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Are you yanking my dick like a glory hole at a Catholic Sunday school? I put in 20 hours of viewing time for what? A week’s worth of hurry up and wait. "The Shield" was the only thing that delivered this week, while both "Lost" and "The Sopranos" force-fed their audiences episodes that could have easily been skipped and replaced with next weeks “previously on”. I mean, sure, it’s cool that Tony has an open hole in his chest from getting plugged by his crazy uncle, and yeah maybe there is a story in AJ whacking Junior or who gets to run the family if Tony takes a dive. But honestly we really just want to see Meadow dancing in her skivvies some more, not Tony talking to brand new characters that are just Fig Newtons of his procrastination.
"Lost" was worse. “Bitch, what do you mean I’m impotent and you’re pregnant? I don’t care if all I hear is people talking like the adults in Charlie Brown cartoons; I will still whoop your monkey ass all up and down this island if that kid comes out looking like Adebisi.” Seriously, why the fuck is Jin gonna trust some chick that somehow learned a whole other fucking language without his knowledge? If that chick says she pregnant, I’m here to tell you that you are not Joseph and she is about as close to being Mary as Taylor Hayes. The best-case scenario is that the Others slipped it in her after Charlie knocked her the fuck out.
But more importantly on "Lost", what the fuck was up with those Dharma O’s? I half expected them to pull a secret decoder ring out of the box that helped them figure out the symbols on the countdown clock in old-school Orphan Annie fashion. “Next week on Lost: the clock gets to 0 and Locke uses his secret decoder ring to figure out that the hidden message behind the numbers is… Eat More Dharma O’s!” Genius. By the way, I went over to ABC and bit a hole in the patella of the guy who thought it would be great to have the show end with a cliff-hanger of not knowing whether or not the prisoner was lying about his balloon actually being there, and then immediately showing us a trailer where they find his balloon next week. Thanks for wasting a whole week of my life, ass-clowns.
Even "The West Wing" blew hairy ass chunks. Last week the guy from "M.A.S.H." watches his whole campaign go up in smoke and Josh and Donna start finally think about fitting his mushroom tip into her meat slot, and then this week everything with Hawkeye’s campaign is fine and Josh and Donna seem to have forgotten that they might want to consider fucking each other in the mouth. Plus on “24”, Tony Almeida is dead and all I’m left with is the image of an aging Soul Man putting the screws to The Girl Next Door. Not to mention Chicken Little got kicked off "Idol" and the dumb Asian girl who cried over a roach didn’t get kicked off "America’s Next Ugly Thin Model". I might just stick to "Deal or No Deal" if TV doesn’t get better by Easter. At least watching Howie Mandel reminds me of blowing up a surgical glove on my head with my nose. Fuck, when does football season start?
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! – Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby – Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass – Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch – One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. – An added testicle for shit that is in between.
In this racially charged sequel to The Accused, Jodie Foster is raped by a black man on a pinball machine. Aw shit, I’m sorry. Did I go too far with that one? I meant to say, In this remake of the cinematic classic Swordfish an aging Scientologist finds that not only has his career reached the point of playing a second-fiddle bad guy to Wolverine, but that bank heist movies are only good when they can some how involve Halle Berry’s tits. Okay wait, that’s not this movie either. Believe it or not, this movie is the Spike Lee version Dog Day Afternoon crossed with the first Die Hard with more twists and turns thrown in than the Fuji track on "Pole Position". Every single character has wrinkles and flaws that create real depth. The bad guys don’t seem to want to just run with the money, the hostages won’t strip, the goody two-shoes cop won’t try to clear his name from the corruption charges leveled against him, and Jodie Foster won’t switch bodies with her mom. Okay, not the last one.
I won’t ruin the story, but Jodie Foster is brought in by the bank manager to help protect the assets that are being stored in one particular safety deposit box. Is Marcellus’s soul in that brief case, or is it just some kind of red herring? Watch and see as characters mysteriously float through scenes on that all to bizarre stationary-on-the-actor-but-moving-in-the-background Spike Lee cam dolly. Honestly, it’s a pretty good movie. If you haven’t seen V yet, Inside Man is probably the best money spent at the box office this weekend.
