NEW YORK (AP) Doctors and nurses at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Institute were stunned Monday morning when eleven-year-old leukemia patient and insolent little brat Michael Steinberg had the nerve to ask why he out of all the children in the world had been stricken with terminal cancer.
According to chief pediatric oncologist Dr. Robert Farrell, it was the first time in the history of the hospital that an adorable young child facing almost certain death had been self-centered enough to ask Why me? with respect to his illness.
Farrell also noted that Steinbergs question has all but eliminated any chance that his brief life and imminent death will be made into a television movie. Having a kid who never asks Why me? thats like a money shot for those kid-with-cancer movies. You cant really make them without it, so Michael kind of fucked himself.
Farrells comments on the adaptability of Steinbergs story were echoed by Jamie Becker, a vice-president for development at ABC Family who has co-executive produced four made-for-TV movies and one reality series about childrens cancer, and who maintains an office at Sloan-Kettering where parents of cancer patients can pitch projects while their children undergo chemotherapy.
Yeah, the Steinberg deal is pretty much dead, says Becker. It's a real shame because Id already had a couple meetings with the parents, and it looked like we were going to be able to ink a deal as soon as Michael died. Id even put out feelers to Dakota Fannings agent about her starring in it. We were going to have the writers turn Michael into a girl so we could work out an exclusive ad buy with American Girl. But the probability of this thing getting made now is even lower than Michaels platelet count.
According to Becker, a childs never asking Why me? is crucial to a tear-jerking story about childhood disease because it gives the audience a free pass on the difficult questions that might otherwise arise out of an innocent young persons senseless death.
No longer attached to the project.
A dying kid with no hair and tubes up his nose has real moral authority. And when that kid spouts some bullshit about it all being part of Gods plan, hes using his moral authority to tell the audience, Dont bother wondering what kind of fucked-in-the-head God would kill me at age eleven, just cry at the sight of my cuddly lifeless body and make sure you buy whatever product is being sold by the multinational corporation thats sponsoring this shameless schmaltz-a-thon."
Becker adds that "without that underlying positive message, these cancer movies can be real downers."
Steinbergs doctors initially answered the boy's question by telling him that his illness resulted from his simply having been a very bad boy. However, as news of Michael's shockingly sensible inquiry spread throughout the hospital, outraged staff members began demanding that the boy be given a fuller, more detailed answer that would teach him -- and the hospital's other young patients -- not to ask any more questions that might force people to contemplate the brutal capriciousness of human existence.
By Tuesday morning, a data manager in the hospitals billing department had set up a website called www.tellmichaelwhyhim.org, which allows users to vote for one of several leading answers to Michaels question or to suggest their own reasons for Michaels impending demise. At press time, the site had already received over seven thousand visitors, fifty-eight percent of whom want Michael to be told that he was struck with leukemia because his ancestors killed Jesus. (Michaels being a whiny faggot and his refusal to eat his vegetables were the second and third most popular suggested answers).
Though Michaels parents declined several requests to be interviewed for this story, Michael himself is still pushing for an answer to his question, despite the negative reaction that his initial query has engendered.
Seriously, I want to know. Cause theres like three kids in my class who deserve to die way more than me. And I dont care how pissed everyone gets at me for asking. What are they going to do? Give me cancer again?
Very sick Posted: 10/27/2005by: HMK but the best article today by far! SICK GOOD Posted: 10/27/2005by: JP That was really sick, and hilarious.
Coundown until Dakota Fanning turns 18: 6 years, eight months and four days...
Come on, time. Great Article Posted: 10/27/2005by: Christine Kids dying horrible deaths. . . . .you sure know how to make a girl happy. Thank you. We all be goin' to hell... Posted: 10/27/2005by: 2xMartini ...and laughing our asses off along the way.
Nice job - now go repent for all of us. You are the White Sox Posted: 10/27/2005by: Billy Ray Valentine Yeah, that ending is sweeeet. This story sounds far more compelling than Fanning's latest about ponies. Maybe you could give her leukemia? Although I suspect she is not actually a 9 year old girl but a 45yr old lil person. C is for cancer Posted: 10/27/2005by: matt that's good enough for me. Good shit Stanford. Thanks for making all us sick fucks laugh. Hidden Gem Posted: 10/27/2005by: Soozie Tyrell Use of "money shot" in this context is classic.
That was Fucking Posted: 10/27/2005by: Atlas Awesome! Uma junior comment kind of scares me though. *clap* *clap* *clap* Posted: 10/27/2005by: soylent green The bar for sarcasim has just been set a few notches higher... I still think little Mikey's story has potential as a hit Lifetime - TV for stupid cunts show, only in the end his bed, with him stil in it, will have to be set on fire. Nice Posted: 10/27/2005by: Kiley Love the ending. Great article you sick bastard.
