BAYONNE, NJ -- Junior class elections at Bayonne High School took a wild turn last Wednesday as write-in candidates Your Mother (78 votes) and Blow Me (63 votes) ermerged as the top vote getters in the race for vice-president.
However, because neither candidate received the 107 votes necessary to win a majority of votes cast, a runoff between these two previously unheralded candidates will be held next Monday.
Incumbent sophomore class vice-president Danielle Szarneki finished a disappointing third with 59 votes, most of which were clustered in her own homeroom.
Andrew Melvin, who died of a methamphetamine overdose a week before the election, finished fourth with 12 votes.
When informed of the election results, Bayonne history teacher Kevin Phelps said, "I told [Junior Class Faculty Advisor] Karen [Griggs] that this would happen if she left a space for write-ins. But she was like, 'I think it'll be a great experiment in democracy for the kids.' I was like, 'Fine, I don't give two shits.'"
Phelps added that although he was not surprised that most students abused the opportunity to write in their choice for vice-president, he was surprised at the unprecedented number of votes received by both Your Mother and Blow Me.
Dude, put 'Blow Me.' Seriously, just do it.
"Usually, it's only like five or six guys in each homeroom who do it, so the write-in votes are pretty spread out. Jenna Tulwarts will get a few, Dick Phelternsnatch gets a couple. [Vice-Principal Joseph] Bruno's Wife usually ends up getting a few votes for treasurer, but never enough to affect the outcome of the election. This time the little morons really got organized. I gotta hand it to them on that."
The surprising turnout for the two write-in candidates was apparently the result of intense campaigning on the morning of the election.
According to student Dave Espada, "A couple burnouts were hanging out by the front door telling everyone to write in Blow Me for vice-president. Turns out they were pissed at Danielle because her dad called the cops when [vocational education student Dennis] Carbone and a bunch of those guys were drinking in the woods behind her house."
However, an ideological split among the organizers of the write-in campaign resulted in a second group of students positioning themselves by the school's parking lot entrance and urging classmates to cast their votes for Your Mother.
"Carbone wanted to do Your Mother since he's already on probation, and he figured if we put something dirty he'd get expelled," said a male student who declined to be identified. This student added that despite Carbone's preference for Your Mother, "Jimmy [Chapin] and Brian [Rooney] were like, 'Quit being such a bitch, Denny. We can't change now since we already told like 50 people to do Blow Me.'"
When reached for comment, a disappointed Szarneki said of the elections, "Of course I'm upset. I mean, after that tweaker Andrew OD'ed, I pretty much stopped campaigning. I guess I should've spent more time giving handys to guys to get their votes like I did last year."
Impressive Posted: 9/9/2005by: Bateman Good article. All the more impressive because Dan wrote it with my cock in his mouth the entire time. But seriously, I laughed so hard that it hurt. Hurt like Dan's mouth and ass hurt after returning from a week-long tour with the Harlem's Boys Choir. Great stuff. kudos Posted: 9/9/2005by: Ron Mexico Great article man, I nearly lost my shit. Vice principal's wife normally gets a few votes...........fucking priceless. Jeez Posted: 9/8/2005by: Jus Steve, thanks for breaking our new guy in with your medicre insults, now die a fiery death that should be reserved for those who kill babies or run for public office.
Dan, good article, welcome aboard. Can't wait to see what else you got. Nice Posted: 9/8/2005by: CJ Biggs Nice piece. And I'm referring to your cock, not the article. funny Posted: 9/8/2005by: Neil S excellent article! very funny. Keep it up Insensitive Posted: 9/8/2005by: Gladys Melvin Mr. Marcus, I understand that this your feeble attempt at humor is listed under "fake news." But I do not appreciate your referencing my real son and your former classmate, Andrew Melvin, who attended Bayonne High School 18 years ago.
We both know that he did not die of a "methamphetamine overdose" but, rather, of a heart attack, largely induced by your shocking demonstration of a Cleveland Steamer.
May you rot in hell. Danielle Posted: 9/8/2005by: Izzy Interesting choice of name for the loser. Same first initial, just change the sex so no one will suspect a thing. Your analyst is going to have a field day with that one. One suggestion for your bio: Last word should be, "Alone." Bayonne is No Mahwah Posted: 9/8/2005by: D. Bones Looky here at the Princeton-grad crapping all over New Jersey. I might live here, but that doesn't mean I endorse fecal showers. Which I have, although on a separate discussion board. Mr. Posted: 9/8/2005by: Joe Good stuff. "Handys" line was great.
ARTICLE WAS FUNNY Posted: 9/8/2005by: GOOD START Granted you lost a little steam at the end, but it was a good read and a funny concept. Don't pay any attention to an attention-starved douchebag loser who couldn't recognize a good joke if it was spray painted on the side of his doublewide.
