WASHINGTON D.C.--Congress and the NRA reached an historic agreement yesterday when they decided that hand gun possession will no longer be legal for American citizens that are not Caucasian, Christian males making more than $50,000 per year.
Weve looked long and hard at crime patterns and came to the conclusion that guns are dangerous, NRA spokesman Mike Turner said, but they are most dangerous in the hands of the poor and minorities. With these new rules we project a 70% reduction in gun murders and a 74% reduction in shootings over the next full year.
To make up for the loss of firearm sales to a significant segment of the American population, the Handgun Act of 2006 has a second provision that will require at least one gun purchase per year by all eligible citizens. In addition, minorities will still be allowed to buy guns, but only as a present for their white friends.
Continued Turner:
We are not just encouraging rich, white, Christian men to buy guns; we are making it the law. They will probably need them anyway, because a lot of people are going to be really pissed off.
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Senator Joe Biden (D - DE) indicated that in the future, Congress may consider allowing the more well-behaved minorities such as Asian-Americans to own a limited number of firearms.
When asked about the prospects for expanding gun possession to the Asian community, Senator Lindsey Graham (R - SC) was a bit apprehensive:
Im not so sure thats a good idea, what with their Triad gangs, kamikaze pilots and violent video games, Graham stated, And they also got that karate fu, so white people will need the threat of firearms to keep them from getting all uppity.
The Handgun Act was very clear about why it was excluding immigrants, minorities and the poor from owning a firearm, but it was uncertain why women are no longer allowed to carry weapons. When questioned on the matter, Senator Biden elaborated:
We found that women are generally very responsible with guns, and they very rarely commit murder. But can we honestly allow them to possess a deadly weapon during that time of month? Not in any county Id want to live in.
Biden announced that he would seek to amend the Handgun Act in the future in order to allow a white, Christian woman the right to carry a weapon for shorter periods of time, and only with the permission her husband, father, and any male children in her household with the ability to speak.
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