Here at The Phat Phree we love to cover comedy movies to try lend a helping hand the comedy industry we love and respect. So as soon as Larry The Cable Guy releases a comedy movie we’ll do a review of it. A movie about a redneck in a sleeveless flannel being a city health inspector, however, gets no rating. You might think the dirty hillbilly doling out restaurant grades for cleanliness is a clever joke, but it is honestly more just an insult to your ability to walk upright and not drag your knuckles. But I hear this movie tested well with poo-flinging monkeys, if it’s any consolation. At least the title for Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo rhymed. I can’t even say that much for this 89-minute version of what is at best an adaptation of a bad three-minute punchline from a stand-up routine that would bomb in a room filled with nitrous. Look, if you snuck into this movie with a six-pack of Genny Cream Ale and got your dingleberry ripped out when you stood up to leave, because it got Velcro-like stuck to the back of your seat from your gaping plumber's crack-bearing jeans, then you might be a redneck… or you are just a waste of human flesh that should have their right eye removed from the socket with a spork.
You gotta wonder how this shit happens. Simultaneously two companies are pouring millions of dollars into what is almost exactly the same idea. Seriously, do these people not read the trade magazines? How do Armageddon and Deep Impact come out months apart? Or Antz and A Bug’s Life? Weren’t there like three productions going of Alexander at the same time? And how did we get stuck with a gay Oliver Stone / Collin Ferrell rip off of Troy instead of the Scorsese /DiCaprio version? Well anyway, he we go again, except on TV. Apparently the end of March is just perfect for robbing people. In the theaters we have Inside Man, on TV we get Must-See Robberies on NBC and heady semi-Robin Hood dramatics on F/X.
Both "Thief" and "Heist" will attempt to arc 13 episodes out of one initial robbery scenario, though Andre Braugher takes more of a Shield-like turn as his stepdaughter and wife are affected by the fact that the Chinese mob is now knee deep in his ass like an enflamed hemorrhoid. That dry sense of reality, however, is what really slows this show down to a slower psychological burn along the weird lines of "Invasion". Whereas the Doug Liman-directed pilot of "Heist" takes feels more like McG than Matlock. All the glitz and gloss of the network that soared with "Miami Vice" and plummeted with "Las Vegas" seems to be forcefully injected into their-catch me-if-you-can action-oriented version of this idea, like the necessary steroids that are required to knock a little white ball repeatedly over the back stadium wall. But the only excitement in watching someone put it over the wall every time is wondering when that ability is going to run out. The truth is, a good drama has both the slow burn and the big action. Fuck yeah, you should blow some shit up. Do you think I didn’t stand up and cheer when that guy got sucked into the turbine engine and spit out the other end as flame-broiled ground chuck in the "Lost" pilot? But that kind of shit only has impact when you have stylized interesting plot points to support it, and good characters to react to it.
Both casts are phenomenal, but why exactly are these crooks so damn smart? I know a lot of people that have stolen some shit and a lot of cops whose job it is to catch those people, and I’m here to tell you their collective idea of being smart is figuring out what is the swear word that is being bleeped out of Shawnetta’s mouth as she decks her ex-boyfriend in the eye on "Jerry Springer". Not exactly the type of people you’d believe could simultaneously rob three Beverly hills stores or enrage the Chinese mafia, or be the people to catch these anti-superheroes.
Finding characters like Vic Mackey and Tony Soprano that can navigate the line between good and bad in an honest way implies that the characters have to make both good decisions and decisions that would make an epileptic retard cringe, not just look like cool TV versions of Ocean’s Eleven characters, or guys that know how to use ten-dollar words that were pulled right out of a Thesaurus, instead of the common colloquial vernacular of the world’s real thieves. Both of these shows have high potential and might be worth catching now just in case they turn into something great, but that will only happen when their writers and networks realize that people want smarter shows- not smarter characters who shouldn’t be.
