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Fuck your mother dead. I can’t even begin to comment on the senseless amount of worthless remakes that have hit the big screen this year. Charlie & The Chocolate Factory? War OF The Worlds? Bad News Bears? That’s like one a week! Bewitched was like a fucking dick in the eye. And Amityville Horror was like drinking milk through a sock, even though the ladies love the topless beefcake, Ryan Reynolds. I would have probably loved that movie if it had starred a topless Winona “I’d Love To” Ryder, so I guess I can give it a pass. But where does it end? Hopefully, the answer to that is next years Revenge Of The Nerds remake. But today is reserved for one and only one remake.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I’ve been camped out in a goat pasture in Paraguay for 8 days now waiting for some drug lord named Lechón Melenudo DelPene to poke his godforsaken shitmug out of a window so I can peel his cap for a nice fat CIA check. I should’ve known this was going to be a shitty assignment when they called us instead of their usual green neck pantywaists. I can’t tell you how insane you get after the rations run out and all there is left to eat are the orange and purple mushrooms growing out of the decomposing goat apples. But Shrapnel and I have been pleased to have a new grunt along on this extended excursion. The Company sent along some tactical support for Shrapnel and me this time in the form of a historian and weapons expert named Johnny Gunkisser. If you think I like my guns, you might be shocked to know that this guy invented a solution that helps clean sticky love glue off of metal. As Johnny reminds us “saltiness will, indeed promote corrosion of steel, whether sea spray, spunk, or the salts in the primers of some surplus ammo. If not neutralized it can pit the bore, destroying accuracy”. Now I’ve cleaned a guns chamber before, but I’ve never cleaned my chamber on one of my guns. In addition to his sick obsession, Gunkisser happens to be an expert on the Confederacy and conspiracy theories… among other things. So I decided the three of us should watch the screener copy of the new Dukes Of Hazzard on my portable DVD player while we waited for our mark to bust his Punxsutawney Phil.
So this particular movie gets the gold star for being a double remake of the classic early 80’s TV show, which was a remake of the 1975 movie Moonrunners, which even had a cameo by Waylon Jennings. After watching years of the TV show, most fans of the glowing dunce box are usually left with the question, why the fuck are they running away from everyone all the goddamn time? Well in Moonrunners, and in part in the new version, the answer to that is moonshine, also known as Jesus Juice (not for it’s obvious ability to make you see God, so much as the fact that when people drink it they are frequently heard asking, “Jesus, what the fuck is in this piss?”). It was about two brothers named Grady and Bobby Lee who ran the sweet nectar that flowed from their Uncle Jesse’s old still past the Man as fast as they could.
I hear that bootlegging not only has a Grand ‘Ole tradition down in Confet country, but Gunkisser insists that even the Kennedy family were 'breakin’ the law' by making their money smuggling whiskey from Canada before the operation was taken over by the Mafia. He has been known to profess that it’s what led to the untimely demise of the Camelot brothers, but the file I’ve seen would suggest otherwise. I’m here to tell you that Oliver Stone was 10 times more accurate with his portrayal of the NFL in Any Given Sunday than anything he suggested in JFK. But I will confirm that Oswald had worse aim than a 12 year old kid trying to piss with his first hard on. Regardless, in order to beat that shine past the IRS, otherwise known as the “Revenuers” or ATF, they needed a car as badass as The General. Hence a legacy known as NASCAR is born. Now if real-life moonrunners were the predecessors to NASCAR, it sure makes them a cautionary tale in my book. Anything that goes from a pure good, like delivering illegal alcohol to people, to pure evil, like filling a Sunday afternoon on a network television station with the motor sports equivalent of a skipping record, is a tragedy of the highest order. If you think that I feel strongly about that, just the mere mention of the ATF sends Gunkisser into a rage. “Make no mistake, the ATF have never been about security. They are purely about fucking up your good time. Ask David "Baby Fucker" Koresh... It’s in their name: Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms - and now fucking explosives too (BATFE). Their job is to make money off of your fun; they are basically the government’s bagmen and shakedown artists. Yes, Washington does not like to be left out of the juice.” Whoa now Johnny, don’t be fuckin’ up my paycheck.
Not to be left out of the mix, Shrapnel made the point that, like degenerate potheads who always have money for weed but can’t seem to put gas in their fucking cars, moonshiners have always had their own code words and lingo too. Some of that language combined with military terminology from WWII is what turned into modern CB radio lingo. Just like the followers of Thomas Chong have their dub sacks, chronic, stress, Afghani, purple cush, and QPs, the hill people have their White Lightning, Popskull, Stumphole, Panther’s Breath, Happy Sally, Blue John, Rotgut, Skull Cracker, See Seven Stars, Alley Bourbon, ‘splo, and one of my favorite euphemisms for moonshine Ruckus Juice. It’s amazing that a car culture, a tax collecting police division and a new language could all spring from what really amounts to a bathtub mixture of corn meal, sugar, water, yeast and malt. Fuck, what kind of dung shrooms were those?
