Weve all been there at one time or another. Watching a ballgame and a hitter gets announced or a reliever comes in, and its like a trip down memory lane. Then the realization- wait a minute, that guy still plays? Wasnt I in junior high when this guy was a rookie? Dont I have his 83 Donruss rookie card in a box somewhere?
Some guys are just so old you cant believe theyre still hanging around. Others are so mediocre that, well, you cant believe theyre still hanging around. Sometimes its both- a rare case scientifically referred to as The Mike Morgan Effect (25 years in the bigs; 141-186 lifetime).
Most times you miss the retirement blurbs in the paper during the off-season. To be blunt, the vast majority of ballplayers dont exactly rate a tear-filled presser when they hang it up. Hell, if its November and it aint about football, youre not reading it anyway. Besides, its easy to miss Todd Zeile, 87, Retires when its on page 9, jammed in between WTA Cup results and ads for massage parlors with Real Oriental Staffs.
So, with all that in mind, we hereby present to you the 2006 MLB That Guy Still Plays? Team. Bear in mind that there is a regional factor that is unavoidable when compiling a team of this nature. If you are not surprised that a certain player is still around because he is on your teams roster, bear in mind that the average fan in Yonkers is stunned to see him still donning a big league uniform. And finally, we have decided to run it at the seasons halfway point because, quite frankly, we suspect half this team will either be in the hospital or the Caribbean come October. And maybe, just maybe, one or two of them will die of a massive heart attack. After all, this is the steroid era.
The Position Players:
Catcher: Sandy Alomar Jr., LA Dodgers
Amazing that Sandy is still playing, considering 1.) He turned 40 two weeks ago, 2.) Hes a catcher, 3.) Hes always been injury-prone, even for a catcher, and 4.) His younger brother Roberto retired, like, three years ago. But even more amazingly, hes hitting .345 in part-time duty. This bodes well for a two month stint in Tampa Bay next year.
1B: Julio Franco, NY Mets
When youve been traded for Manny Trillo and Von Hayes, and youre still playing, you know youre old. In Juuuuuulios case, another way to know is to look at your birth certificate (from 1958 by the way). And while most true baseball fans are aware that hes still playing due to the novelty factor (and Foxs giddy announcers inability to talk about anything else when he bats), you can still feel the double-takes in every stadium when his name is announced.
2B: Jose Valentin, NY Mets
While his moustache is unforgettable, his play certainly is. With a look straight outta todays hottest novellas (and remarkably consistent over the years), this Latin lover seems to be dead set on retiring with more strikeouts than hits (currently at 1250 hits, 1222 Ks for his career). And a note to Hollywood casting agents- when the eventual remake of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly gets green lit, youve got Sentenza (Angel Eyes) right here.
3B: Vinny Castilla, San Diego
He turned 39 on July 4 th and is now playing for 6th team since leaving the Rockies in 1999. You last heard his name in 2001 and assumed he owned a used car lot in the outskirts of Denver by now. But you were wrong. Also, he is the first major leaguer to come out of Benito Suarez University that we know of.
SS: Royce Clayton, Washington
Only 36, Ozzie Smiths former heir apparent in St. Louis earns his spot with 16 years of service and five different teams in the last 5 years. Which five teams you ask? Oh, just the pre-World Champion White Sox, Brewers, Rockies, Diamondbacks, and now the Nationals. Or, as they are better known, the five teams that you cant name more than two starting players for.
LF: Brian Jordan, Atlanta
The only active Major Leaguer to intercept Mark Rypien in a playoff game, Brian Jordan continues to remind us that, despite his .214 batting average in part-time play for a bad Atlanta team, he is still 2 Legit 2 Quit, even if he should.
CF: Ken Griffey Jr., Cincinnati
You wouldnt think a players visibility could possibly drop after leaving Seattle, but Juniors has- and then some. It seems like he vanished into a hole in the earth when he went to Cincinnati seven years ago in one of the more star-crossed free-agent signings of the last decade. In a strange way, hes a lot like Pearl Jam: hes still around, hes still effective in his profession, but somehow he seems to belong to another era.
