: 3/15/2006by: Milton Damnit, Christine! We were supposed to get married and eat donuts off of each other! Remember, my little cheez whiz muffin????
Who am I going to get to cover me in marshmellow and peanut butter???
This sucks. Dammit Posted: 3/15/2006by: Joe Kickass I misspelled coat-room...I mean Dawn misspelled coat-room. Dumb whore. Dammit Posted: 3/15/2006by: Dawn, Christine's cousin Christine I don't appreciate you slandering me on here. I wouldn't give out bjs in the couat-room. Unless that handsome man Joe Kickass was there. Oh he gets me going. What a perfect man...
I promise this isn't Joe Kickass and it's actually Christine's cousin Dawn. That would be really pathetic, pretending to be someone else just to talk yourself up. I mean, just look at my email address, it says it all... Silly Atlas Posted: 3/15/2006by: Christine Of course you can dress up as a ghost at my wedding. I'm sure my uncle joey will even join you and then tell you that you'e a pussy and try to fight you, but fall instead.
All sorts of lovely quirks about my family, GZA. You'll get used to them, snookems. You might even get a beejer from my cousin dawn in the coat room of the reception hall. Keep your fingers crossed!!! Jessie Posted: 3/15/2006by: Atlas Superb call on Bynes, it wasn't two days ago I was letting my wife know that young Amanda is hot. I to could not fully confirm if she was 18, my wife then called me a pervert. Regardless she is hot.
Hey Christine and Gza can I come to the shindig. I promise to get to drunk and pretend I am a ghost by wearing a table cloth.
