You meet girl. You go on a few dates. You have that first kiss, hump until the sun comes up and before you know it shes somehow convinced you its a good idea to go exclusive.
Now, you would never cheat on her because, well, you really care about her, and that whole herpes outbreak on your roommates mouth scared the shit out of you.
The problem (and it always happens) is that just when things are going great youre your mom has given her stamp of approval (this only happens with non-Jewish mothers), Kate Beckinsale walks in and wants to bang you into next century.
What do you do?
Well, my friend, its simple.
You do what millions have done before you when in your situation; you pull out your laminated Top 5 Card, point out her name, smile and drop trou.
If shes okay with the fact that shes in the number two spot and you are okay with the fact that she keeps calling you Henry, everythings golden, because we all know that The List is a sacred document. Famous ding-a-lings and buttercups are part of your basic human rights.
Food, Water, Shelter and Celebrity Ass.
Welcome to the age-old loophole that is every committed man and womens way out. Its not cheating if your source for warm genitalia has been in US Weekly and you put their name on the list.
Lube me up with Lard, Big Daddy
This means that if Elizabeth Hurley shows up at Down-The-Hatch and offers to give you the Divine Brown of your life, you're safebut only if you have not replaced her with Jessica Simpson. Having sex with someone who used to be on your card is cheating.
This is why its great to have old-school, has-beens on your list. Alas, I once had Davy Jones on mine.
Note: They have to be celebrities, and you cannot be friends with them. Just because you saw your fraternity bro's mom on milfhunter.com does not mean you can put her on your list (but we can).
Girlfriend's sisters are prohibited.
Speaking of which, heres the Top Five that keep me going.
AL PACINO But his balls are grey and his penis looks like a cucumber in a third-world outdoor market, you say. Shut up, you jealous prick! I care not! This man can salt my pickle any day and you know why? Because hes the fucking Godfather and Scarface combined and no matter what anyone says, cocaine and murder are great ways to get womenas long as you wear a nice suit, are friends with dirty politicians and arent black or the kind of white that turns red in the sun. Then you are just Scott Peterson or OJ and they soooo didnt make the list.
JOAQUIN PHOENIX Nothing says "I will overcompensate" like a cleft lip and a gut. Besides, that whole dirty south thing has gotten me going since I first saw The King with a greasy PNB sandwich. Come to mama, you sweaty little chub. There is something about the smell of Colt 45 and fried Okra that will get a nice Yankee girl to scream Daddy in a way that doesnt make anyone cringe. Okay, maybe you cringed, but you get your dressing on the side.
WENTWORTH MILLER Is he black? Is he white? Is he Jewish? This mutt proves that mixing your peas and carrots can fill you up nicely. Hes got the close shave, the cold, cocky stare, and something tells me he pulls hair. Note to self: Wear Pigtails when on the Fox Lot.
I dig on swine.
ANTONIO BANDERAS 1991 called, they want his career back. His wife looks like a burn victim thanks to Dr. Tuck-N-Pull and aging Latin stars are the best because they will usually be so drunk on Patron by the time you meet that all you will have to listen to will be the sweet sounds of rolled Rs. Who cares if hes really cursing his agent for making him do the geriatric version of Dirty Dancing?
CHARLIE DE MARCO
I read his having a huge penis piece.. ALRIGHT, LET'S HAVE EM', WHO MADE YOUR LIST?
THAT GUY Posted: 5/12/2006by: JPM Get a fucking life loser. I see the only time you engage me is when I am gone. What a pussy. my list Posted: 5/12/2006by: TW Eric Bana - Do I even need to explain? Nathan Fillion George Clooney Gerard Butler Angelina Jolie - She could turn me into a lesbian Jessica Alba - Same with her
On Track Posted: 5/11/2006by: Justin A little later than most posters, but I had to put my list on here... just in case
1. Brook Burke (along with Chuck Norris on informercials, I don't need to watch real shows anymore) 2. Michelle Heaton (English pop music) 3. Josie Moran (VS model) 4. Lucy Pinder 5. Helen of Troy (either in the movie Troy or during ancient Greek times)
Enjoyable read, Yvonna. getting things back on track Posted: 5/11/2006by: andy k are we not doing the list anymore? know TPP posters, you probably went off on a tanget about 200 hundred posts ago and I'm assuming deuce had something to do with it. Well, I'm gonna get things back on track. My top 5
1. Charlize Theron 2. Scarlett Johnasson 3. Jessica Simpson 4. Rachel McAdams 5. Taylor Hanson Joe Posted: 5/11/2006by: That Guy Rosa Parks and her iPod need a hyphen and another moniker.
That's HER, goddamnit! It is! That Guy Posted: 5/11/2006by: Joe Kickass What in the fuck is a moniker?!?!?
Did you mean monitor? Why would he need another monitor? Dr. Phil Posted: 5/11/2006by: That Guy No, not really.
Because I/We have got 100 good laughs at HIS expense for every one of those handful of moments I/we might have thought of HIM "after hours."
I pay HIM no mind. But I love seeing the creative slams on HIM.
P.S. Please get your own fake moniker for psychology-based posts. Telling it like it is Posted: 5/11/2006by: Dr.Phil The sad part of all this, is that even by ridiculing while ignoring JPM, he is winning. He has total control over the comments. Sure he is annoying as hell, but it's pretty clear he'll take negative attention over no attention at all. If any commentor on this site has ever gone home/stepped away from the computer and complained to someone (not on TPP site) about JPM, or even THOUGHT about him...then he wins.
It's a total mindfuck/catch 22 sort of like the one Oprah's got on me. Damn right, dc Posted: 5/11/2006by: Lou Cypher I heard that the goverment sterilized his mom.
It's OK, though - she agreed to it in exchange for a case of Blatz Lite Cream Ale and 100 pickled eggs. Abandoned by an abusive father, Posted: 5/11/2006by: dc dead mother and an oedipus complex with his grandma. He's a mess! The system failed him obviously.