Does anyone remember that scene from Troll where Julia Louis-Dreyfus was running through the woods naked? I do. She was thoroughly bangable back then. Then I saw her do the dance with the thumbs and shit on "Seinfeld" and I never quite looked at her the same again. She is still on my swimmer receptacle list, but more because I like funny girls than thinking she was still some hot piece of ass. Speaking of Troll, it just reminds that most people are completely unaware that not only was that plotless movie the worst piece of shit any "Saturday Night Live" alum was ever a party to, it was also the movie JK Rowling stole not only the name Harry Potter, but most of the idea for first book. But I digress.
Nowadays, apparently Julia Louis-Dreyfus is trying to get back to her sexy days by patterning her career after Lisa Kudrow. Huh? Didn’t she get the memo that people hated "The Comeback"? Nobody wants to see the middle-aged woman get a new lease on life when they hate the woman. Given, Old Christine is a far more likeable character than the reality parody character from "The Comeback", but all the 40-year old women around her are still hateable, vapid, cul-de-sac cretins that will disgust the obvious 35-60 year old female demo this show is shooting for. Sure, it’s funny that Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ character is called Old Christine because her ex-husband is now dating a women half his age that has the same name as his ex, but hanging a whole show on that premise with only one likeable character will in the end leave this joke as the epitaph on yet another post-"Seinfeld" tombstone.
1.) Are the best shows on TV moving too goddamn slow, or is that really what makes us love them so fucking much?
2.) Last week I saw that "American Idol"-like Inventors show and this week I see that there is some new high concept reality show coming about locking people in a room until they agree who gets the money, but what I really want to know is what you guys would come up with as a reality show. Would Atlas want to see a show where gay hairdressers have to come up with the best outrageous quaffs? Or would Christine make a competition show about having to live like ancient Mayans who will sacrifice and eat whatever contestant doesn’t appease the gods from week to week? Or maybe Victor French has a "Fear Factor"-like show where deuce and kiley have to see how long they can wear Victor’s A’s cap before the smell makes them spew chunks? You tell me. What would you want to see if you could make your own reality show?
well done Npalam, I was pretty pissed with the fucking Sopranos, after stealing my neighbors cable (which was no easy task-stingy bitches) i opend a bottle of ol'genny cream myself and watched the fucking sopranos. First things first-his wife looks like bigbird that ahs been left in the microwave too long. Just so the damn daughter who has been bangable for some time. but the fat bastard lying there why they all said their favorite Mafia daddy moment was just too much. Hopefully this coma is onlyu an hour long.
my reality show: as much as I'd like to see vic french in anything I'd have to say it would be called "Coldturkey" or something better. Take a real addict from each major drug group. You get your crackhead, your meth slut,stoner ( I know no one has sucked dick for herb), herione junkey, etc. and stick them in a bomb shleter like that unanimous sjow and just lket them freak out. huh. . .huh. . .FOX are you reading this.
Thanks fior the reviews always solid, Now time to beat my dick, kick atthe crib, and put on some ABBA-you know guy shit.
deuce
i'm in..
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Posted: 3/24/2006 7:35:23 AM
but only if the winner gets to ride shotgun in the '77 ltd..
nice work, napalm. i'm not sure if you've done it before, but as i see it, there could not possibly be a better candidate for a "no rating" than the poo-flinging best picture nominee. however, i think i could tolerate it though in a room full of nitrous (great analogy). Q&A- 1. the office, daily show, scrubs, dont have a enough time (or plot) to be slow.. i stick to them..
2. CAN OFF 2006 (since '05 never happened): female contributors show off their talents (best cans), and napalm gets to BRATTAATATATAATA on the winner's (cans).
GRB
Read it yesterday...
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Posted: 3/24/2006 11:02:11 AM
...but thanks Napalm, for that appreviated version of Waldman's review of Larry's new movie. You brought up the same movies, used the same jokes...usually you're pretty creative. Not today I guess.
