Unless you have been living under a rock for the last few months, you have heard of Danica Patrick.Ill be the first to admit that I couldn't give less of a fuck about Indy-car, or NASCAR (Neck-Car), or street racing, or any other kind of racing for that matter, or turning left all day (as my man Jim Rome would say).My concern is that Danica Patrick, like other female athletes, (not that race car drivers are actually athletes, but) is confusing heterosexual men and homosexual women everywhere.Is she hot, or not?I sure as hell cant tell.The problem with Ms. Patrick, is that youll see her one time, and she looks really hot: long dark hair slowing gently down around her shoulders intense eyes nice smile cute nose- and the next time you see her, whoa!Pockmarks disheveled hair Miss Piggys nose and Im left asking myself: what the hell happened?Danica Patrick is a beauty enigma; the most recent in a span of females in sport, ranging from long before I was born until long after Ill be dead.Throughout my lifetime of viewing sports, Ive come across many of these women, so here they are in pseudo-chronological order, starting with Danica Patrick.Ill allow you to be judge, jury, and executioner regarding the status of these ladies:are they Hot, or Not?
Danica Patrick I think the good outweighs the bad when it comes to Danica.Im a sucker for longer, darker hair, and I find her petite stature intriguing.Despite her sitting down to do her job all the time, the figure looks all right.Too bad she cant drive from her knees. Plus a woman who can drive now thats hot (plus shes knows how to drive stick!).
My Verdict: Hot
Fantasy Scenario: Danica gives me road head, sans helmet, while I attempt to control an Indy car at 200 MPH after drinking a twelve pack of Miller High Life The Champagne of Beers!
Misty May and Kerri Walsh These volleyball vixens may be a little long in the tooth, but since Im offering them as a pair, age aint nuthin but a number!The swimsuits plus the tans equal hot, and the bodies seem to be on point as well (although I like a little more in the breast department myself).If the faces dont work for you, mix in some sunglasses... they work wonders! May Walsh bang L?Walsh May bang L?Either way Im getting mines, threesome style. Six serving nine!
My Verdict: Hot
Fantasy Scenario: Misty gives me a BJ (mainly working the shaft) while Kerri helps out (mainly working the balls) as their gold medals dangle from my skyward-pointing erection.
Maria Sharapova Im not much for blondes, but Id bang this up-and-cumming tennis star like she was a timpani drum and I was in the percussion section of the New York Philharmonic. There is something intrinsically hot about tennis skirts and/or tennis dresses, and Ms. Sharapova fills it out with a toned, slinky figure that has fellas reaching for more than the remote when they are watching one of her matches. I have to give her extra props from being from the former Eastern Bloc and still being fine (in Eastern Europe, vodka is to shot glasses as beer is to beer goggles in the United States).
My Verdict: Hot
Fantasy Scenario: Maria and I are trapped somewhere in Siberia in a cabin, with nothing to keep us warm but an endless supply of Stolichnaya Vodka and condoms.
Diana Taurasi This former UConn Lady Husky and current Phoenix Mercury guard isnt bad looking Not that Ive met her personally, but she seems to give off the vibe that shes probably heterosexual.My only real problem with Taurasi is her legs.She just doesnt have the calf development that youd expect from a professional athlete.She doesnt have cankles, but her legs remind me of 2-x-4s made of sausage links.More running and less Manicotti equals moreopportunities for sucking Cannolis.
My Verdict: Not Hot
Fantasy Scenario: I have intercourse with Diana doggy-style while I eat Linguini, in a creamy wine sauce and heavy extra virgin olive oil, off her back with a spork.
Sue Bird Dont confuse Sue Bird with NBA All-Ugly Teamer Larry Bird.Although they share a last name and can shoot the pill, they are not related; nor are they similar looking.Sue Bird is probably the most attractive female basketball player Ive ever seen, and on top of it, shes a baller!Game knows game, and I would fill Sue Bird out like an application.Plus, since she has to have at least a few lesbian teammates, odds are shehas tobe open-minded enough to experiment.
My Verdict: Hot
Fantasy Scenario: Sue and I play a seven game series of one-on-one to eleven straight, in which I win the seventh and final game 11-9.In order to get even, she challenges me to a seven orgasm sex marathon, in which the loser comes first I lose four games to three.
Anna Kournikova Sorry, friends; I just dont see it.The fact is that shes a shitty tennis player and that has alwaysbeen kind of a turn-off; not to mention she got fucked by someone with hockey hair in the form of Sergei Federov.She also has a bit of a rat face in my opinion.Rats named Splinter can lead the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, but they cannot have relations with an internet journalist of my elite status.
My Verdict: Not Hot
Fantasy Scenario: I sit in the stands at center court and watch as she wins Wimbledon.
Serena Williams and Venus Williams Doubles, anyone?Although I willoffer the Williams' asa pair, it would be tough to make it out of this sister sandwich alive.You could probably hold court with Venus, but there is definitely a 50/50 chance that Serena would accidentally rip off your meat pole while attempting to give you a satisfying handjob during foreplay... I'm sure she would just not realize her own strength.Also, Serena reminds me a lot more of Grace Jones than Cleopatra Jones, and as Hall and Oates said, I cant go for that.
