When we were in the rack and under the feathers I'm sure you didn't identify me as the type. It was before I spilled my seed. You had no way of knowing. But now that I've released my DNA-riddled soul juice, I'm sure you've figured it out. Because as you lie alone on your disheveled bed, probably still panting from our minute-long blissful exertion, I'm already halfway down the block, sprinting, as best I can, with my boxer-briefs around my ankles and a used condom clinging to my little willy for dear life.
That's what I do. I come. Then I run!
Don't take it personally. My sperm-and-dash isn't necessarily a reflection of my feelings towards you. Nor is it a reflection of how good or bad the sex was. Rather, it's simply the result of a cataclysmic event in my brain that occurs the millisecond my disturbing orgasm face de-contorts itself.
You see, when it comes to sex, most men are Geminis. And the two sex-induced personalities inherent to this astrology-based reality are Before Climax Man and After Climax Man.
A short tutorial:
My suggestion to you.
Before Climax Man is a rico suave motherfucker. He'll charm you; he'll sweet talk you; he'll buy you gifts. Hell, he'll suffer through some PDA in the bar, or even the uber-demeaning handhold session in front of his mates if the situation demands it. And if he thinks it'll grant him instant access to your love canal, don't rule out the unexpected and spontaneous "I love you" bomb getting dropped during a once-heavy petting session that's since lost momentum. That's because, as anyone knows, Before Climax Man is a scheming sonofabitch that'll do and say whatever's necessary to get those panties dropped. Keep in mind, most of Before Climax Man's words and actions aren't even conscious decisions. They're simply the result of an evolutionary impulse that keeps his eyes focused on the prize.
After Climax Man is an embarrassment to the gender. He's introverted, frightened, and the minute his hips stop bucking and his nuts sag back into place, he retreats like a Frenchman at a firecracker convention. Both men and women alike have seen it often, and I can personally think of many an occasion where my internal monologue instantly and seamlessly transitioned from "Ohhhhh Godddd!!!! I'm comminnnggg!!!" to "Where the fuck are my boxers? I gotta get outta here!"
It happens every time - without fail.
Cuddling's for kittens.
Post-coitus is a term I've never understood. Probably because I'm never around for it! But the hugging, the holding and the caressing, really? What's the fucking point? Unless I'm gearing up for round two, I've either frantically hopscotched into the other room where I can be found cradling the clicker and trying to figure out whether Stuart Scott's crook-eye is made of glass or an actual marble, OR your apartment's door has already hit me in the ass on the way out. Either way, I'm fleeing the fucking crime scene.
The only time I do end up staying around is when I'm so inebriated I have no choice, because I pass out the second following my swimmers' Shawshank-like jailbreak. But don't even think about counting whatever shared-moment happens when I'm blacked out as a victory for your side. Because if I can't remember it, the shit never happened.
yes Posted: 8/1/2006by: MrWhite Big L Rest In Peace Max Posted: 7/28/2006by: Eugene Yeah I away thought that too...brilliant word play though. actually ... Posted: 7/28/2006by: Max Big L was a great rapper (yeah, was -- he was murdered). Funny guy.
Unfortunately, big E botched the lyric:
"Far from broke, got enough bread and mad hoes -- ask Beavis, I get nothin' but head"
I always thought this was a funny rap, because presumably one would want more than head. All the same, funny to hear black people talkin about Beavis and Butthead. Christine Posted: 7/28/2006by: Eugene It's real and it is ridiculous. Oh my god Posted: 7/28/2006by: Christine that last one is not a real lyric is it??? Wow! rap music is ridiculous. MAX Posted: 7/28/2006by: Eugene Deuce also expressed doubt yesterday and asked me to drop a sick Canibus rhyme to prove my identity. I will oblige you as well young fella.
"When it comes to getting nookie I'm no rookie, I got girls that make that chick Toni Braxton look like Whoopie"
Big L
"I got mad hoes and enough bread, ask Beavis I get nothing "but head"
Big L. Max Posted: 7/28/2006by: Christine He did the other day. I thought it was Tom A going with a new angle at first, but now I genuinely think its him. I do prefer him over the "others". At least he is able to have an argument with some substance and not just name calling. Well said Posted: 7/28/2006by: Milfhunter Its the truth...... funny article. is that the real eugene? Posted: 7/28/2006by: Max If so, he's on anti-depressants or something. "Oh well, I tried ... " ?? What happened to lashing out at people?
Prove it's you -- drop some of your sick gangster flow for us, homie. Christine Posted: 7/28/2006by: Eugene Oh well, I tried....You don't have to be too civil. It kind of turns me on when you'e abrasive.
By the way, for the TPP newbies, check out "50 top ways to get fired". It is by far the funniet article you'll read on this or any other site. I just read it again and I'm fucking rolling.
