How in the fuck did I get stuck with the NFC West? The whole goddamn division blows. The Rams, The Cardinals, or the Seahawks could all end up as top turd in this shit pile, but so what? Whichever team it is will just get blown out in their first playoff game.
Let me see if I have a coinheads, the Rams win. Tails and its the Cardinals. If it lands on the edge, Ill go with the Seahawks. And if, while in the air, the coin is struck by lighting, melts and then magically reforms into a miniature Golden Gate Bridge, then I will pick San Francisco.
Heads.
The St. Louis Rams
2004 RECORD: 8-8, second place in the division
PROJECTED 2005 RECORD: 9-7
Two things need to happen for St. Louis to win the division:
1. Mark Bulger HAS to stay healthy. Backup Jamie Martin is an 11-year veteran who apparently has nude photos of Paul Tagliabu injecting a naked Filipino boy with HGH. I just cant quite figure out how else a QB stays in the NFL for a decade-plus and only manages put up 2,300 yards passing, not to mention he looks like a young, retarded Fred Flintstone.
2. Steven Jackson has to improve his receiving over last year. He is going to get the majority of touches now that Marshall Faulk is officially the number two guy, but he needs to be a threat to catch the ball if he is going to get the WRs into single coverage. Torry Holt probably has a few more good seasons in him, but Isaac Bruce is so old he might need a Rascal scooter to get around the field come November.
Lets not talk about the defense.
In the end, I do think that Mike Martz, the idiot savant of NFL coaches, will lead his team of has-beens to a respectable record and into the playoffs where he will do something stupid, like call a timeout before the coin toss, and they will lose.
The Arizona Cardinals
2004 RECORD: 6-10, third place in the division
PROJECTED 2005 RECORD: 8-8
I know Kurt Warner had some decent games last year in New York, but I will never forget the beautiful images of him fumbling the ball around the field like a toddler in his St. Louis comeback. I never bought into Kurt Warners evangelizing, rags-to-riches story, so I took great pleasure in watching Jesus abandon him on the football field.
You remember when there was only one set of footprints? Yeah, I had some other shit to do. Jesus
Still, Warner isnt a terrible QB, and he is definitely a step up from McClown. I expect ole Kurt to have a pretty decent year, especially if J.J. Arrington is as good everyone thinks he is, myself included. J.J. will need to have an immediate impact if the Cards want to make the playoffs. The old guy under center is about as spry as a dead oak tree, so if J.J. isnt a threat to run, opposing defenses will be pinning their ears back and looking to send Warner into retirement.
The defense in Arizona is really their strength. They have a great D-line, and Ifeanyi Ohalete is the best FS in the division. If the offense can stay patient and they get off to a good start to build some confidence, the Cardinals could surprise us all and win nine games. Big fucking deal.
The Seattle Seahawks
2004 RECORD: 9-7, first place in the division
PROJECTED 2005 RECORD: 7-9
Seattle came into last season with their chest all swoll, talking about a Super Bowl. They were exposed in week four by the Rams, and never got their swagger back. Part of the problem is that they had a receiving corps that couldnt catch the goddamn football. Last years biggest disappointment, Koren Robinson, is gone, but there isnt a go-to-guy in the rest of the group.
The Seahawks do have one thing going for themShaun Alexander. Even though there may be some lingering bad blood surrounding his contract disputes, he is still running behind Steve Hutchinson and Walter Jones. I think I could gain 800 yards this season behind those two.
Seattle does have a chance to take the division if the other two contenders fall off due to injuries or other problems, but I wouldn't put any money on them.
The San Francisco 29ers
2004 RECORD: 2-14, last place in the division
PROJECTED 2005 RECORD: 3-13
I am not subtracting 20 years from the teams name. I am adding 80. Thats right, we are going from the Gold Rush to the Great Depression. Following two decades of success in the 1980s and '90s, San Francisco is having one of the worst talent depressions in football. The team is a fucking disgrace, and Dennis Erickson was every bit as ineffective as Herbert Hoover. Is Mike Nolan San Franciscos FDR? They had better hope so, otherwise we may see 1929s suicide record (more than 23,000) fall, as fans file out of Candlestick Park and jump into the shark-filled waters of the bay.
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