Milton
Best
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Posted: 3/24/2006 11:13:39 AM
Napalm yet. That was some funny shit. Atlas is gonna love his show...
Why can't Entourage be an hour long - or ouwld they fuck it up with the extra time??
Fuck the Sopranos! We wait a year and a half and we get this shit?? 24 - If Jack tortures his ex-fiance that would be pretty money Lost - I agree Invasion - Is actually pretty solid Family Guy - Best show on TV Simpson;s - Best take off show on TV (How the mighty have fallen)
Best reality show? Russian Reality - One gun; one bullet - They all have to decide which wannabe reality schmuck gets the bullet.......each week!!!
Atlas
Well Done
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Posted: 3/24/2006 11:24:16 AM
I expect GRB to start calling you a liberal democrat for not liking Larry the Cable asshole like he did me yesterday.
Yes, it seams we have the same taste in shows and the same opinion. I was happier when I stepped in steaming dog shit this morning than when I finished watching the last episode of the Sopranos. Lost has been stringing us along all season throwing a bone out to us every three shows, it is really starting to piss me off.
My reality show would star overweight Americans with at least $75,000 in credit card debit, these are some of my least favorite people. I would make them live in a Favella in Brazil, kind of like Survivour on steroids. Last one standing wins, my hope is most contract aids or are shot up in a gang war.
Christine
There is nothing in the world like
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Posted: 3/24/2006 11:35:40 AM
Personal time. Waking up and calling the bitchy-for-no-reason-receptionist and saying, "I am taking a personal day". No explanation, no faking sick. Its glorious.
1. Napalm, great piece today. And while we're at it, great piece in your pants too. Kudos. 2. I really like that Andre guy from Thief or Heist or whatever one is his show. I just hope he is making the right decision. 3. The Seinfeldians need to give it up. They can keep doing cheesy commercials or cameos in shitty movies, but enough with the sitcoms. Its painful and embarrassing. why do they continue this? 4. The two-week breaks between Lost episodes is fucking killing me!!! I have never witnessed another show taking its time like this one. Good call. 5. My reality show would definitely be competitive because then it wouldn't seem so needless like the real world or big brother. The show would put 10 strangers in a piece of shit house or apartment. The goal of the show would be for each of the strangers to visit public places daily, like the subway system and malls and such. Each day they have to con passerbys into giving them money and they have to create a different backstory everyday. The contestant with the most money at the end of the week moves on, the person with the least, goes home. Here's the catch: Each new day, a new con starts, but the contestants have to begin drinking the minute they wake up. So they not only have to form a plan and make money for survival, but they have to be bombed while trying to do it. (Alcohol will be the only item supplied).
Milton
Christine
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Posted: 3/24/2006 11:50:14 AM
Isn't that college?
Christine
No
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Posted: 3/24/2006 12:03:28 PM
In college I only had to con my dad. These contestants will have to form elaborate lies and schemes in order to procure payment. They can also form alliances and split the money at the end of the day. And like college, there will be all sorts of falling and puking, but with a purpose.
I need to come up with a name for the show.
Milton
Ok
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Posted: 3/24/2006 12:10:23 PM
well: "These contestants will have to form elaborate lies and schemes in order to procure payment"
That sounds like my job.
Dave C.
reality show
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Posted: 3/24/2006 12:21:09 PM
i forget who said this (bill simmons maybe) but they should have a "real world" type of reality show on HBO. See who bangs, who does drugs, who fights and curses. Isn't that reality at its finest? Waiting for people to get wasted and screw?
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
– Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
– Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
– Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
– Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
– One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
– An added testicle for shit that is in between.