RF: Bernie Williams, NY Yankees
Just like the old Bernie Williams except now he has a girls arm, no wheels, and the bat speed of a gate that hasnt been opened in ten years. The Yankees actually cut him a couple of seasons ago, but they havent told him yet. Instead theyve just stopped sending him paychecks, like Milton in Office Space. Better keep him away from the matches because thats the only way his career will ever be en fuego again.
The DH (TIE) & Utility Players:
DH: Frank Thomas, Oakland As
The Big Hurt has certainly lived up to his name lately, but for far different reasons that he did early in his career. The monster of the late-nineties has become the gentle giant of the new millennium, which is why it is such a shock to hear his name when you get up to use the restroom during the Oakland highlights on Baseball Tonight.
DH: Ruben Sierra, Minnesota
You probably dont know many of the position players on the Twins roster, but there is one name youll know. Thing is you had it figured he was coaching first base or something, not in the starting lineup. Thats right, Ruben Sierra, the once promising rookie card you prized only to slap it on your bikes spokes a few years later is still hanging around. However, his current .185 batting average should see to it that forced retirement is right around the corner. Maybe he can call up Ricky Henderson and find a nice, out of the way independent league to play in next year.
Utility Player: Jeff Conine, Baltimore Orioles
Plays 1B, 3B and outfield. Please note the tense. Plays. Not played, but plays. As in, still plays. Were not kidding. Look it up if you want to.
The Old School Four Man Rotation:
Jamie Moyer, Seattle Mariners
Forty-three, 20 years of MLB experience and you are surprised to learn he has pitched an inning since 1996. This is what ten years in Seattle gets you. Fortunately for Moyer, it also gets you an unbreakable addiction to caffeine, so it goes by pretty quick.
Pedro Astacio, Washington
Logged less than 50 innings combined in 2003 and 2004 combined with the Mets and Red Sox and has been on the DL for the entire season so far. Is Texass pitching this bad? Um, yeah. Is Pittsburghs worse? Yep. Look for the A-Train make one last stop in Steeltown in 07 before drifting off into obscurity forever.
Steve Trachsel, New York Mets
139 career losses, 308 career home runs given up, and Trachsel is in the starting rotation for the National Leagues best team. Then again, about six American League teams could slap the taste out of this teams mouth in a seven-game series (and slap the activator off of Pedro Martinezs curl while theyre at it).
Kenny Rogers, Detroit Tigers
Wait a second, did you say the Tigers have the best record in baseball? And Kenny Rogers is in their starting rotation? And hes their ace? What planet am I on again?
The PEN:
Todd Jones, Detroit Tigers
Forget the surprise that hes still playing for a moment and just look at this baseball card. Look at it. Amazing. And its his rookie card. Right then you had to know hed be a great closer someday because that had to take balls. Pose in my uniform? Fuck you. Im goin two chains, some hair gel and a pattern shirt. Its the only way to properly frame this perfect stash.
Mike Remlinger, Atlanta Braves
Mike Remlinger and Paul Assenmacher are the same person. Fact.
Rheal Cormier, Philadelphia
Owner of one of the pussiest names in baseball history, the 39-year old Canuck rocked a 5.89 ERA for the Phillies in 05. Its currently under 2.00 in 06- a perfect illustration of the utter crapshoot that is putting together a bullpen from year to year. Its also a perfect illustration of Canadian inconsistency. Pick a goddamned language and go with it already.
Joe Table, Colorado
Table broke into the bigs as a 21-year old rookie starter with the Orioles in 1987 with the ever-dangerous combination of a fireballing right arm and a flammable Jeri Curl. Fortunately, there was never a Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial moment for Jose. Nineteen years, 930 appearances, 320 saves, one haircut, and one blown World Championship save opportunity later, Table is still at it.