Shit I almost forgot the movie. It wasn’t half bad until the part with the, uh, purple dragon. Whoa, I mean, who doesn’t like a movie with a Cooter or two in it? Director Jay Chadrasekhar of Broken Lizard fame manages to somehow avoid the trappings of previous remakes and just have fun with this idea all on it’s own. It’s not the Dukes you grew up with, but let’s face it; Johnny Knoxville is just the kind of idiot you would find in the real Hazard. Which by the way is a city in Kentucky and not a fucking county. I mean do you know any city dwellers that would shoot themselves point blank in a Kevlar jacket just for shits and giggles? I can tell you from experience that getting shot in a bulletproof jacket from 100 yards way sucks the schmegma from an axe-wound. It feels like that first time you were spanked when your balls were sitting back to far and you got an impacted testicle from the swat. Basically you’re not expecting to feel like someone just got a free hammer swing to your chest. Anyway that makes him perfect to play a dumbshit redneck Duke boy in my book any day. And Sean William Scott looks like the by-product of an interfamilial breeding experiment, so he scores high marks as well. I could have come up with a million people to play Daisy Duke, but I could think of worse things to do with 106 minutes of my time than watch Jessica “Tunafish Taco” Simpson shake her tail feather. It sure as fuck beats listening to her sing. Willie Nelson, however may be the best casting call in history to reprise a role. In fact after seeing this film you’ll be hard pressed to even remember the original Uncle Jesse, Denver Pyle, in spite of the fact that he acted for almost 50 years before his lungs turned inside out in 1997. Burt Reynolds however sucks a sweaty monkey’s red butt cheeks. Apparently he can only muster the gumption for one remake a year and for this one he didn’t go around slapping reporters defending the original, so he must not have been to proud of his week performance either.
Additional reporting this week by Shrapnel Smith and Johnny Gunkisser.
For more fun with the Dukes, fire up the old VCR and watch episodes of the tv show while playing this little drinking game.
Next week: Four Brothers, Broken Flowers, Deuce Bigelow, Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia and more.
Original Daisy Duke, Catherine Bach, once had her legs insured for 1 million dollars shortly before the scab Dukes, Coy and Vance took over the show during an actors strike. I wonder if that extended to the cooch? Anyway, my question this week is who has the best gams in Hollywood today?
jessica simpson...thats all i ask......i could die peacefully if i did.......
J-Rock
5 Severed Ears for Napalm
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Posted: 8/5/2005 7:06:54 AM
Brilliant again!
BTW Sean Young has great legs for a dinosaur, but my vote goes to Krista Allen.
Dorf
Best Legs?
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Posted: 8/5/2005 11:28:07 AM
Tea Leoni. Check out Bad Boys.
TAIG
Dorf
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Posted: 8/5/2005 11:36:02 AM
Regarding Tea Leoni. You're sooo right, but dude, her face is so fucking hit. I know we're just talking "gams" here...so, let me throw out there, Bea Arthur. Check out The Golden Girls, season 3, episode 4...there's a money panty(hose) shot.
matt
Good as always
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Posted: 8/5/2005 11:39:47 AM
Napalm,
another great review, thanks. Probably wait for the video and probably only do that if I am really stoned.
Best legs: Rebbeca Romajin or however she spells it
Wiilliam Flippo
Sgt.Flippout
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Posted: 8/5/2005 12:28:07 PM
Keep on rockin in the phree world napalm!
Semper Fi
deuce
...
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Posted: 8/5/2005 3:24:05 PM
gina gershon.
YoMama
Gams
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Posted: 8/5/2005 3:50:45 PM
I'll go with Tea Leoni in Bad Boys as well. Big surprise. Don't know how they're holding off after pushing out David Duchovny's brood.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average...like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I’ve been camped out in a goat pasture in Paraguay for 8 days now waiting for some drug lord named Lechón Melenudo DelPene to poke his godforsaken shitmug out of a window so I can peel his cap for a nice fat CIA check. I should’ve known this was going to be a shitty assignment when they called us instead of their usual green neck pantywaists. I can’t tell you how insane you get after the rations run out and all there is left to eat are the orange and purple mushrooms growing out of the decomposing goat apples. But Shrapnel and I have been pleased to have a new grunt along on this extended excursion. The Company sent along some tactical support for Shrapnel and me this time in the form of a historian and weapons expert named Johnny Gunkisser. If you think I like my guns, you might be shocked to know that this guy invented a solution that helps clean sticky love glue off of metal. As Johnny reminds us “saltiness will, indeed promote corrosion of steel, whether sea spray, spunk, or the salts in the primers of some surplus ammo. If not neutralized it can pit the bore, destroying accuracy”. Now I’ve cleaned a guns chamber before, but I’ve never cleaned my chamber on one of my guns. In addition to his sick obsession, Gunkisser happens to be an expert on the Confederacy and conspiracy theories… among other things. So I decided the three of us should watch the screener copy of the new Dukes Of Hazzard on my portable DVD player while we waited for our mark to bust his Punxsutawney Phil. 