In this racially charged sequel to The Accused, Jodie Foster is raped by a black man on a pinball machine. Aw shit, I’m sorry. Did I go too far with that one? I meant to say, In this remake of the cinematic classic Swordfish an aging Scientologist finds that not only has his career reached the point of playing a second-fiddle bad guy to Wolverine, but that bank heist movies are only good when they can some how involve Halle Berry’s tits. Okay wait, that’s not this movie either. Believe it or not, this movie is the Spike Lee version Dog Day Afternoon crossed with the first Die Hard with more twists and turns thrown in than the Fuji track on "Pole Position". Every single character has wrinkles and flaws that create real depth. The bad guys don’t seem to want to just run with the money, the hostages won’t strip, the goody two-shoes cop won’t try to clear his name from the corruption charges leveled against him, and Jodie Foster won’t switch bodies with her mom. Okay, not the last one. 
Here at The Phat Phree we love to cover comedy movies to try lend a helping hand the comedy industry we love and respect. So as soon as Larry The Cable Guy releases a comedy movie we’ll do a review of it. A movie about a redneck in a sleeveless flannel being a city health inspector, however, gets no rating. You might think the dirty hillbilly doling out restaurant grades for cleanliness is a clever joke, but it is honestly more just an insult to your ability to walk upright and not drag your knuckles. But I hear this movie tested well with poo-flinging monkeys, if it’s any consolation. At least the title for Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo rhymed. I can’t even say that much for this 89-minute version of what is at best an adaptation of a bad three-minute punchline from a stand-up routine that would bomb in a room filled with nitrous. Look, if you snuck into this movie with a six-pack of Genny Cream Ale and got your dingleberry ripped out when you stood up to leave, because it got Velcro-like stuck to the back of your seat from your gaping plumber's crack-bearing jeans, then you might be a redneck… or you are just a waste of human flesh that should have their right eye removed from the socket with a spork.
You gotta wonder how this shit happens. Simultaneously two companies are pouring millions of dollars into what is almost exactly the same idea. Seriously, do these people not read the trade magazines? How do Armageddon and Deep Impact come out months apart? Or Antz and A Bug’s Life? Weren’t there like three productions going of Alexander at the same time? And how did we get stuck with a gay Oliver Stone / Collin Ferrell rip off of Troy instead of the Scorsese /DiCaprio version? Well anyway, he we go again, except on TV. Apparently the end of March is just perfect for robbing people. In the theaters we have Inside Man, on TV we get Must-See Robberies on NBC and heady semi-Robin Hood dramatics on F/X. 
Both casts are phenomenal, but why exactly are these crooks so damn smart? I know a lot of people that have stolen some shit and a lot of cops whose job it is to catch those people, and I’m here to tell you their collective idea of being smart is figuring out what is the swear word that is being bleeped out of Shawnetta’s mouth as she decks her ex-boyfriend in the eye on "Jerry Springer". Not exactly the type of people you’d believe could simultaneously rob three Beverly hills stores or enrage the Chinese mafia, or be the people to catch these anti-superheroes. 
Does anyone remember that scene from Troll where Julia Louis-Dreyfus was running through the woods naked? I do. She was thoroughly bangable back then. Then I saw her do the dance with the thumbs and shit on "Seinfeld" and I never quite looked at her the same again. She is still on my swimmer receptacle list, but more because I like funny girls than thinking she was still some hot piece of ass. Speaking of Troll, it just reminds that most people are completely unaware that not only was that plotless movie the worst piece of shit any "Saturday Night Live" alum was ever a party to, it was also the movie JK Rowling stole not only the name Harry Potter, but most of the idea for first book. But I digress.
Nowadays, apparently Julia Louis-Dreyfus is trying to get back to her sexy days by patterning her career after Lisa Kudrow. Huh? Didn’t she get the memo that people hated "The Comeback"? Nobody wants to see the middle-aged woman get a new lease on life when they hate the woman. Given, Old Christine is a far more likeable character than the reality parody character from "The Comeback", but all the 40-year old women around her are still hateable, vapid, cul-de-sac cretins that will disgust the obvious 35-60 year old female demo this show is shooting for. Sure, it’s funny that Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ character is called Old Christine because her ex-husband is now dating a women half his age that has the same name as his ex, but hanging a whole show on that premise with only one likeable character will in the end leave this joke as the epitaph on yet another post-"Seinfeld" tombstone. 
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