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In my day you were the shit if you could figure out how to make your tank jump randomly through walls in the 2600 version of Combat, but now it seems like the entire entertainment industry is depending on one stupid black box becoming the hottest Xmas present since Molest Me Elmo. That box is the soon to be released, powerful enough to fly the Space Shuttle, Sony PS3, but here’s what I don’t get. At $699 it is the most expensive game system ever released and Sony still loses $200 a unit. What kind of backwards as company does business that way. I know we bombed the Japanese so hard that they all still have two shadows, but I always had the sons of Hirohito pegged as pretty keen businessmen. All those fuel efficient tiny cars and sleek electronics made me think these guys had their head in the game. But a $200 deficit per unit is the stupidest loss leading idea since 10 cent beer night at Municipal Stadium. But alas I should have seen it coming. The problem is that Sony is too fucking smart for their own good. They want to corner the market on High Definition DVD so they hinged this whole system on a Blu-Ray drive. If they can get one of those in your house they can afford to lose money on the system because you’ll buy their movies for a fifth time on this new format and everyone else who makes a movie on this format will have to shell them out a few bucks too. Apparently these guys don’t remember mini-disc or betamax. A few of Sony’s other fine proprietary creations.
Here’s the secret guys, everything in the technology world hinges on porn not video games. So your computer only runs as fast as is required by your newest video game, but there would be no internet outside of the military and college campuses if someone hadn’t started trading audio files of Jill Kelly’s gutter mouth fuck talk. VHS beat the pants out of the superior quality of Beta because of porn tape trading. And if you think anyone is gonna buy a video game system just because it is more powerful then you’ve got another thing coming. Nintendo’s Wii system is the talk of all the gamers out there because even with half the processing power it has some new fangled controller that let’s you interact with the games. Xbox 360 is in the mix because most developers have committed to putting out their games across both platforms. The power of the PS3 is more useless than the flap of skin behind my balls if all the programmers are still making games for whatever the weakest system out there is. Sorry Ethan Albright, your never gonna get any faster if the programmers don’t give you a boost. Even Sony’s online network has more bugs Brooklyn brownstone. Plus with a paltry 2 million units shipping for Xmas even the people who want one will probably have to settle for a different platform.
Unless PS3 comes with a live action version of Leisure Suit Larry Goes Gonzo I just don’t see anyone shelling out more than the price of a new Dell for a box that can’t immediately allow its user access to an infinite amount of Scheiße, bukkake, and any other foreign word for a disgusting sex act that you can imagine. Way to fuck it up again Sony. If Nintendo wins this time Jesse can put a plaque up for you next to the 97 Cleveland Indians on the Wall of Shame. I wonder if he could transfer the curse of Rocky Colavito to you like those stupid Grudge movies.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Contrary to popular belief John Hughes is still kicking. Sure he might not be the one actually making these movies or setting them in the familiar Chicago backdrop of his classics like Ferris Bueller and The Breakfast Club. But his concepts of high drama in high school are still as relevant today as ever. Even the adult ideas these days are just like those classic movies from the 80’s. I mean "Grey’s Anatomy" really is just high school with scalpels, isn’t it? Sex, social climbing, and what everyone else thinks about you are the common themes that have preoccupied every women from the moment that Sally Williams got more Valentine’s Day cards than everyone else in the 2nd grade. It doesn’t matter if it’s the backstabbing drama of Heathers, Mean Girls, or 16 Candles, even the girl at the top thinks she’s an outsider. And now an Austrian Born princess during the French revolution gets her chance to be Pygmalion. Its like greek tragedy turned 80’s teen comedy turned period drama turned back into high school dramedy. Or something uber post-modernistic like that. Fuck a virgin suicide, I might just slit my own wrists trying to figure out where this is going.