So this particular movie gets the gold star for being a double remake of the classic early 80’s TV show, which was a remake of the 1975 movie Moonrunners, which even had a cameo by Waylon Jennings. After watching years of the TV show, most fans of the glowing dunce box are usually left with the question, why the fuck are they running away from everyone all the goddamn time? Well in Moonrunners, and in part in the new version, the answer to that is moonshine, also known as Jesus Juice (not for it’s obvious ability to make you see God, so much as the fact that when people drink it they are frequently heard asking, “Jesus, what the fuck is in this piss?”). It was about two brothers named Grady and Bobby Lee who ran the sweet nectar that flowed from their Uncle Jesse’s old still past the Man as fast as they could.
I hear that bootlegging not only has a Grand ‘Ole tradition down in Confet country, but Gunkisser insists that even the Kennedy family were 'breakin’ the law' by making their money smuggling whiskey from Canada before the operation was taken over by the Mafia. He has been known to profess that it’s what led to the untimely demise of the Camelot brothers, but the file I’ve seen would suggest otherwise. I’m here to tell you that Oliver Stone was 10 times more accurate with his portrayal of the NFL in Any Given Sunday than anything he suggested in JFK. But I will confirm that Oswald had worse aim than a 12 year old kid trying to piss with his first hard on. Regardless, in order to beat that shine past the IRS, otherwise known as the “Revenuers” or ATF, they needed a car as badass as The General. Hence a legacy known as NASCAR is born. Now if real-life moonrunners were the predecessors to NASCAR, it sure makes them a cautionary tale in my book. Anything that goes from a pure good, like delivering illegal alcohol to people, to pure evil, like filling a Sunday afternoon on a network television station with the motor sports equivalent of a skipping record, is a tragedy of the highest order. If you think that I feel strongly about that, just the mere mention of the ATF sends Gunkisser into a rage. “Make no mistake, the ATF have never been about security. They are purely about fucking up your good time. Ask David "Baby Fucker" Koresh... It’s in their name: Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms - and now fucking explosives too (BATFE). Their job is to make money off of your fun; they are basically the government’s bagmen and shakedown artists. Yes, Washington does not like to be left out of the juice.” Whoa now Johnny, don’t be fuckin’ up my paycheck.
Not to be left out of the mix, Shrapnel made the point that, like degenerate potheads who always have money for weed but can’t seem to put gas in their fucking cars, moonshiners have always had their own code words and lingo too. Some of that language combined with military terminology from WWII is what turned into modern CB radio lingo. Just like the followers of Thomas Chong have their dub sacks, chronic, stress, Afghani, purple cush, and QPs, the hill people have their White Lightning, Popskull, Stumphole, Panther’s Breath, Happy Sally, Blue John, Rotgut, Skull Cracker, See Seven Stars, Alley Bourbon, ‘splo, and one of my favorite euphemisms for moonshine Ruckus Juice. It’s amazing that a car culture, a tax collecting police division and a new language could all spring from what really amounts to a bathtub mixture of corn meal, sugar, water, yeast and malt. Fuck, what kind of dung shrooms were those?
but I could think of worse things to do with 106 minutes of my time than watch Jessica “Tunafish Taco” Simpson shake her tail feather. It sure as fuck beats listening to her sing. Willie Nelson, however may be the best casting call in history to reprise a role. In fact after seeing this film you’ll be hard pressed to even remember the original Uncle Jesse, Denver Pyle, in spite of the fact that he acted for almost 50 years before his lungs turned inside out in 1997. Burt Reynolds however sucks a sweaty monkey’s red butt cheeks. Apparently he can only muster the gumption for one remake a year and for this one he didn’t go around slapping reporters defending the original, so he must not have been to proud of his week performance either.
Original Daisy Duke, Catherine Bach, once had her legs insured for 1 million dollars shortly before the scab Dukes, Coy and Vance took over the show during an actors strike. I wonder if that extended to the cooch? Anyway, my question this week is who has the best gams in Hollywood today?
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