Verdict: Not Hot
Fantasy Scenario: Serena and Venus ride a double-headed dildo as I watch, masturbating in the corner, sadistically chanting ass to ass ass to ass, a la Requiem for a Dream.
Jennifer Capriati Unlike wine, Jennifer Capriati has gotten worse with age.She went from a thin, athletic teen playing tennis to a twenty-something weakside linebacker playing tennis.Although Im okay with the face, Capriati has three major flaws broad shoulders, a chunky torso, and cankles. Yuck.
My Verdict: Not Hot
Fantasy Scenario: I have intercourse with Jennifer doggy style while I eat meat Ravioli, in a hearty red sauce and heavy extra virgin olive oil off her back with a spork. De ja vu?
So what's your verdict? Are they hot, or not? Please respond to the athletes in the article, or bring up other female athletes for discussion by posting below.
williams sisters Posted: 1/29/2006by: Benais LaFernier yes racism is real and yes people of color are discriminated against, but that doesn't mean just because someone says that the williams sisters are not hot that they are racist. i agree that there is a standard of beauty in the us that does not appreciate women of color and that we need to change that. however, people seem to think this means that the only reason someone would think the W sisters are not hot is that they are racist and cannot appreciate different kinds of beauty. that is probably true about some people but others may just think that those girls are not attractive. it should be obvious that not everyone is going to agree on who is hot no matter what standards they are using. try to keep an open mind Serina Rules!! Posted: 12/30/2005by: Digger I agree Serina may not have the best face.
But, damn her ass, thighs, tits, lips. She has all the goodies to keep me occupies like a 5 year old in a furniture store. I would play house for days. The UConn creature Posted: 8/11/2005by: taut Are you kidding me? Taurasaurus Rex is "not bad looking?" That is absurd. Forget the Williams brothers, the hideous dark curly wet hair look of Taurasi frightens me far more. bringalunch... Posted: 8/10/2005by: deuce no thanks, i'll choose to eat the regurgitated hippie/liberal/NAACP/ACLU crybaby pussy shit that you have been forcefed by your parents/ ancestors.. whatever. if you are: 1. a hippie - die. 2. a liberal - thanks for your insightful "out of the box" thinking. you are so profound. 3. a black and or person of color- not that i care, but you can't honestly tell me that you have been seriously discriminated against with in the past 30 years. i grant you that you may have encountered some shit talkers but if you can't laugh it off and realize it for what it is... (i'll say it again) its just talking shit, you have apparently let it get the best of you and are yourself, ignorant. ignorance rules... Williams are hot... Posted: 8/10/2005by: bringalunch it is equally hilarious that your readers epitomize the whitebread, close-minded, spoon-fed suburban jackasses that you so eloquently parody.
Their inability to recognize the Williams sisters could only be attributed to a couple of things:
One: They fear the unknown (ignorance). This overpowers their ability to recognize the grace, power, and beauty of these women... They have lived sheltered, suburban lives, and, unbeknownst to them, they perpetuate the racist mentality that their inbred forefathers have passed on...
Two: Quite simply, they are intimidated... Like the gangly smart-ass kid kid, teasing the pretty girl that he knows he can never have, these sexually-repressed, small-penised pawns are afraid of biting off more than they can chew...
Three: Their gay... What hetero man can't appreciate the Williams sisters, on the legs and ass alone...
Take a bow striped shirt guy -- you fuckin' rule... As a matter of fact, while your there, touch your toes -- let Daddy enlighten you and help you come out of the closet...
Whadda buncha fags...
Deja Vu Posted: 8/9/2005by: Get it this article is almost as funny as the 30 i've seen before it on espn.com.
you're usually spot-on, MTL. Thankfully, the writing was pretty funny, so i'm just hoping the topic hopper was a little dry on this one. Anna K Posted: 8/2/2005by: Mike Anna K not hot, I have seen her up close before Anna K, after playing, with no make up, she is the hottest of all these chicks, and most definately does not have "cankles", .....you are right she is not hot she is SMOKIN HOT. Here's the thing... Posted: 8/2/2005by: Joe You all are going back and forth about questionably "hot" chick athletes. It's silly to debate any of them deamed "questionable" because anyone who's been around any ladies knows that it's all how you dress them up for whatever occasion. You show me someone like Sharapova who always looks good - on the court or off, minimal makeup or decked out - and I'll put her in the Pepsi challange against any of these girls someone has to find additional photos of on the internet to confirm because we may have one that's misleading. Bottom line, if she's truly hot, there's not debate fellas. Hit that shit.... Sexalicious Serena Posted: 7/28/2005by: chris Serena WIlliams is very very very hot. You guys are just frightened. Liked the handjob line, tho. Hottest female athelete going, although Shaparova is more beautiful.
Jennie Finch is as bland looking as they come. I watched her lose to Canada the other day and she had nothing, looks wise. Face is just too big. I guess if you have a farm girl fetish...
You know who was hot? That Silver Bullets hardball team -- saw them live before an A's game and every damn one of them was cute as a button with their ponytails and tight butts.
A true borderline athelete would be that golfer, Sorenstam. She's not hot, per se, but has a sly sexiness, methinks.
The William's Sisters Posted: 7/26/2005by: Ron Freeman And they are black. nough said