Anyway, this teenage daydream from Francis Ford’s sperm that got away, Sophia, chooses to have its starlet get lost in costume instead of translation this time, but with Adam Ant and The Cure blaring in the background it’s hard to think that this period piece is anything but the next Somekind Of Wonderful. Girls mope and whine through their vapid existence as if the tunes of some romantic pop star dressed in black singing them a lullaby of woe will make the day pass unnoticed. But in reality the bitter pill of being popular can only result in ultimate tragedy. And that is what is so very good about this movie. To my dismay, Kirsten Dunst forgoes the ping through tops of her Spiderman days for the pageantry of one endless senior prom, but this fish out water turned pre-mature princess has nothing to look forward to in her ascension. Her knight in shining armor is ultimately impotent and the vanity of the powerful blinds the young queen and her court to the impending perils of frivolous excess. If we could all go back to high school and storm the school to overthrow the prissy cheerleaders and the style defining social nazi hipsters we would. Off with their mother fucking heads! God bless the French for doing one thing right in their pitiful cowardly existence; going all Trench Coat Mafia and chopping off the dome of the popular girl. Take that Baz Lurhman. Right idea wrong ending. I guarantee if Can’t Buy Me Love had ended with McDreamy getting turned inside out by a claymore or if Ducky had forced sex on Molly “firecrotch” Ringwald in Pretty In Pink the world would be a much better place today. There is no happy ending when the fish out of water transforms into The In Crowd. Once you become one of them you deserve to die and Sophia Copella’s take on this Queen of the damned gets that right at almost every step. Too bad it’s still a chick flick, so I still can’t tell you to go see it.
Move over Will Ferrell. Go back to throwing your shoulder out of joint Jim Carrey. Because Christian Bale is quite possibly the greatest comedic actor of our time. If you don’t believe me then you need to watch the business card scene from American Psycho again. ("And the lettering is something called Silian Rail.") But yet this is no Penn & Teller act. This Victorian age slight-of-hand fest is more like Jackass or Kurt Angle in the Olympics. Just how far will a man go to outdo everyone else? Will you wrestle with a broken friggin neck? Will you tempt the devil with your soul by dry firing in a hardware store commode? Or will you Dr. Frankenstein your way to the top with scientific abominations like some insane Canadian genetics doctor? Memento director Christopher Nolan does everything in his power to tell the story of these two industrial age Houdinis by going forward into these questions and still leaves you thinking backwards for the answers. All I will say about the resolution is that this Keyser Soze is easy to unravel if you pay attention to rules laid out at the very beginning of the film.
Wolverine and Batman start off as contemporaries in the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it world of magic. But the Dark Knight’s ability to transport from place to place faster than Zan and Jayna can avoid Gleek flinging poo has the X-man facing the reality that Batman has either become a better trickster, Bruce Wayned his way to some expensive scientific creation that no other man has yet acquired, or has found a way to use real magic. Throw in a couple minutes of Scarlett Johansson looking like a double serving of fuck on a plate and David Bowie using all his acting chops from Labyrinth to pull off a rather convincing Nikola Tesla as a mad scientist and what you are left with is a movie where all the real tricks are in the story and the magic is the only thing grounded in reality. Confused yet? Good. Because seeing the film will only serve to confuse more. If your were a fan of Scott Bakula in Lord Of Illusions, Jeff Goldblum in The Fly or Ewan McGregor in Star Wars then this Attack of the Clones is for you. Christopher Nolan really makes this weird science into a wonderful house of cards that is ready to topple at any moment. If this flick is not for you then I recommend the aforementioned girlie fare or staying home this weekend and trying to figure out how Jeffrey beat out Uli in the "Project Runway" finale because you are definitely gay.
Congrats to Phat Phree original and Legendary N.W.A. Quiz creator Larry Housel on his pending nuptials this weekend and his impending demise thereafter. Welcome to the team, holdout!
1. How much is too much to spend on fucking around (read: your hobbies)? Sure you’re wasting time right now reading this website, but it’s free. $699.00 for a video game system seems pretty fucking ridiculous to me. But there are people who spend more than that on baseball cards or wine that you only get to drink once, so what do I know.
2. Caption This
3. I know you all sit at home listening to "Sports" secretly wanting to be Patrick Bateman, so what is your favorite quote or moment from Amercian Psycho or its equally hysterical counterpart Wall Street.
"I know we bombed the Japanese so hard that they all still have two shadows..." holy shit.
i am really looking forward to the prestige. i hate acting & movies & actors & actresses (meaning i'm not a *movie* guy but enjoy their entertainment). but b/c of american psycho, i love patrick bateman.
1. it is laughable how much money i have wasted on golf.* but since i love it, you don't really worry about it. *golf includes all costs associated with actually playing in addition to liquor, weed, coke (not in a long time), cigars, and depending on the outing- the strippers on the busride back from the course.
2. rachel ray, will you marry me? (that pic is awesome- great find)
3.there are too many great moments... but i think my favorite is when he is meeting with willem defoe (the detective) and cuts the meeting short by saying: "listen, you'll have to excuse me. i have a lunch meeting with cliff huxtable at the four seasons in 20 minutes. " awesome.