Rudy Seanez, Boston
Hearing the name Rudy Seanez on the PA and watching him walkout of the Boston bullpen at a Tribe-BoSox game this April was like finding a living trilobite while youre looking for crayfish. And how much does he look like Jose Marie Olazabel? Exactly, or just a shitload?
Tom Gordon, Philadelphia
Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-FLASH Ah-ahhhhh! Hell save every game for us! Flash Gordon has done just about everything a pitcher can do- start, close, set up- in an 18-year Major League career that began with the Royals in 1989. How long has Tom Gordon been in the bigs? Going into his second big league season, Kansas City had the highest payroll in baseball. Now that was a long time ago.
Roberto Hernandez, Pittsburgh
The 41-year-old Hernandez is just eight blown saves away from 100 for his career. However, with Pittsburgh he may never reach this milestone unless they find a way to get a lead someday.
Terry Mulholland, Arizona Diamondbacks
When you google oldest active players baseball, you get one page of links. Half of them are directly related to Terry Mulholland. Is he active at the present time? No, no he is not. But some wannabe contender with a bad bullpen (the Reds?) might just need a LOOGY with experience. Years, and years, and years, of experience.
The MANAGER:
Sparky Anderson, The Upper Deck Heros of Baseball
Who better to manage this team than the incomparable George Sparky Anderson. Its a perfect fit. Half the team wont be able to hear what he says (which is nice because even people with perfect hearing cant understand what hes saying) while the other half will be too busy desperately hanging on to their failing career to care.
So there it is, youre 2006 MLB That Guy Still Plays? Team. Agree with us? Yes? No? Then let your voice be heard below.
Mets Posted: 8/31/2006by: Rory I do love how the Mets have a large % of this line-up. For the record tho, Trachsel is one of the NL leaders in Wins. How this happened is fuckin beyond me. Also...Jose "Pink Panther" Valentin hit two homers last night! BOO YA! 92 MVP Posted: 7/30/2006by: Tommy Lasorda To the guy who said that good ole Pat Borders retired......oh the 1992 World Series MVP is still alive and kickin. He started the year as the 3rd string catcher for the low A ball Vero Beach Dodgers and had a batting avg. of 181, because of this stellar performance he was promoted to Vegas where his solid production has continued with his current batting avg. sitting at a nice .53. Yes thats correct PAT BORDERS is currently hitting .53. I swore I read his obituary about 3 years ago. Le Royale w/ Cheese Posted: 7/14/2006by: Kid Are the Royals still in the league? Take that, posters! Posted: 7/13/2006by: William Van Landingham glcuc: The Giants actually cut Fassero about six weeks ago, but fuck you very much for reminding me that they broke camp with that washed up asswipe.
DBMike - you talkin' to ME? WHAT? Posted: 7/12/2006by: That Guy How can you even wonder if Griffey and Kenny Rogers are still playing. Kenny Rogers started the All-Star game and Ken Griffey Jr. is on Sportscenter just about everyday. He had a stint like two weeks ago when he had 5 homers in 5 games or something. joe fuckin' table Posted: 7/12/2006by: pinche Joe Table. Took me a second, but fucking great. You should've mentioned his arch-nemesis Omar Vizquel, who gets a heater in the neck every time they face each other these days. Nice book, Omar. Possible Additions Posted: 7/11/2006by: Doug Jeff Cirillo, Scott Erickson, Tim Salmon, Julian Tavarez, Jeff Nelson, Kent Mercker, Matt Stairs, Darren Oliver, Jose Hernandez, Eric Young, and the San Francisco Giants. Ruben's Gone Posted: 7/11/2006by: J-Rush Guess the Twins are phat phree readers cuz Ruben got released. Jeff Fassero Posted: 7/10/2006by: glcuc Ah, these names take me back. But Jeff Fassero needs to be on here, and the fact that he plays for the Giants with all those other old fucks. Fassero proves that you don't need to be good to pitch in the majors, just left handed.
The guys that were oh so close that just retired last year: Jesse Orosco Pat Borders Cal Eldred What about me? Posted: 7/10/2006by: Bob Wickman you cleveland homers suck!