Nate
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Posted: 10/20/2006 9:22:41 AM
3. In the beginning when they are at the bar and he tries to use his drink tickets: "You're an ugly bitch and I want to cut you up and play with your blood"
or "Did you know that I'm utterly insane?"
dc
What the Hell?
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Posted: 10/20/2006 9:24:13 AM
Where's the review for Flags of Our Fathers??
D
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Posted: 10/20/2006 11:05:04 AM
Its ALWAYS a great time baking christmas cookies at the jameson house.
vertigo
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Posted: 10/20/2006 12:32:50 PM
Napalm crushes it again, would love to hear your take on the documentary or the ratings industry that is out.
1. I waste a ton of money on clothes and booze and authentic movie posters-i know, but to me they are affordable versions of art. I think if you enjoy the hobby a ton, fuck it-you work to have money to spend-don't make shit complicated.
2. Its about to be a white christmas in 4 minutes.
3. "I'm just Bud Fox."
Christine
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Posted: 10/20/2006 2:26:30 PM
A new term should be added to the "urban dictionary". Amongst the angry dragon, dirty sanchez, and the poltergeist, I think we need to institute "Palming". Palming is when someone completely fucks your mind in every capacity. As in this article Palmed the shit out of me. Spread the word. that one is gonna stick! Anything mind boggling or when you are speechless. its perfect, "i'm so palmed right now". I love you Napalm
1. I once spent 419 dollars at one bar. granted I was there from 5-2 and it was expensive as hell, but that's just sad.
2. Mom- "sweety what have you done to the cookies?" Kid- "you said she needed more filling".
that sucked, sorry.
3. Don't all yell at me now, but I never saw it.
Joe Kickass
Napalm
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Posted: 10/20/2006 2:54:40 PM
Thank you for that link to the business card scene. I'm stealing it.
My favorite quote has to be "Don't just stare at it Christina, eat it!"
Something like that, I haven't seen in a while.
dc
Christine
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Posted: 10/20/2006 3:12:44 PM
Don't show up this late and then act like everything is okay.
If a guy spends that much at a bar it usually involves an attractive naked lady earning extra dollars for college by rubbing her body all over the guy's lap.
Christine
DC
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Posted: 10/20/2006 3:35:18 PM
I am actually assisting with two trials that both start on Monday. I have a shitload of exhibits to get together and look at me! I am still thinking of possible dirty captions for horny cookies. Give me some credit here.
I was with 12 other girls and we all bought at least 5 rounds of shots a piece and i probably drank 20-25 grape crush martinis. I don't know how I didn't die. I think I might be invinisble or something. there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. the rest of my friends had to be carried home by their husbands and me and my best friend stayed and drank everything we could get our hands on till closing.
I realize several things will be said about that last sentence, but I can assure you all that I did not drink THAT.
DLamp
Caption(s)
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Posted: 10/20/2006 4:34:17 PM
" And this is how cookie dough ice cream is made"
" Well, it's official, now I'm the only guy to not hit that"
"When he's done I'm gonna eat the shit out of that cookie!"
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Contrary to popular belief John Hughes is still kicking. Sure he might not be the one actually making these movies or setting them in the familiar Chicago backdrop of his classics like Ferris Bueller and The Breakfast Club. But his concepts of high drama in high school are still as relevant today as ever. Even the adult ideas these days are just like those classic movies from the 80’s. I mean "Grey’s Anatomy" really is just high school with scalpels, isn’t it? Sex, social climbing, and what everyone else thinks about you are the common themes that have preoccupied every women from the moment that Sally Williams got more Valentine’s Day cards than everyone else in the 2nd grade. It doesn’t matter if it’s the backstabbing drama of Heathers, Mean Girls, or 16 Candles, even the girl at the top thinks she’s an outsider. And now an Austrian Born princess during the French revolution gets her chance to be Pygmalion. Its like greek tragedy turned 80’s teen comedy turned period drama turned back into high school dramedy. Or something uber post-modernistic like that. Fuck a virgin suicide, I might just slit my own wrists trying to figure out where this is going.
Move over Will Ferrell. Go back to throwing your shoulder out of joint Jim Carrey. Because Christian Bale is quite possibly the greatest comedic actor of our time. If you don’t believe me then you need to watch the business card scene from American Psycho again. (
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